Dear Anita,

Thanks for reading and replying to my thread.

Yeah, I still have a mild depression lingering around, but it is nothing compared to what I have been through before. In October 2020 it was the starting point of going into complete utter darkness, to the point where I can say I was spiritually dead; I was just sitting and staring into the void most of the time. So I know that I am definitively better than before and what haunted me back then no longer is.

And yeah, I am aware of the wound of abandonment originating from my family. I talked about it with them. When I learned that I had stored resentment towards my mum, through theta healing, I shared that news also with her and we could talk about it. I have gotten a lot closer to my family and am very happy about it.

Maybe I explained it a bit wrong. I still enjoy things; external things like the weekly video call with my mum, or the sun on my skin, or delicious homecooked food once I eat it. I also can still get lost (as in something like a state flow) in some activities for a short time like dancing, writing something creative, reading.

It is more like, all the passions/interests I used to have just seemed to somehow be gone or barely present. For example, today when I went to an Asian grocery store is when I started thinking in Japanese again and thinking about the language. I used to study it for a couple of years with a smile on my face; it would simply make me happy I couldn’t explain it. The moment anything related to Japan came up I was interested or motivated. This is pretty much gone, except for that moment I was in the store or that one moment I was browsing through homes in Okinawa on a Japanese site.

Or I used to be head over heels into nutrition and liked unraveling myths and lies and learning to understand the big picture, which is why I joined distance learning for becoming nutrition guidance. But I am pretty much like a snail in my studies for nutrition and my former flame and passion has almost died out. I still share information here and there, but the array of different opinions on what is healthy and what is not, in addition to the “fight” between different diet culture and trying to share information and guidance knowing that a quick solution is wanted although it is not the way it works is just kind of insignificant because all sorts of division and separation are just concepts of the mind. There is no right thing nor is there really good or bad; what makes something good or bad is up to what a person believes it to be. Giving guidance on anything, seems somehow very weird to me now, as what a person needs is so individual and most of the time what a person truly needs is something they are more likely going to find by looking in themselves.

But yeah, one could say “how about going back to Japan” to rekindle the passion, but I know from experience as a nomad that coming back to your birth country or country you have lived in is different than the first time you have been there. People have changed, the place has changed and you as a person itself have changed. I never used to think much of it and keep trying again, some people will stay longer in your life, but now it seems every relationship seems to be meant to last only short and sometimes you hear from someone every couple of months or years. That’s a thought that visits me quite frequently, but at the same time, there is still a part of me that believes “some people will stay a lot longer in your life, you just have to wait and see” + “if I can make myself my own best friend and love to sit with my own company then anything else around you won’t be of much matter to me.” I am trying to work on the latter concept.

As for nutrition and I think for passions in general, the fact that I am doing them for myself as myself is still strange for me. I actually asked myself last year, what is it like to live for yourself? I’ve been helping and giving so much, and now I am turning it inwards to myself (at least I am trying my best to), but it is kind of unknown territory for me.

I do not know if this made more sense, or if it made any sense at all.

I’m going to read the article by Chris Wilson “How I Moved from Depression to a Deep and Meaningful Life.” Maybe I find a new nugget of wisdom or clarity in there. This site has provided lots of helpful and beautiful content. Thank you.

Also sorry for the late reply, I thought a notification would pop up in my email, like last time.

Kibou

Dear TeaK and Anita

Thanks for your replies and kind words.

My passion for Japan sparked at roughly the age of 5 when watching anime. I learned to draw manga from my cousin, then read manga and included manga/anime in as many school projects as possible. I’ve made a Japanese friend at the beginning of middle school during my time in Cuba, and there came the introduction of Japanese food and the culture. So my passion for the Japanese culture/language and Japan, in general, has grown since I was a kid. These moments were shared with people dear to me, which with all I grew more apart with my constant moving and lack of communication.

I started learning the Japanese language in order to understand anime in Japanese without subtitles, and in the hope to read Japanese mangas. When I became friends with the Japanese friend I’d hope to speak with her in Japanese one day. I guess these were my motivations and I did accomplish these things. As to why they made me happy I can’t fully explain because I do not know. I liked manga and anime; the fantasy worlds created and getting lost in them.

As for my nomadic lifestyle, I moved with my parents and as an individual a lot. It wasn’t until I began uni that I moved without my parents. I’ve lived in several different cities in my birth country and lived for 7 years in Cuba, 1 year in Japan, and my family (parents and siblings) currently live in Indonesia for a couple of years, where I have visited them twice. As a family, we moved a lot due to my dad’s work (and they still move a lot); we also traveled a lot to different countries. However, my parent’s life has always included moving and traveling since they were children. Staying put in one place seems odder to me than moving constantly. This is my 6 months in the same location. The last time I have been to one location only was 20 years ago. I am 23, that being said I am aware of how I view the world, and how relationships come and go might not be so common (at least not in my environment of people that I know; the people that share the closest understanding of constant moving are diplomat children, which were many of the people at school during my time in Cuba).

