I posted some time ago about how bad i feel my life was , in summary i’m late 30’s, its been a year since my 5 year longterm relationship ended, I hate my job, I hate the life i’m living and i’m stuck and fed up.

so last year i took a trip abroad and fell in love with being so far away from home in a great surroundings, i now have the chance to work there but the catch is its for 3 months .

Last year I realised that I’ve failed at pretty much all important things i’ve wanted: having a relationship, getting married and having a family, travelling the world and  working abroad. It’s been a really painful time and everyday i return to my apartment, and do the same job i’ve been doing for years it makes me even more upset and empty, now i have this chance i am happy but disappointed it wasn’t longer than 3 months, if i go i need to  give up my appartment as i cant afford to keep it and pay the rent and i cant rent it out.

I’ts a risk and i have been reading about how life is about taking risks and i don’t want to regret never trying but also part of me is scared, what happens after 3 months? i’ll have no home to come back to , no job and all this security in life i have been holding on to all these years will be gone.

However on the other hand i thought maybe  i can go to another country and work there too if i can’t get a more permanent job in Asia (problem is their visa requirements for what i want to do).

I guess i know i’m not happy with my life here, i’d rather be unhappy in a tropical climate than here seeing the same things and same people everyday, not growing and being miserable. I had hoped it would be a fresh start and maybe i could meet somebody too (which seems impossible but it’s a dream).

Technically if i returned, i could move back in with my parents whilst looking for work as a worse case scenario, but the  to leave here is i want to be free,  in terms of free to do what i wanted to do, i feel i have been in a cage like a hamster on a wheel since university i thought my life would have changed as mentioned the plan was working towards marriage kids and moving abroad, now that plan is out of the window i feel i have nothing left here .

so should i go or stay here i guess is the question. I hate being angry , bored, anxious and upset about my life an how circumstances led me to this path today, now i have a chance to get off this path but its to the unknown and literally goes against my natural pattern of being secure financially/home of my own that i can afford, but equally i just hate this status quo and i want to change it.

I feel i always make such bad decisions, i know its impossible to know if the decision you  make will be the right one…