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I can't let her go

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  • October 2, 2015 at 8:24 pm #84591
    David
    Participant

    This is long, I apologize but I am in need of serious advice.
    I am in severe pain right now and I desperately need some guidance. I’m 19 and am in love with someone who lives on the opposite side of the country that I met online over a year ago now. I’ve loved her since we met and haven’t let go. She had strong feelings for me when we first started talking and we would talk hours every night and skype, etc. for hours every night and she even told me she was falling in love with me. Then she told me she started to lose feelings about a month after we met and I’ve never let go. We still talk, we still tell each other everything, and there have been times where we’d lose touch for a few months but we’d always start talking again, and recently this past summer we’ve been talking so much and it felt like it was when we first met.

    And I told her I still felt the same about her but nothing really came out of it she didn’t really know what to say. But we kept talking every day. She made me presents for my birthday and I did for hers, and I have the letter and things she made me in my room which makes it even harder. For months we’ve been talking about me flying out to see her this month and we’ve been talking about all the things we’ll do and she seemed SO into it and even promised she’d tell me by October when I could book the flight/hotel.

    Then I brought it up tonight and that’s when she flat out told me nothing would ever happen between us and that she thinks it would be a bad idea to fly out to see her. She told me she can’t do the distance and that she doesn’t have feelings for me. She assured me that she still wants to see me and would really like to spend time with me but she says it’s a bad idea. But there is NO better time and I told her that. But I know she or I will find someone eventually, and then we’ll never see each other. And that thought eats at me so much. I just want to see her once and I desperately want to convince her to let me visit her this month like we planned, but I don’t know how. I can’t let her go. I just can’t. I’d been counting on this because I honestly thought (and still do think) that if I visit her and actually SEE and spend time with her maybe something will change and the thought of her being with someone else absolutely kills me. We’re both 19.

    And on top of this I hate my job. I work full time and it’s exhausting and I want to quit desperately, it’s making me miserable and is just making things worse. I guess I just don’t know what to do and need life advice please.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by David.
    October 2, 2015 at 8:39 pm #84593
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear David:

    You are 19. You work full time and hate your job. You are exhausted and miserable doing your job and want to quit. You had an electronic, virtual relationship with a 19 year old woman. The two of you shared a lot of personal thoughts and feelings and it felt so good to you. You want to meet her and make the relationship real, physical, in person.

    You want to be happy and you believe you will be happy if you meet this young woman.

    Not with her attitude. Can’t replace what is REAL with what you WISH was real.

    What is real is that you hate your job, you are tired of it and want to quit. What is real is that she doesn’t want you to come over. There are other things that are real but this is all I am reading in your post.

    Now, what in reality can you do to make your life better?

    anita

    October 2, 2015 at 9:40 pm #84595
    David
    Participant

    I really appreciate that reply, but I don’t like it being referred to as an electronic relationship. We’re both real people with real feelings. We used our phones and skype to communicate, but it is real. And during our conversation tonight she kept insisting that yes she did want me to visit her, but that she feels it’s a bad idea because she knows my feelings towards her and doesn’t want me to get hurt. I can’t get past this, and I feel like I’ll never be able to open up to anyone else.

    October 3, 2015 at 4:55 am #84607
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi David,

    But it IS an electronic relationship, Dear One! It does not take the place of chemistry, of meeting face to face, or of being in close proximity with someone. My college roommate had an electronic relationship (way before Skype!). She went out to visit him. And as much as they got along (like you, for over a year) it fell flat. And even if they got along famously, there was that distance thing.

    Now this was two people who BOTH wanted it to work! Your quasi-GF broke up with you. Yes, she did! And you never met!

    You could get a job or go to school near where she lives. Or even vacation there on your own, and force a meeting. But then you’d be a stalker. SHE has to want it too. She doesn’t.

    My advice is to shut off your computer, and don’t communicate with her via email, text, social media or Skype. And if you do, it should be to tell her one thing:

    “Don’t text/email/FB/Skype or talk to me unless and until you want to meet IRL.”

