Hello gg4tp,

When we’re in a relationship and we’re not getting what we want, it’s often best to first sit down and ask ourselves “is what I’m expecting reasonable?” If the answer to that is no, then we downshift/or change our expectations. If the answer is yes, then we have two options: 1) make peace with the fact that this is not something you will not receive from the other person and take comfort in all their other good qualities…in otherwords, compromise or 2) leave the relationship and hope to find what we want elsewhere.

A former boss said to me, “one of the greatest gifts you can give a person is your time”. Relationships, of all sorts – not just romantic ones, require a time investment of both parties to help keep the relationship healthy, otherwise it dies from neglect.

I can’t advise you as to whether or not this is the right person for you, but I feel pretty confident based on what you wrote that there’s a disconnect between the two of you as to what amount of quality time together (either over the phone or in person) is necessary, and you definitely need to iron out this issue before making a lifelong commitment. You say this was a recent development, right? If so he may be honest when he says it’s just because of work…communication ebbs and flows in couples if one is say busy with a professional project or a change of schedule. If that’s the case, you may just want to ride it out. But if this is going to be a chronic problem (like the job changes are permanent or he’s exhibited this behavior before) then you have some serious soul searching to do. You may want to check in with a very honest friend or a therapist to get some clarity. Better yet, see if your fiance is open to going to couples counseling! That way you have a trained 3rd party who specializes in communication who get work with the both of you to resolve your differences.

Hope that helps! Best of luck to you both.

Hi gg4tp,

This sounds like something you have to live with or be done with. Or he has to make communicating with you a new daily habit. His default mode is non communication. He’s not a bad person, I think it’s just not in his nature to “check in”. I’m the same way. Days will parade by and I’ll suddenly think, “Holy crap! I should check in with my family!” Friends have it worse. Weeks! Months! I get SO involved in what I’m doing or enjoying the moment I literally forget to text or call.

Checking in with you should be part of his routine (say, every day at 5) OR you should/could/would leave him. OR accept that’s the way he is. And it’s OK.

Best,

Inky

Dear gg4tp:

I would say this is a serious problem in this relationship. It is a long distance relationship, so all you have with him is phone (skype and such, maybe) calls. This is all the time and the kind of time you can have with him. He is repeatedly MIA, Missing In Action in this regard. Therefore, this is a problem.

It would have been different if it was a short-distance relationship and you spend time together, physically every weekend, let’s say. If sometimes he doesn’t call you because he works 12 hours a day, that’s understandable; you will soon see him, on the weekend. But in your case, ALL you have is those hoped-for phone calls, one per day. It is not too much to expect.

If he is MIA long distance, he may be MIA in other ways, short distance.

Possibilities: he goes out drinking with co workers after work, every day and so he is not calling you. If you live with him, he may continue the same habit of drinking after work and not even coming home until the next morning.

Did you ask him why he doesn’t call you after work? Do you know how he spends his time outside of work?

anita

Please, please ask YOURSELF what YOU want–to be with him or not.

you know yourself—you don’t know jack about what he is doing or why. What qualities does he have that would make you hang in there. I think you are better than this-deserve better than this–will be stronger happier without this.

What do YOU think about the way you are being treated?

Be gentle with yourself, he is not being gentle with you or being there for you.
please take care and be strong.

Seaisland

I just broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years for the same reason. He drinks and looses track of time and the next day all type of excuses. I just didn’t trust it anymore and in my heart I felt like he was cheating. You may feel bad if you end it for a while but if you stay you are gonna go through this for as long as you are with him.days!!

Be patient dear, everything will be fine eventually – think of all the good he does and has done when you are in doubt and feel bad. Remind yourself that this long distance situation isnt permanent anyway, you guys will get married and things will be fine.