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I am unlovable

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #62917
    Maureen
    Participant

    I ache. I was with someone for the last 8 months and he sent me an email and ended it. But I ache. I am in therapy and I have a lot to look forward to, but at least once a night my arms ache for someone to hold, or someone to hug me, or even someone just tos it next to me. I am very social and outgoing, but inside I’m so sad and lonely, no body knows. People like my sense of confidence and my sense of humor. I am very smart and work very hard. I have been told I am stunning, and beautiful and gorgeous and all but I am unlovable. I don’t know why. It isn’t because of this last break up, it is just what I feel is my truth

    I ache and I See that this is going to my life and I should embrace it, but I hurt inside because I am so lonely. On the other hand, I am looking forward to a change in thoughts and I Wonder what I will be like when I change the way I look at things. Like I Said, people praise my confidence, but I am not confident, I am scared of everything. I am just so lonely the funny thing is that because I feel this way, I stay to myself, if this makes any sense. I am 59 and all my life I have felt this way.

    Has anyone else ever come out on the other side of loneliness? Don’t you think it is possible a person could be likable but not lovable? I wish and pray to be in a loving relationship.

    #62921
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Maureen,

    A lot of your descriptions sounded very familiar to how I have felt. Outwardly very confident, but afraid of abandonment inside. In a way, the fear of abandonment can spur someone on to become lively and funny. It’s a way to guarantee that people would stick around for longer. Unfortunately the deep belief that one is actually not worthy of love tends to sabotage everything in the end. The created illusion of confidence can’t hide the deep seated beliefs for any prolonged period.

    The good thing is that you can indeed overcome it. The bad thing is that it’s not easy to change fundamental beliefs.

    Right now you are seeking attachment to someone else, so that you would feel loved, but the void within can not be filled by another person. It has to be filled by you. Others tend to treat you the way you treat yourself and how you see yourself: as likeable but not loveable. So you’ll probably have a lot of friends, but not that one romantic partner that you so crave to have. It’s not because factually there would be anything wrong with you. It’s because you fundamentally belief that there is something wrong with you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so scared. But those are all things that you’ve created for yourself and aren’t the actual truth.

    There are a lot of things that you could do. Try to stay active here and look around, read and participate. I would also recommend both Susan Anderson’s and David Richo’s books. Try Metta meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI

    Above all, you’ll have to let love in. Believing deep down that you’re not worthy of love and then seeking love is like trying to push together magnets that have the wrong kind of polarity. You might be surrounded by love (and you are), but the fundamental belief will shield your heart from allowing anything in, and thus you end up depriving it of love as well. Don’t deprive yourself. Nurture yourself!

    #62928
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Maureen,

    I feel for your loneliness. Are you willing to take a chance with someone? As The Ruminant says that someone is you and also another. To have an intimate relationship we need to open up, reach out, explore.

    Big blue

    #62938
    Irene
    Participant

    Maureen, I’m experiencing the exact same problem with you. All of my relationship, i’ve been the dumpee. It makes me wonder my self worth too and i desperately want to be in a safe and loving relationship that when i had one, i couldn’t see it. The fear was too intense and suffocating. I decided that it’s about time i face my fear once and for all. I’m tired of running away and hoping for another “perfect” partner to fix me.

    It’s really tough, you will fall and you will have to force yourself back up again. Every time i ache, i will put a hand on my heart and just talk to myself like how i will comfort a friend. I’ll keep telling myself that i love myself, and accept my good and bad, acknowledge that i’m hurting and it’s okay to feel hurt. I will still be here for myself. Seeing my inner self as a another person living inside helps me on my bad moments.

    The hard truth that i learned is that no one can truly understand how you feel or offer the support we need and be there for us. The only person that will, is ourselves. So we might as well learn how.

    I’m currently reading: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985
    maybe you can try that book.

    Sending love and prayer to you, hope one day we can finally be at ease with ourselves and hopefully a great life partner. If you need someone to talk or vent, i’m here for you. Let’s get through this together.

