I Ended it But What if I Regret it?

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This topic has 30 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 13, 2018 at 7:51 pm #192363

abubin
Participant

After reading your post, I feel for the that guy. I am in similar situation (thought a bit different). I gave all of me to this woman that I really love. In the end, getting rejected by her is really very very disappointing. Like what you did to him.

First of all, you are the one who said “yes” to the relationship. You did it in an impulse. I understand the feeling of being in love and wanting to explore further. However, once you said yes it is your word and you need to be responsible because it prompted him to give you all his love. It would be selfish to say you want to enjoy singles life once you have invited this person into your life.

Right now, you need to think whether you want single life more or relationship with this guy more. I can tell you, it’s not easy to find someone to love and who love you back. Maybe if you rejected him, you will get a better man in the future but we never know.

I can tell you as the guy from the receiving end. It is really painful to be rejected this way and it will haunts us for the rest of our life about giving it all to another woman. Personally, I feel people who want to enjoy being single is somewhat selfish. They don’t want to share their life with another person for fears of disappointment, abandonment and commitment.

In the end, nobody can force you to do what you do not want. You need to make the decision yourself but know that the decision will affect another person whom became your responsibility when you accepted his love.

February 13, 2018 at 8:24 pm #192365

Sierra
Participant

Thank you for your input.

I gave him my word, and I completely destroyed it. I feel so much guilt because I know that he opened up to me and it was not easy.

I honestly wish that I gave him more, because everytime I tried, it felt great.

I feel as if I ruined his life and he made that clear. The thing is that I actually want to be in his life but I’m just not in the mental state (sounds like an excuse, I know).

It just irks me thinking that I’ll find someone else because I feel like what we had is left extremely unfinished.

I also see how it’s selfish to just say I want to be single and not commit, but I think it may be the timing in my life.

I want him to love. If it turns out to be another woman, I’ll have to accept it. But if it can be me, I would like to give that back. That’s why I mainly ended it. Yes I’m hanging onto being single, I just know deep down that by us taking time apart, I’ll be ready.

The first time I ended things, when we got back together I felt that I have changed in 100 ways, but it’s takes time really be settled and ready. Everyday I’m closer to being a happier woman and open minded to dating him, and I truly feel that this time will bring me there, I’ve just felt an immense amount of progress, and I don’t wanna stop.

February 14, 2018 at 4:42 am #192415

Inky
Participant

Hi Sierra,

The good news is as time goes by, he can’t really be mad at you for how you feel or where you were/are in life. That’s like being mad at a child for not being able to do calculus. You wanted to. You tried. It didn’t work out. You weren’t there yet.

You never intentionally abused him and that can go a long way. You tried NOT to hurt him. But he was hurt nonetheless.

To me you are either single, married, or divorced. You don’t have to give up everything about being single when you’re with someone. It just means you’re both single together, you go to the same parties and you don’t mess around. It sounds like now that you have your “Single” life back, you’re not enjoying it anyway. And the way you’re pining over him I can tell you’re not fooling around with other guys right now.

So yes, you can theoretically go back. But this time have him contact you. He can approach you at parties. He’s the one that was hurt. And he’s the only one that can get over that hurt, no matter how much you apologized and explained.

Blessings,

Inky

February 14, 2018 at 6:29 am #192425

Sierra
Participant

Thank you so much Inky!

I do feel that time will heal both of us. I’m hoping we can see each other again and see what’s good for us.

I have a slight fear that I might be lying to myself, that I’m saying that I’ll be ready to go back, but people around me told me “well you guys weren’t meant to be. If you have doubts then shouldn’t that tell you something?”. I’m afraid that I’ll try and hold onto to the idea that I’m going to get better for him, but the reality is that he’ll realize things about me and realize that maybe he doesn’t see something. Then I’ll talk to him just to realize that all this I used to hold onto him I should’ve moved on and let life bring us together. I tend to overthink a lot, too.

He texted me saying that he understands that I need time and he’ll give me the space I need, but that he thinks it’ll make things worse. I took from that he understands and may try to not resent me.

I don’t know if he’ll ever contact me. He’s tired of trying. But I know that if I contact him he’ll question my intentions.

