Home→Forums→Relationships→I Don't Have a Love Life, so Why is This Happening?
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Kumo.
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May 21, 2013 at 11:05 am #35924
Anonymous
InactiveWhether its actually love, just a crush, or may be just the bond of friendship, we all experience unrequited feelings in the pretty much the same way and it all stems from one thing, attachment.
You develop a strong attachment towards another person, that person doesn’t reciprocate the same level of attachment, and so you feel anxious, dissatisfied, frustrated, fearful, and jealous.
In your short, you desire something, you don’t get it, you suffer. All unfulfilled desires and attachments cause suffering. It can be simple.
Here some questions you might want to ask:
What void are you trying to fill with this person that you yourself are not able to fill alone and why?
What feelings does this person elicit in you that have resulted in this attachment? Why are you not able to elicit these feelings from yourself?
Why do you approach this relationship like you’re walking on eggshells? Is it because you know that if you put strain on it and test its strength, you may find the bond weak? Would you not want to know if it can survive the strain and simply let it continue oblivious to the reality of situation?
“If in a relationship there is no tension [meaning no knowledge of self and others], it ceases to be a relationship and merely becomes a comfortable sleep state, or opiate – which most people want and prefer.” – Krishnamurti
May 21, 2013 at 2:08 pm #35937Kumo
ParticipantHi Peter and thanks for responding. To be honest, the idea that I’ve developed such attachment is actually something I very much agree with. I think I already found the root of where my attachment comes from (or somewhere close), and actually wrote about that exact thing in the following post:
I'm Freaking Out And I Feel Stuck/Don't know What to do Next
While I don’t necessarily feel like Im walking on eggshells with this particular person, she does make me feel happy most of the time. I think she is one of the few friends in my life who I really trust, and I feel like before I met her I actually didn’t know what “real friendship” was, in a sense. I never really had a consistent group of friends until I got to high school, and when I finally made some I was so afraid that it wouldn’t last so I became a people pleaser. I held myself back a lot and grew to dislike conflict entirely. I at least knew deep down that I wasn’t handling this in a healthy way, but I guess I felt like this was as good as it would ever get for me. Then as I got know her, I realized that there I could have better. Meaning, I could fully express myself and there would be people who would accept me for that. I learned this after meeting other people too, but she was the first person to show me that. I know attachment hurts, but I don’t know how to let go. It was bad enough that I started relying on her so much to keep me from feeling lonely, but now none of my friends and family are close enough to me for me to feel any better. For as long as can remember, I’ve been alone in my thoughts, feelings, and myself. I didn’t fully express myself to anyone, not even family. It’s so hard to express myself now and I hardly know who I am, but in my relationship with her, along with some others (but very few), I’ve gotten as close as I could and it felt like I was leaving the dark place I was stuck in. I know I should learn to be ok with myself and not rely on others to make me happy, but what am I supposed to do when everyone I feel close to is not near me right now? And even if I didn’t feel as attached to her or anyone else, based on how I grew up without many friends, my idea of a friend (or someone who cares) is someone who is always there (at least in my heart), and someone I can spend time with in person, in the flesh. I guess when I see others spend time with each other in person and I realize that I can hardly do the same, I don’t know what to think about my relationship with someone (especially my friendship with her). Isn’t physical presence in a relationship important? What am I supposed to do or think when I can’t have that?
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