    #62943
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Irene, I just wanted to say that other people do understand and they can offer support and be there for you. What they can’t do is take away the feeling of loneliness on your behalf. When I felt like really sinking, I reached out to all kinds of people online and offline, trying to find something to grab onto that would pull me out, and I felt like nobody was understanding me. That wasn’t the case, however. I’m sure people did understand, but since the bad feeling just didn’t go away, I felt like I wasn’t understood. Sure, there are times when people just simply don’t understand or don’t care, but there are also those who have been through what you are going through and they know. The only thing that they can do though is to try to offer guidance and support, but that alone will never be enough. So in that sense, yes, you are the only one who can truly help yourself. That’s not a bad thing tough!

    #62945
    Matt
    Participant

    Maureen,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how alone we can feel, how empty. When you say “I am unlovable”, I hear “I have difficulty loving” or “I am unable to feel love”. Being “unlovable” is total bullshit, or else the folks here at TB wouldn’t be able to love you. And we do. 🙂

    I love Irene’s suggestion to put your hand on your heart and speak tenderly to yourself. The belief “I am unlovable” erodes quite wonderfully when we patiently, tenderly, take our heart in our hands and whisper sweet words of comfort and solace. After all, until you love yourself, until you open that wonderful heart of yours, show yourself how beautiful and caring you can be, how could you ever patiently help someone learn to love you properly, in the way you wish to be treated? How could you place your hand on their heart, patiently speaking whispers of tenderness to them in the way they wish to be treated?

    *hugs* to you, sis, I wish you could see how beautiful you really are.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #62956
    Maureen
    Participant

    I am grateful for these kind words and they do ring true. I am looking forward to being on the other side of these feelings. I believe I can change the way I feel. Right now, in my life, this is my most important journey. While it saddens me that other people know this sense of emptiness, that I am not alone in this. These responses make me remember some advice I received so long ago, it was, “what would you tell yourself, if you were speaking to your child?”

    I am a very patient person. Right now I am facing things I have not been able to articulate because I have not given it the thought I deserve. I have a good therapist. I wonder what I will be like on the other side of this? Thank you for your thoughtful and provocative words of wisdom. I have these comments on my phone to re read. I love to read and will take every opportunity to find these books and read them.

    Kind warm regards, Maureen

    #62969
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Big hugs to you Maureen..
    I am going thru a similar situation, I feel I am unlovable too, my partner of 5 years broke up with me, I a blaming myself as I feel I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m a very kind and beautiful person, but I have so much fears, I’m scared to fully accept love into my life, I find it hard even to love myself, so honestly I know what you are feeling.I have low self esteem, it’s been 2 months since he left me, I sometimes wonder if I will find love again.. Slowly I am trying to face my fears, the members here are precious, their support is amazing…
    It is great you are into therapy, it will help you understand better what is happening and you will emerge a stronger person..
    Kadija

    #63039
    Ryan Viola
    Participant

    I am sorry for your situation, but indeed you can come out of it. You need life partner that completes you and loves you a lot.

    #63075
    Maureen
    Participant

    I am not really an ‘online’ person. I like tiny buddha. It resonates with me. I have actually experienced comfort from the feedback.Ryan, Thank you. Because I am in therapy, and learning to meditate, et al., I am looking forward to getting a glimpse of who I really am and not who I was told I was. Just typing this creates enthusiasm for me.

    Attract Kindness and thank you.

    Maureen

    #64114
    Maureen
    Participant

    I am working on words. I am beginning to realize people do not think in those terms, it is like a fantasy. People love me, my sons love me, my friends love me. So I am revisiting the word to get a more realistic perspective on how I really feel, where is my true loss coming from.

    #64124
    Matt
    Participant

    Maureen,

    Consider spending some time looking at how everyone makes mistakes. You, me, them… all of us. The lucky ones laugh at mistakes, then clean it up if possible. The unlucky ones say “I’m a failure” and hide. If we actually look how silly we all are, bumping elbows and toes as we all try to find our happiness, connection, and so forth, we cultivate gratitude and humility… and an authentic, deep laughter at both the rain and sunshine. 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn5D2bFf_Tw

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #64133
    Jon Jones
    Participant

    Hi Maureen,

    There´s an excellent book I´ve been reading http://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Healthy-Image-Darrell-Knoch/dp/0615540597
    It has helped me a lot to feel better about myself and be more confident.

    Building healthy self-esteem and self confidence is something we must work on continually. Especially for sufferers of anxiety and depression!

    Once you start loving yourself, others will love you more easily!

    Have faith you will be ok!

    Jon

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)

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