Maybe I’ll find someone new, but something may feel off. It’s weird cause someone I want in my life is someone that I’m having the toughest time with. That could mean that this is all worth fighting for?

My mom is the only that believes that we can try and talk and take it slowly once we both just do what we want to do for the time being and sees where life takes us. She might just be telling me this because that’s what I want to hear; I want to hear that one day I’ll realize my love for him and we’ll both be more matured and on the same page.

Thank you for giving me some hope, it’ll help me move forward positively.

February 14, 2018 at 6:51 am #192427

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sierra:

You wrote: “His whole life, he’s been swept under the rug, and I truly want to be that difference that shows him how special he is. He deserves the world. But I think at times he was manipulating me” –

It is an overwhelming task (it was for me) to prove to a person who has been “swept under the rug” his whole life, a person mistreated his whole life, to prove to that person that he “deserves the world”. It is a lot of work, isn’t it? It is like making up to the person, making up for a lot of mistreatment and injustice that the person suffered.

Would you like to share some about what he shared with you, about how he was swept under the rug?

As well as how he manipulated you, (in addition to the one time he told his friends that he shouldn’t make you guilty so that you will be with him)?

anita

February 14, 2018 at 7:45 am #192451
Sierra
Participant
Hello Anita! I’ll gladly provide information.

He has many insecurities. One is his weight. At the beginning of high school, he was overweight, and he found himself to be ugly. He got bullied by a few people, too. Everytime he really liked a girl, he was enough for her, and she’d break his heart. Also, he has an older sister, she is an over achiever. His parents (mostly his mother) tend to favourite his sister over him. They don’t really acknowledge his birthday. His friends also seem to not care so much for his birthday. He’s always been labelled as the “nice guy”, but no one would like him in that way. Also, in our last year of high school, he was the school photographer. He got a lot of attention. But he knew in the back of his mind that only really wanted their picture taken of them so it can be put in the year book.

I was what he considered to be “popular”. I knew a lot of people and I went to many parties. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart. I’d even offer to take pictures of him instead of him being behind the camera. I’ve just always appreciated him like no one else has. He never knew until we started speaking. Also, it may seem strange, but he is Asian, and he also feels insecure about that because of society’s view in Asian and the stereotypes.

As for manipulating, I’ve noticed it slightly as time went on. When I wouldn’t be able to make plans or hang out, he’d tell me that he cares more and that I never make an effort and that he has a breaking points at the nice guy can only take so much. I do admit he has a lot of patience. Also, he’d make sad faces, kind of dramatically sad, making it obvious I’ve offended him. I’d ask him if I said no anything wrong, and he’d say “nothing.” But in a way that was obvious that he wanted me to feel bad.

My mother even noticed from the stories I’d tell her innocently that he manipulates me, makes me feel and influences me to give up my time with friends. Although I was aware, I didn’t let it bother me. My mom said that he’s slightly immature, because he’d get mad at the small things I’ve done. I was like that with my ex, so I understand why he acts this way. But sadly, when I started to act too needy and sensitive, my ex left me.

Hope you reply soon! Thank you:)
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Sierra.
February 14, 2018 at 8:12 am #192459

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sierra:

When he makes the sad faces, wanting you to feel bad (“he wanted me to feel bad”), he is not a nice guy at those moments, is he. A nice guy doesn’t want to make another feel bad and then goes about trying to achieve that.

If you do get to a point where you decide to love him, you will enter a no-win situation. As hard as you try, and no matter how hard and for how long you try, you will see those sad faces. And it will be your fault, you did this and shouldn’t have, or you didn’t do that and should have. That is likely to be his message.

It is unfortunate that he had those experiences that brought him suffering and I hope he takes on healing, as I have done and still am in the process of doing. You did not cause his suffering. It is not within your power to heal him. Even if he aimed at healing.

Likely, a relationship with him will be a Losing proposition for you, and not a winning proposition for him because he will be stuck in pointing the finger of blame at you, instead of taking responsibility for his feelings and his experience of life and hopefully get help in quality psychotherapy.

anita

February 14, 2018 at 9:21 am #192473

Sierra
Participant

Hello Anita

I understand all of what you said, and it hurts to know that he makes sad faces when I don’t do as he pleases.

