Anita, urgent help, how can i delete this post(so i can repost again for private reasons?)

Thanks Anita, i think am fine now, did not realise my profile it was showing my identity which am not comfortable for obvious reasons,managed to change it! will continue tomorrow

GREAT TWIST YEAR 2

my mom who visited us for few months happened to meet him and felt he was a good person(which he is) ,also my brother staying with us got connected with him too..and it strongly made an impact on me that he could be a very good family friend and  felt more safe for me to continue the budding friendship .In The meanwhile some very petty  issues started with hubby which were no serious but still a bit hurting and more of a conflict in opinions and decision related to some property buying where my family was also involved.

Friendship was growing steadily and we all (me,hubby,separated gal,’he’ who often claims to travel on weekends to visit his wife hanged out together whenever we got a chance while he remained as a friend to all 3 of us .he developed a more closer relation (still a pure friendship frm my side)with me by calling often and that lead us to share interests,discussions abt our school and stuff like that.Little did I know it was me more sincere in sharing anything about my life or rather say 100% transparent about my life.

This gal used to tell nice about him how he had helped her in taking some decisions in life and suggesting abt career etc.And that he was a bit flirty type(told few other gals names who used to share their house and how he used to be  available to them) and that his wife having some probs on that front;also she also said she took suggestion from him about her marriage which did not work well  indicating  indirectly he was the reason for her unhappiness .But I always see her relying on him emotionally and in daily life in general.I still imagined it as as a pure  friendship at this point.It felt a bit weird to me the gal uses him in every walk of her life in the name of friendship   but  still blames him for the failure of her marriage and share some of his private matters with me when needed .she definitely wasn’t a straight forward girl but I still allowed her in my life having sympath for her who was  already battling with her life alone and  visualizing myself in her place.so a lot of sympathy on her despite she proving herself to be a cunning personality.

She got a new problem – her  Visa(was dependent on her irresponsible husband)was expiring and had to leave the country.her husband left the country bit earlier and I heard vaguely and from her too that he claimed this guy as a reason for their separation. Apparently the couple seeked his help when they fighted but he influenced the gal to stay distant for a while so the issue could get fixed etc.the gal started relying on him more than husband(who happened to be a irresponsible jobless person which was the reason for their fights  but still wanting his wife with a whole heart).Overall I understood he was trying to help her and that they share a very good friendship.I also sensed my friend was having a broken relation with his wife and that she was having serious problem with this friendship with other gals(i was no where in the picture as I was the last to enter his already broken life which I understood later). I suggested him gently(with a very pure friendly heart) that he should work towards fixing the misunderstandings with his wife by reducing these kind of psudo relations  in his life as i started seeing it gtting a bit abnormal friendship(or was already abnormal by the time I met these 2 people) as the gal constantly uses him but still talks negative about him  and blames him as the reason for her unhappy marriage as he apparently suggested her to get married with that guy who proved to be unfit. I never understood how he can be held responsible for her marriage decision anyway which was done with full involvement  from parents including 4 brothers and 2 sisters. Its definitely their responsibility to do background checks before accepting the marriage proposal.moreover the gal picked her husband consciously so his Visa could let her continue staying in the country. So she had her calculations !!

After the gal (and her separated husband )left the country due to Visa issues he was completely free to spend more time with me(mind you it was still friendship from my side) friendship was steadily growing with me innocently sharing  all my thoughts in general with a very pure thought. He had a baby early that year and I was truly happy for him and constantly told to  fix issues with wife. I understand from him that  his wife was having  serious concerns on his friendship with 2 gals(the one who left the country and  another best friend who was married with a kid). He fabricated his story in way I would never doubt or raise questions coz I have no expectations from him whatsoever other than wishing for his good life as a pure friend, his version

Before marriage, he loved a gal (same name as me) who resembles me in both looks and habits.

Her parents didn’t approve of their love and got her married to someone else, his heart broke ,started searching for that gal in every gal he would meet in  process of healing himself .

So in short he started spending more time with girls in a hope to see his lost love one day. In the course of life he met several girls but would never  had any relationships, he would simply be available to any  girls in need (girls with no fathers, struggling with no job,waiting to get married desperately, seeking financial help or who are broken in life with some tragedy in their lives)or  his network and  would enjoy their company forgetting his pain.