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    October 3, 2015 at 8:28 am #84609
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Der David:

    Thank you for your honest feedback to me. After I sent you the message above I thought to myself that again, I was too rough, my tendency. I need to be more gentle and in being gentle see MORE into what things are. So what I see more, I hope, this very morning is that a physical relationship with someone, in real life, that is, is not necessarily a REAL relationship as two individuals can be so stuck in their wishful thinking, unrealistic thinking and expectations that even a real-life relationship can be delusional and doomed to fail from the start. On the other hand an electronic, skype and such/ non physical relationship can entail realistic aspects, real, honest exchange of feelings. Of course it can, be as real as can be.

    If it was not, I wouldn’t be real on this website with you and with others. Here I am typing this right now and I am being real with you and with the readers, none of which I ever met in person. So I was wrong in my previous comment to you. I was also arrogant, limited in my view and kind of proud of it (arrogant, that is).

    From reading your comment to me I am thinking it is possible that this young woman is kind hearted and scared to hurt you, scared you will make the travel investment and be disappointed. What I would do if I was you, David, now that I am more humble than I was last evening, is communicate with her some MORE through… electronics, same way you have so far and ask her questions. Ask her, get the details of her motivation for not wanting you to visit her and her motivation for wanting you to visit her (her ambivalence, conflict). For many people, like me, it is easier to communicate online, as I am doing right now, than it is in person. It is easier that way. I would be afraid too, if I was her.

    So please, do not travel to see her at this point, I feel strongly it would be a bad idea. Get to know her MORE, get to know her thinking and feeling as it comes to seeing you. Let her know first that you are NOT going to meet in person, so that her fears can relax, then ask the questions, and stay with them then answer. Let her ask you questions. Get to know the fears and then move forward.

    anita

    October 3, 2015 at 1:49 pm #84630
    acidflower
    Participant

    Hello David! Your situation seems painful and I’m sorry that this feels difficult when you dont know what to do. It’s therefore better that you asked for advice! Correct me if I’m mistaken because I dont know anything about your life literally. I can tell that clearly for me both of you want to spend time together from what you been written about this.

    She doesnt seem to know how her contact needs to be with you, this uncertainty in both of you arises. You want to be closer in how you want to get close and she doesnt seem to know how she wants to get to know you (from what I know in this info youve given). There are many factors to why a person thinks and acts in several ways. What I know for sure is that if there’s no open communication between the people involved you don’t have and opportunity to try to get to know each other directly.

    Before anything I think when you mention that you feel desperation you need to listen to that. There’s a reason you feel fear and it might be more ways to see on this situation than you know for now. If you act on your thoughts and feelings without understanding them there’s a possibility that you act in a way which might not be helpful for you, for her, for both of you.

    Do you know why you feel desperation? you have your thoughts that you feel fearful of but why do you feel frightened of the thoughts? I dont mean to dismiss your thoughts that you fear, I ask questions as if you were to explore yourself when you have an opportunity. As for now perhaps you not knowing what you can do might be one of the answers also(?) it’s for your very best to let yourself feel unsure if youre feeling it and try not do anything you dont feel so sure of. This isn’t easy at all, of course you want to resolve this when you care but as the others here who have been trying to help in this topic I agree with them. Wait it out, try to take care of yourself, you’ll know when you know. The very best.

    October 8, 2015 at 10:22 pm #85111
    David
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for the replies, I’ve been trying to just let things happen but I’m still finding myself feeling upset.
    It’s been about a week since we talked at all. She sent me a text a few days ago about something completely unrelated to anything we talked about on the phone and I think that hurt me more than it would have if she hadn’t even said anything because it made me feel like she disregarded how I felt and didn’t even ask how I was doing. I feel unsure if I should try talking to her again, or if I should wait for her to ask me how I feel, or what I should do. I really appreciate all the advice from everyone here, thank you for taking the time to help me through this.

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