But I can’t forget the times he told me that I made him really happy. And he made me happy aswell. I was just not happy with myself mentally, so I couldn’t focus. I’m still struggling with inner issues, so that’s why I wanted us to stop.

To be honest, I feel like he had a gut feeling that I didn’t feel as much as he did, so that’s why he did those things. If my feelings were more strong, his gut would have felt differently and Ben wouldn’t have manipulated me.

People say that I tried and it didn’t work, I can’t force it. I don’t want to force it, I want it to be natural. I think I’m forcing it now, but not for later.

I told him I wanted to build a base, but we skipped all that. I need those months of being friends, and seeing each other platonically, wondering if you like each other, the whole love story. It sounds cheesy, but that’s how most relationships start. He sounded mad and hurt that I said we hadn’t built a base, he said we have been for months now. But it was a relationship that had some history, but not a whole story.

I feel like we will part ways, and one day we will find one another, talk and become friends. We’ll see then what will happen, but I all I need is faith in order to make it through this hard time.

My mother told me that nothing is set in stone, and I’d like to listen to those words and hope we can be great for each other when we both solve our personal issues!

February 14, 2018 at 9:53 am #192481

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sierra:

You wrote: “I can’t forget the times he told me that I made him really happy”- it is a wonderful feeling, to make someone happy, to turn that sad face into a happy face, isn’t it?

I tried to do that myself, to turn a sad face to a happy face, would have done anything to make that happen. Do you have prior experience with this before, trying to make someone happy, change that sad face to a happy face?

anita

February 14, 2018 at 10:13 am #192489

Sierra
Participant

It’s a great feeling. I saw that when I did the little things, he’d smile to himself, and I’d smile at him smile. I loved those moments. I wished I did them more often cause they didn’t feel forced, they felt great. I just hesitated.

Ive had experience trying to turn a sad face into a happy face. My best friend was going through a tough time in her life. I knew she was sad, she sometimes was rude and she hid huge moments from her life from me. I would tell her that she can tell me anything and that I’m here for her, but she didn’t always take up on that offer.

I began trying hard and worrying and wondering and hesitating, I even became distant and sometimes I was cold. I was really worried and all I wanted to do was help. I began getting stressed, and it actually made me sad.

I was stressing and always worried, paranoid. My mom noticed and said “you can’t fix other people’s problems. You’re trying, but if she wants to do it alone, let her. You will make yourself unhappy.”

So I stopped, and sooner or later she came around and we haven’t fought much since!

February 14, 2018 at 10:18 am #192493

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sierra:

It feels wonderful when you succeed and make a sad person happy, but it doesn’t feel good when you fail. You wrote that hen you failed with your friend, you felt stressed, “always worried, paranoid”.-

Coming to think about it, what do you mean by paranoid, in this context of your friend?

anita

February 14, 2018 at 12:12 pm #192521

Sierra
Participant

In context to my friend, I was afraid that she was going through a depression phase. I also thought she was mad at me, because sometimes she’d be disappointed because I’d cancel plans or never ask to chill. I was just sad that she was sad, so it paranoid me to think she disliked me and my friends.

In context of the guy,

I feel like I failed him. As much as I want to stay, mentally I’m not okay. I do think that he’ll mature and I’ll mature and that’s when we’d be the best. The timing was not ours.

It saddens me to think that he’s going to have to experience with another woman in order to grow relationship wise. It saddens me that I might find someone else, cause that means I have forgotten about him and moved on.

My mom said that nothing is set in stone. I hope that is true. I hope that we can find ourselves.

we had so much in common and stuff that weren’t in common, that it was like a perfect balance. He saw flaws in differences, but sometimes we can learn from differences.

I also became paranoid and stressed with him, because sometimes I wanted to end it, then I wouldn’t. And next thing you know I was scared he was going to end it, so I’d worry when he just answered “hey”, cause I thought he was finally fired of me.

i tend to stress about my relationships easily.

February 14, 2018 at 12:59 pm #192531

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sierra:

I will be reading your last post attentively when I return to the computer tomorrow morning, in about fifteen hours. Will reply then.

anita

February 14, 2018 at 1:22 pm #192537

Sierra
Participant

Thank you so much!

