fbpx
Menu

I Cannot Forgive my Best Friend.

Home→Forums→Tough Times→I Cannot Forgive my Best Friend.

New Reply
Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #122598
    Maria
    Participant

    She was my dear friend. We were born cousins but grew as sisters. Being 4 years younger than her, I looked up to her as a big influence, and we had formed a bond like none I had seen from cousins. We laughed at inside jokes without even speaking, we had each other’s backs, and we have memories upon memories filled with love and laughter.
    I have recently turned 18 and was forced to tell a secret I had been hiding for 4 years. To sum it up, my cousin’s brother had done things to me when I was 14 and he was 17. Out of fear I “consented” to this, but, because of my homosexuality and the simple fact that he too was my cousin, I had always felt dirty afterwards when I would think of it. When my cousin, who I will call Rachel, found out about what happened, she told me she could not agree with what I had said. We have disconnected since then, and the pain and grief have left me numb.
    Though I am angry and grieving and wishing for things to rewind so I can stop what I was forced to say, I do not want Rachel back, and I find myself not able to forgive her. However, though I cannot forgive, I find myself grateful. I have seen her true colors now, and I have met new people who are kind and true and see me as a “ray of sunshine” as one of them says (through therapy I learned that it was me simply putting on a mask, but, I am learning to be truly happier).
    I have recently started to practice buddhism as I feel it would fit myself best. I have learned to accept who I am and am able to block out the hateful way people see me as. I have learned to love myself and try to see and understand the stories of those around me that might cause them to act the way they do. I can not, however, understand Rachel’s.
    I do understand she had a choice between me and her brother, but, I had felt that we were closer. I still feel the sting of betrayal when I speak of it, but it is not as sharp as it had been. She belives that I have lied despite knowing my hatred of rapists and sexual assult.
    Though I can not forgive her for what she has done, I can be grateful. I can let it go but never forget it and never accept her back. I seek guidance on what I should do now. How do I forgive what is unforgivable? How do I know I would even be happy with forgiving? I guess that would not be true forgivness. Please, I ask for help.

    Forever grateful,
    Maria.

    #122602
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    There is no requirement that you forgive Rachel. Why bother?

    I will explain: she betrayed you and did not correct the betrayal. Buddhism, for me, is about seeing reality for what it is, “being awake”-

    So there it is, reality. You wrote that the sting of betrayal hurts less now than when it was fresh. This is a good indication, and hopefully, it will hurt less in the future. You met new people, you wrote, had therapy and are learning to be truly happier.

    So .. why bother with the quest of forgiving Rachel, for what purpose?

    anita

    #122604
    Maria
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.
    As I am new to buddhism, I’m still figuring out how I percieve it. I am stuck between following a strict set of rules and following it the best I can without hurting my mental health. You are helping me determine where I stand.

    Maria.

    #122606
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    I don’t bother to fit into a Buddhist identity or any other prescribed identity. I agree with certain principles and live by them regardless of where they originated or where they currently fit (religion, philosophy, etc.)

    Again, the principle I follow, of which I read under Buddhism, is seeing reality for what it is. And seeing it with a “beginner’s mind”- not under the interferences of social conventions and rules, be it Buddhist rules, Christian rules or any other.

    I decide, keeping in mind consequences, of course.

    anita

    #122611
    Maria
    Participant

    Ah- I understand what you mean. I am a mixture of agnostic christian and a new buddhist. I wonder where this path will take me.

    #122614
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    I wonder too. This is why I would like it if you posted here any time, about your path.

    anita

    #122615
    Maria
    Participant

    And I will make sure to do so. Thank you.

    #122617
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Maria.
    anita

    #122672
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    It occurred to me this morning, that on the path you mentioned (” I wonder where this path will take me”), at first we do need Rules, on our path, just like a child needs rules. Maybe this is what you are looking for at this point. I did, for many years. I looked for rules for my behavior, a to-do list and not-to-do list.

    You wrote: “I am a mixture of agnostic christian and a new buddhist.”- if you relate to what I wrote about rules, would you like to list what Rules in Christianity you like, or agree with and would like to live by, and what Rules in Buddhism, as you understand it so far, you agree with and would like to live by?

    anita

    #122674
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Maria,

    I don’t know if I am the right person to comment here but rather than considering the rigid ideas in religion, consider the spiritual aspects. I do not believe in various culturally ingrained aspects of the religion I was born into but I am fascinated with the deep ideas in the scriptures. there are some teachers whose thinking I found less about religious rituals, stubborn ideas and more about cultivating a clear mind to find ones own ideas about what is the right way.

    Their focus was to develop ones principles outside of social conditioning and more in tune with ones inner nature. This is a rather long process and can take years but the changes come from within. Of course this led to some basic questions being asked like “how to concentrate” “how to cultivate a focused mind” “how to deal with negativity of the world outside” “how to be less anxious” – all are inter-related. The biggest lesson for me was if you can’t become your own friend first, then no amount of reading holy books, doing meditation will fix the basic thing that is chaotic – which is the inner world.