In terms of friendships and staying in touch, I am always on the side that writes last or has been ghosted. I though at first that is just part of life, and you make new friends, when I return back to my birth country/city my friends and I would be fine and we’d hang out again. However, on my return/vistis back to my birth country I’ve experienced the opposite. I had people pretend they did know me, or avoided me or neglect me upon returning; that is one of the things that left scars behind. This was especially hard when returning back to the same school I went to in grade 3. It had been 7 years (my time in Cuba), because instead of just being some individuals, I faced a whole class of previous friends, especially during a time where I really was looking forward to some familiar faces again. I did say I’d return always to that school, it just turned out to be 4 years later than originally planned. Now I have found a stories for each drifting apart and value for each friendship I made. It still hurts those kind of experiences but those scars have healed if that makes sense.

In regard to my why’s, many of my why’s turned out to be the want of my dad’s approval of him being proud of me. I did talk about that with my dad, and last year I finally heard the words how incredibly proud he is off me; my dad is not the one give praise freely and talk about emotions. Furthermore there was lots of comparing to others, depsite me being already often class best and excelling at many things. It’s a longer story, but since I worked through it I do not feel the need to explain more. My mum said a couple of times that we have to prove ourselves, due to our skin color. Some other expectations come from peers; when excelling at things, it is harder to keep up the good work. I used to not mind if I were to drop my performance, but after laughter, jealousy and pressure received from peers it did feel very hard to slack off. I never blamed anyone for their behaviour, since I knew where they were coming from (many people share what’s on their heart with me and I do ask sometimes for clarification.) How to express I am hurting from other’s behaviour, while knowing their story has been hard for me; they are not bad people, they are hurt people who are more prone to hurt others and need time and healing themselves to change not so pleasant behaviour.

Other why’s where to get back some control, like my weight or getting good grades; these things are at least in my control. Some of my life experiences include several things which are out of my control, like the time my mum got unwell and I took over many responsibilites, fleeing, loss of pets, or trying to be as strong as possible as elder’s trauma arises as they kept in many of their pain inside. These things came especially at wrong timing because before all the responsibilites I was suddenly holding, I was already depressed with suicidal thoughts. I never really got a chance to process one thing, as it felt constantly the next thing was thrown unto me. All these things don’t really matter; it’s a lot and did lot of that work with my counselor. And I went through each single “story” and talking with people and sharing how I felt or to clear the situations. I now accept these events and am proud for the resilience they gave me.

Anita, I understand that you are floating in the air, since I am speaking mostly about feelings. The summary was also very good. I think I really just needed someone to share my feelings. I tend to understand and empathise with others and logically understand how others weren’t possible to be emotionally there for me. So I dealt with many things on my own mostly, especially my emotions. It was unhealthy at first, since I repressed and denied many of them to get me through everything. So when I did start sharing with other, all my emotions and feelings were bursting out, which is all you mostly heard from me so far. It is hard to give all the information, because I was dealing with several things which mostly covered over 10 years of my life.

I needed someone to be there for me, and this time I was very willing to share my feelings and everything; I was ready, yet I found that my most trusted friend weren’t there for me – once again a very familiar situation for me. Hence why I mentioned those friends and why the hurt is still sometimes there; they are the ones I trusted first again and knew some of my past. While going through a time of healing through traumatic event and reliving it, that was like a dagger in my heart. Not only was I reliving events in my mind, but some again in real life. I might be strong, but even I have limits to how much pain I can hold.

During the darkest time of last year, I wished there was somebody who would put me first, who would prioritize my needs first, but at the same time I knew that is not love (not meant in a romantic way).

The quote “Only the broken will offer a piece of their soul to you, for they know, what it feels like being shattered into pieces” resonated a lot to me. There is a man with many puzzle pieces missing inside of him, giving a puzzle piece to another man, who only has one puzzle piece missing. I resonated with the man with many puzzle pieces missing inside of him. However, I knew that was not good; if you have many holes in you sole due to pain and scars endured, then you are giving from an empty place. The circle of giving and recieving love is disrupted, it is not flowing properly. Yet when you give from a place of abundance then it flows naturally. After the last theta healing session I did, I finally saw how I and my inner child were starting to paint in the holes. This was the image I was creating in my head.

This is a bit far fetched and I hope you all can follow; there are many holes that deal with the scars of abandonment. Although I am painting them in, I sometime find another hole or some of paint is not “thick enough” to fully get rid of the traces that there was a hole. Those moments hurt, but I know I am on the right track and it will take time. Sometimes, I have to get more paint (use some of the coping skills I’ve learned).

I know from experience, that sharing my feelings with someone else helps me, especially if they have something to say back. It reminds me to look back at my strengths or accomplishment, because I still lack to do so on my own sometimes, even when I journal. It helps me see a different perspective again, in case I might be hitting back into a more gloomy perspective.Also, it is a lot easier when the person has some former record fo what I have being feeling or going through. I’ve noticed that the tinybuddha forums use past records when replying to a thread, so maybe that is why I chose to share my feelings here.

It did help sharing and releasing those feelings. I have found one activity, where I lose myself in; somewhere where I feel fully engaged and excited to keep going.

I hope my reply was not too disorganized, but I did not really know how to organize this reply. Honestly speaking, some of the things I wrote in this reply, were simply done because of the things inquired in your replies. I do not mind sharing, but I also do not know as to how they matter to have been mentioned.

Kibou