I’ll be waiting:)

February 15, 2018 at 3:56 am #192605

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sierra:

I am re-reading your posts. Following are quotes from your posts and my comments:

In your original post you wrote: “One night, on our first date, he asked: ‘are you ready to date? Because I can’t get hurt, I’ve been hurt too many times.” And I said ‘yes'”- He offered to you dating with a warning: do not hurt me! He put you on that kind of alert.

“I was scared of letting go of the single life, and I wasn’t completely over my sad insecure phase”- being issued that Warning may have been part of what scared you. It couldn’t have helped with that insecure phase.

“I’ve never been so broken by hearing (him) cry. It breaks me to think I’m the reason”- his message to you is: you are hurting me! You feel guilty.

“he’s been telling me he loves me, I haven’t said it back… because my mind is so clouded”- his Warning, guilt-tripping you with the message that you are hurting you, those emotions are draining and do cloud the brain.

“that night, I said it back… it doesn’t feel like I lied”- reads by the beginning of your original post that you really did like him. Problem is he can’t believe it is possible for him to be loved so he is trying to… guilt you into loving him. Unfortunately for him, he has been destroying your genuine love feelings for him with his guilt manipulation.

“I woke up… feeling as if I’m making everyone around me sad and angry… I knew he was breaking and I can’t take it any longer. So this morning, I told him I need time”- his manipulation succeeded in that you felt guilty (first part of this quote) but backfired on him (second part of this quote: you are taking a break from him instead of increasing your efforts to please him, to make up for… hurting him).

“He called me, not even sad anymore, just angry. He told me ‘I hate you’…”- his plan backfired, failed and he is angry. Angry not with himself for destroying the authentic loving feelings you originally had for him with his warning and guilt manipulation, but angry at you.

“The thing is, he’s the sweetest guy ever!”- how much of that sweetness is authentic to him, sincere and honest and how much of it is manipulative, as in sending the message: it is wrong to hurt the sweetest-guy-ever!

“His whole life, he’s been swept under the rug, and I truly want to be that difference that shows him how special he is”- you already genuinely liked him but he did not absorb it, didn’t believe it, because he has a different belief deeply rooted in his brain, that he is not lovable. So he couldn’t take in the genuine loving feelings that you did have for him at the beginning.

“I genuinely see a future with him… kids…”- unless he heals and over a long, long time work intently through therapy on his core beliefs (not being lovable), the future I see is you continuing to suffer from guilt while he points to you again and again how you fail him. Sadder than that, the future I see includes him manipulating the kids you mentioned in a similar way.

Notice he is very angry. Underneath the sweetest-guy-ever there is a very angry man.

“I’m scared to commit”- I too would be scared to commit to him.

In a following post you wrote: “When I wouldn’t be able to make plans or hang out, he’d tell me that he cares more and that I never make an effort and that he has a breaking points at the nice guy can only take so much”- notice that all the efforts you did make, starting maybe with taking photos of him in high school, all your efforts are discounted.

This means that any and all your efforts in the future to make him feel special, lovable, to make it up to him… will all be discounted as well.

Notice also the angry man inside the “nice guy”. Again, unless he heals, the best you can expect either nice guy turning into mean guy turning into nice guy etc.

You wrote: “I feel like… I didn’t feel as much as he did, so that’s why he did those things. If my feelings were more strong, his gut would have felt differently and Ben wouldn’t have manipulated me”- I strongly believe that your thinking here is incorrect. His feelings and behaviors have nothing to do with you and with how you feel for him. His feelings and behaviors were formed and were in place before he met you. You are taking responsibility here for what you are not responsible for, much encouraged in doing so by his manipulation.

“I feel like I failed him”- his manipulation succeeded. “The timing was not ours”- and will never be unless and until he heals, with help, in psychotherapy.

“My mom said that nothing is set in stone”- that core belief he has, that he is unlovable, and the manipulative behaviors on his part, to get love through guilt, those are pretty much set in stone.

“I also became paranoid and stressed with him”- if you do get back together with him, your mental health will deteriorate. How can it not.

anita
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