He would never explicitly express any feelings towards them but his actions would let the gals believe he was in love with them, overall both parties using each other with some pseudo relation if that a word to use

As soon as he gets to know the gal getting serious /loving him he would come out making himself free of any potential ties that could form making him more responsible.

Finally met her wife somehow which i wasn’t sure at this point how it happened.

The same pattern continued even after his marriage as he never felt contended with wife but he made sure she was not hurt in any other aspect knowing he was not giving his 100% to her in one regard due to voidness in him.

Remember I was not matured enough to dig deep or understand the complexities involved  in this  back then(roughly 5 years ago) and simply listening and accepting him more as a true friend, I told him the pain was understandable but the gals part wasn’t and that he should concentrate on fixing his behavior and issues with wife which he said he would provided I stand by his side as a good friend. Why not! i said yes! he also softly locked me into an agreement that i should not make any more male friends and give him my attention so he could fix issues with his wife and lead a happy life like us! Not knowing the intentions or depth behind it I accepted it just like that !

Also said wife was a bit harsh towards him in general not sharing similar interests or like his behavior towards friends etc .She actually believes he is having affair with his best friend(another gal who is married with a kid) .Also read some of her emails and understood she was hurt by his extreme friendliness to girls in general but not having any proof of affairs as such except him helping them when needed. probably true about not having any affairs and i believe it .I never met his wife but even helped him write an email to reconcile with her .with a pure heart.. i was very much determined to see his family life fixed in my own little way.He even asked me if I could be his friend for lifetime and give him strength so he could fix his family life. That including me not doing friendship with any more males for the rest of my life.I was not matured enough to think deep about this and happily agreed thinking it would help him fix his life which was I wanted as his true friend.His wife was giving hard time not showing the baby etc 9since the time he was born that year)which I came to know much later and even send him divorce notice! so all the weekends he was having fights but to us appeared like a man going ot meet his wife and baby.

YEAR 3

Fast forward a few months I let him into my heart while still struggling to understand what exactly happened to me, I have no hatred or serious to my husband and he really is a very nice person, although I realized I was never treated like a wife and just a  kid, mind you this is not blaming my husband but just telling how comfortable I was. with him. However i later contemplated but never got answer to several questions I had in my mind,might I was not developed as woman or did not grow old to understand marriage or naturally I was not meant to be a wife for him?  I have no major complaints on him though so I am taking its the effect of first love….I have no idea how the transition happened from one person to other mentally and physically..I still put hand on my heart and say I have no issues with my husband…

If I may so with whatever influence from other person, I fell in love for the first time ever in my life, I understand. As i grew closer to ‘him’ I understood I have no rights to stay with my husband anymore as the exclusivity was gone totally to another person and that I should progress towards second person, I have fallen in love(or I myself don’t know whats happening to myself and did not resist when my friend took the step forward) I felt it as a sin to stay in husbands mental arena anymore and stopped talking to him in the name of some very silly and small fights which my friend told was really critically, I am not escaping by telling I was not a woman and just a girl not knowing how the world around me was but I still believe it was the case…I felt so embarrassed to share this to any friends or family and totally relied on my friends to understand what was happening to me..I don’t blame it completely but I certainly can tell I was influenced and manipulated by my friend(I have full respect and love on him so this is just an analysis of situation than blaming him)to believe what I was doing is right, I certainly fallen in what is called love but i have no insights on what I should be doing to deal with the situation being a wife to an innocent man, I did not even get a chance myself to process any thoughts , I blindly relied only on my friend who obviously could not guide me anywhere as he himself initial this love game, Later he told that he hasn’t loved anyone after  his first love was gone atelast 12 years ago and that he had seen a lot of her features in me and my actions/interests. I have no idea he was loving me or trying to pursue me while all I was doing was to help him fix his married life with pure friendly heart and a well wisher. Now I don’t call him loving me was a sin but I certainly feel he as an elder to me knew what he was doing while i was a girl under development to become a woman and not knowing what I was undergoing.(yes i was 26+ but still not seen much of the life or experienced these kinds of never fallen in love) .Am just trying to explain how my mind has undergone the transition  so this was not a complaint on him or his love, he has seen and dealt many girls and life by then , a husband dealing family issues and a father to 1 year old, though I loved him a careful look into his life shows he was not a straight forward person and always relied on lies to get over something and it all bottled up over the years.

