You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.

-Dan Millman

Hello readers,

For a long time I have wondered what self-control really means. Quotes related to self-control are difficult to understand for me. Many talk about letting go of a need to control the outcome, and let things go their own natural course. However,  many also tell to take control over things that you can control. Here is the catch for me: what do I consider something I can control?

I consider myself an addict. Not to specific substances or experiences, but I feel enslaved to my own (instinctual) emotions and impulses that make me live an addictive lifestyle. Many times throughout my life, I have bumped into my inability to listen to my inner voice of reason. I can understand, know, recognize and think about how what I am doing is wrong, without being able to stop myself from doing it.

I am in a (what I would consider) wonderful relationship with my girlfriend. I have never felt romantic love as intensely as with this woman. Despite having this feeling, I made a mistake.

Recently, I got together with a group of friends that includes my ex-girlfriend. Everything started out fine, however, ever though I drink rarely, I became extremely intoxicated.

Intoxicated to the point, where I only vaguely remembered the final part before I went to sleep. My ex coming extremely close and tried to initiate sexual contact, saying things like “Nobody will know”. I rejected her advances.

However, as I did not remember most of the night, this was not the whole story. The day after I was angered that my ex made these advances, and found them disrespectful to me and my relationship. When I sent my ex a message about how I did not appreciate her advances, she told me that I had made advances to her as well. She told me that I had touched her behind multiple times and smiled at her while doing it.

I did not remember this, and upon hearing this, I immediately went to my girlfriend to confess. It was an intense talk where she felt very hurt. I have immense feelings of regret and am devastated that I hurt the woman I love. Even though I do not remember my advances, they have happened and may have destroyed my beautiful relationship.

This is where I want to talk about self-control. I do not trust myself. I have always known that I cannot control myself when I become intoxicated. Even though I do not drink regularly at all, I do not have a break when it comes to it. A simple answer would be to not drink anymore, however I am torn about the reason why I cannot trust myself.

During normal days, I also cannot seem to control myself. I procrastinate heavily, normal household tasks are difficult and more personally, I often indulge into internet pornography. These are things I heavily regret during my everyday life. Even though I do not want to do these things, I constantly am affected by them.

I consider my break of trust within my relationship and the struggles during my everyday life a result of my lack of self-control. I do not trust myself that I can follow through on what I think is right. I feel as a slave to my own impulses that overwrite any rational thought that I may have.