    The outer one requires inter-dependance with others and certain skills. These are the ones where you need to consciously exercise your own will too. Be aware of what is right in front of you. Consider carefully why you can’t forgive the friend and the consequences of this from all points of view – for your mind and the people around you. When you are overwhelmned, calm your mind and ask yourself “what is really right for me?”

    Regards,
    Nina

    #122682
    Maria
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    While I am a mixture of both, I don’t follow christianity as strictly as buddhism. I have unintentionally been following buddhism for a long while before even knowing it what buddhism. With my christianity, I have simply been following the rule of “being a good person.”
    However, ever since I turned 17, and at the end of 16, I had unknowingly started following buddhist ideals. I don’t know how it happened, maybe because I have a lot of time to myself considering I’m a shy only child, but I started to question why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do. I used to believe those who were snobby and bratty popular kids were just bitter because that’s how they are. Then I met my current partner and she told me herself that she was one of those kids but only did it because she wanted to fit in and not be an outcast. She wasn’t happy with it. This changed my mind and opened my eyes that people can really put on a mask without letting their true self show.
    After this realization, well, especially after this, I’ve learned to consider the story of everyone I meet. Recently, a girl decided to sit somewhere else as she believed me and the people around me to be “weird.” I shrugged and simply thought there was something she wasn’t comfortable with with herself…of course, I could be wrong, but, I felt no hate.
    I’ve been trying to be a compassionate person, and, while it is hard sometimes, I pull through. I simply wish to help people if need be, but, I do not always have an answer or they will not let me help them.

    #122684
    Peter
    Participant

    How do I know I would even be happy with forgiving?

    It’s remarkable to me that even though forgiveness is a part of all wisdom traditions it remains so little understood.

    Part of the tension I noticed in your post seems to have been created with a struggle you have with the idea of forgiveness. Which is interesting because you state “Though I cannot forgive her for what she has done, I can be grateful”
    “I can be grateful” shows that you are on the path of letting go and in my opinion forgiveness and letting go, go hand in hand.

    It might help you to re-look at your expectations of forgiveness and what it means as it would be a shame for you to hold on to the experience of betrayal due to a misunderstanding of the word forgiveness.

    Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and time does not heal
    Forgiveness does not mean what happened to you was ok.
    Forgiveness does not mean the person that hurt us is no longer accountable or responsible. If there is not accountability to who we are and what we do, there is no meaning, purpose or love.
    Forgiveness can heal a relationship but does not mean that that a personal relationship must be re-established.

    Relationship occurs on many levels, even when there is no personal contact and sometimes ending a personal relationship is what is required to heal the relationship.

    What most people actually struggle when a relationship ends due to betrayal is the relationship they have with the memory of the experience. Forgiveness is an important tool to help us with healing the relationship we have with ourselves and our memory of the experience.

    For me forgiveness is letting go. We let go of victim and villain stories and wanting to get even. We let go of punishing ourselves.
    We love those that fail us as we love ourselves when we fail. This is not letting them or ourselves off the hook but the grace to learn and grow from the experience.

    It is a reality that we ‘awaken’ and experience life more clearly after a confrontation with the tension that comes from our experiences. Again that does not justify the experience. Justifications are the bars that keep us locked in the cells of our own creation.

    Forgiveness allows us to look through the justifications so that the bars no longer lock us in but opes us to the possibility of wisdom and growth.

    We pray for the grace to learn better so we might do better and loving others as ourselves we pray that those who hurt us might also learn better so they might do better. As you say you can be grateful even when you are hurt. You free your memory from anger, hate, fear… and see the experience as it is, responding to life instead of reacting to it as you move forward.

    As I am new to Buddhism, I’m still figuring out how I perceive it. I am stuck between following a strict set of rules and following it the best I can without hurting my mental health.

    When approaching the wisdom traditions there is always tension between rules and spiritual growth. All religions struggles with teaching spiritual growth while as an organization requiring boundaries to define itself that holds people in/together. I believe this tension exists to push us forward.

    Unfortunately that often means that on the journey to become we will experience betrayal and death. Becoming requires a lot of dying. If you think about it every moment we experience is a birth, betrayal, death and only then resurrection. We die and are reborn with every breath we take. Forgiveness says yes to this reality.

    For spiritual growth I like the idea of being “transparent to transcendence”. I see that as allowing the words to be symbols so that instead of being bound by them (rules) you look through them to what is being pointed to and learn something

    “What is it we are questing for? It is the fulfillment of that which is potential in each of us. Questing for it is not an ego trip; it is an adventure to bring into fulfillment your gift to the world, which is yourself. There is nothing you can do that’s more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, you become a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way you will find, live, become a realization of your own personal myth.”

    “Make your god transparent to the transcendent, and it doesn’t matter what his name is.”
    Joseph Campbell

    #122685
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    I am impressed: you’ve been on the path ever at the end of being 16 and turning 17, when you “started to question why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do.”- this is it! This is what motivates me to be on this site- learning what motivates people. To learn, we must start with questioning. And it is the questioning of what we were told and the assumptions we make, that makes it at all possible for us to see the truth, reality as-is.

    I too, “do not always have an answer” and that is okay, I keep learning. There will never be a time where I have all the answers, not even close. But I will have more answers than I do now.

    Hope you do post again, anytime.

    anita

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.