YEAR 4

Anyways after juggling here and there I have finally took the plunge to come out of the house(separated with my husband in the same house in the name of silly fights where friend was also involved but none of my family never knew what battles I was fighting inside me), I should have taken the situation to hubby and family to discuss the next steps rather I relied on my newly formed love/boy friend who obviously encouraged that I should come out if i have fallen for him and that its wrong to stay in the same house where my hubby lives, wicket down, He said i should come out and take a house so he could come and visit/spend daily, but he certainly knew a girl who has grown up like me among  several loved people including my hubby I would be incapable of staying alone(then) so the obvious outcome was  ‘living together’ which would be considered as the most disregarded activity in our culture and family but I had no choice as my situation became more complex,ok am a working woman with pretty decent income so shifting to to a new house became more easier…I really thought its a sin to be in husbands house while i was taken over by other man physically and mentally so a new phase starts………..

Hubby was unclear why i actually moved out as some silly fights as my defense though none of those were intense and could be reasons for separation. also he had seen few emails btw me and friend so he knew the friendship was moving somewhere else and that the friend was the one who was initiating these things but  not sure if he had any idea about me completing becoming his love.He sort of vaguely taken it to parents that my friend as having  bad intentions towards me which had worsened my already weak and unbalanced mind. Hubby though not angry and just vague on my departure never really tried to come and see where I was . not that i was wanting it to happen anyways, he had put all efforts in talking to my parents and calling me multiple times but never really done anything more than that. It became easier for me to settle down in the new place with my new love who influenced me saying coming out of my husband is the only way to test myself and husbands love incase i was struggling thinking !! He also said I would not be able to live in peace had If went back to my husband as i fell in love with him.

I gradually got attached to my new love and parents thought I was really having serious problems with hubby so did not push me  too much to go back to husband having no choice for them. all fine for few months and the dark phase starts..I slowly discovered emails from different gals from his past, now the trick starts..he had a very bad past which he fabricated to me only in a way I don’t  get scared too much ..kind of gave information saying that he was mentally disturbed losing his first love and searching that in different gals but i never knew what that could actually mean completely , having not seen much world . He had spent years crossing several girls sharing everything(except getting physical according to him) with them, being available to them when needed etc etc, sending them money if required..now i cannot call all of that as friendship , they are all some sort of vague relations clearly using each other in ways one cannot either question or ignore. Things came clear why his wife got fed up with him, now I knew a little bit of this before when he was my close friend but before even I understand the real meaning and impact of it the fall happened. who would have thought the friendship was really targeted as a potential search to find his love in-order to clear his voidness..for me it was an unexpected first love in life…for him it was a targeted search although he wasn’t sure I would fall for him..I still respect his love but am trying to explain the situation and analyse his behavior in general.

Visa girl hoped he would marry her although she kept him in queue for safety while she undergoes divorce..another girl friend whom he gave an impression that he would marry her before marrying his wife still in touch and keep asking money..another gal keeps mailing him saying she remained unmarried etc..he was going through divorce with his wife while she gives tough time not showing him the kiddo..listening to vague details of all these in the name of his ‘habit’ to overcome the pain and loss of his first love as a friend was too different and difficult to witness them in real life. I was a soft target for one of the girl above as she thinks I have robbed him from her(while I had no clue myself what happened to me in his hands), I was so confused how she made sure he was interested me(without correct info given to her) but if I think deep its very obvious for them to know it before me as they knew his habits..my world was totally different..studies..job..sports..creative writing..reading..newly married..happy bubbly ..all of a sudden my world started revolving around knowing  unpleasant things in life from his past plus my own baggage and tragedy of leaving my marriage in circumstances I never though would occur..ok people say leave the past but as a bubbly girl who has never seen much of these nonsense before, digesting all these things would be so tough and unpleasant.. i never wanted him myself so why approaching me knowing you have  a crooked past and present? i was happily living my own life with husband like a bubbly kid why target me and make me fall in love while you knew what you were doing!Anyways i had expressed no issues during that time and  and continued to love him selflessly although deep inside i began to understand much later how I was targeted for his emotional voidness in life ..I know am responsible for what I did but I wasn’t cognizant of any of these things in world yet then..so i was like a plain paper with a pure heart ,thought everything and everyone will be plain..I was innocently helping to fix my friends life while he was targeting to make me fall in love knowing his background would not be suitable for me mentally, socially and morally..his life was a mess and he claimed he changed for me as apparently i was the one whom his heart was silently searching even after his marriage..please note that all these details were vaguely shared to me while i was a friend to him so i never applied any thought very deeply as I was already married and had never seen him as my boyfriend or so , before even I get to know the full meaning of his words he made me fall in love with him..ok i fell in love with him..

Technically I was due to give divorce to my husband after coming out of the house  but was in deep shock for sometime as i could not digest what happened and what I did to the innocent man..Also  i came out in the name of silly fights so  rushing for divorce was not a thing to do..meanwhile my FIL died so there was no way I could disturb my already disturbed husband for divorce while clearly that’s not what he wanted  so i left the divorce thing and settling myself trying to accept what happend in my life. I told my boyfriend(BF) that he would need to give 300% support to me while I carry the emotional  baggage and tough times ahead, He was to go divorce as well but his case was quite simple , he never had pure intentions to be a nice husband as he married his wife on some obligation or mutual need and hence he continued his ‘habit’ of being available to gals and seek mental pleasure searching his lost love in them..which happend to be me finally! so his mental state was not as bad as mine as he never wanted his married life while I was happily  growing and maturing  in my newly married life..he did not like the fact that my divorce didn’t happen yet but hey we cant kill people ASAP just because we love each other..be it his wife or my husband..i was no way the reason for his divorce but he (and me)as the sole reason for mine..

He started showing his ugly behavior when my best friend(for 10 years) msged me with a pet name(gold) and i responded with a smiley, thats a problem to him…I dropped a male friend for few days but scared to tell him immediately as he had put conditions not to do friendship with any males which I nodded innocently during frndship days when agreed to fix his married life! he came to know that…imagine i was working as a project manager and having to try avoiding any good people coming into my life on a strict basis..i tried a lot but naturally failed in few instances as dropping friends sometimes become as an obligation while working in a corporate world..  in response to it he reached out to one of the gals from his past while i begegd him before not to  leave any traces of his past(that i hate) now that i have loved him anyways not knowing deep about it..that was a brutal shock to me him sending his selfies to gal that came from no where..she was sking him money the next moment..seems he was supposed to arry her..godddddddd…how many more such stories I would listen? where was my life leading to from studies job marriage hobbies higher studies to always discovering these nonsense stories and crying about them always..where was my valuable life being spent?am not really too much possessive and believe in understanding and love but he made me believe that love means only extreme possessiveness for each other else it was not love..ok accepted..even though i was not that kind of person..he never behaved like a responsible adult to sort out issues..i was  looking up to him like a guide..father..brother..friend..but he behaved very low..i was never grown up in such restrictive environment but I adjusted giving more value to love than to my feelings..

My parents vaguely came to know abt this affair and living together so immediately flew to my place, obv he had to move out  quickly on an urgent basis as we never  told our story…

I came to know he lied on my face and cheated me about his age ..he is 10 yrs elder to me while he claimed 6 yrs elder..he had several opportunities to tell me the truth but took all care to hide it and even lie about it..friendship..love..living together..everything happened and i was so stupid and innocent not to know this simple fact – his age! i trusted him blindly and held his hand innocently so this was a kind of shocker to my little heart..during friendship days i shared everything to me including me not wanting to marry a person who was not elder than 4-5 yrs to me..we had so many situations btw us where in he could tell his age as i always used to joke he was the eldest among my frnds(he told he was 6 yrs elder) etc etc..he has hidden it for years and i was stupid enough to not to inquire either …

to be continued….