“Hi, Lulu, I think that it is probably not a good idea to share his inappropriate joke with your family. What was the miscommunication that made them not like him in the first place?”

Good morning Hellcat (or evening, lol, I’m not sure because of the time differences), but the miscommunication was that my old therapist had been telling his son, who’s the same age as me, my business, and he was then spreading it around the school. My boyfriend is friends with that son and I thought he had had a hand in spreading that information around. I told my mother and aunt and they told me that it was likely he was fine and even helping to spread that sensitive information, but I found out that he had been the only one defending me, not spreading it.

I tried to communicate this with my mother and aunt, but they said it was best to leave him behind because they believed he was being two-faced, and he’s still in high school. My aunt was particularly adamant about leaving him behind since she was concerned that his friends were talking terribly about me and reporting my old therapist. I managed to convince her that it wasn’t his fault since he was 17 and my therapist was a grown man who breached my security. For now, they staved off on side eyeing him, but I know for certain that if they knew the joke, they would be angry at him and me for not saying anything.

He’s genuinely a really good partner. We text all day, every day, and he’s always showering me with compliments and being an incredibly good support. I just wish he hadn’t made that joke because I thought that so long as he continued doing that, he could “earn” the trust of my family. But that joke feels like another nail in that coffin.

I have no intention of telling my family about the joke. It would be hypocritical; I have joked similarly about his father and his friends, and even worse because I DIRECTLY said I was going to do it. I was joking, but it just feels like a terrible time right now.

My aunt is involved in my life, dating or otherwise, and she has very strong opinions about hanging out with the “right” people. I just know that if this got out, she’d be angry. Even though I have no intention of sharing the joke, I feel incredibly guilty for keeping that a secret.

It’s to the point where I can’t text or contact him without feeling that pang of guilt or imagining that look of anger or hurt on my mother and aunt’s face. They take crime very seriously, and threats even more so. I just know that they’ll be telling me that it’s possible that it’s not a joke or that he’s an actual threat even though I feel otherwise. I just wish I didn’t feel such a heavy pang of guilt. My family loves and values me and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I’m not compromising that.

[quote quote=439326]Hi Lulu Whether you stay with your boyfriend or not is up to you. I guess you are now taking stock of the way you communicate. Things said out loud or written as obvious but there is also the tone & content of internal dialogue. Most people especially when we are young are not actively circumspect about what they say. Think Say Do is how we operate a lot of the time, this chain reaction can happen in seconds. Ie tummy rumbles Think I am Hungry, Say internally I fancy a sandwich, Do make & eat the sandwich. If we are glib about hurting ourselves & others it can slowly erode our ability to be kind & compassionate to ourselves & others. Words do have power. Roberta.

Hi Roberta, I’m afraid I’m not quite certain what you mean. Would you mind elaborating a bit more so I can give you my thoughts?

“I would explain things further to your aunt, see if she changes her mind over time. I would explain things (your guilt, your loyalty) to your boyfriend, not accusing him of anything and being kind to him, and plan on a month-long break from contacting and texting each other, a break to be re-evaluated in a month.”

This sounds like a good plan, but I’m not sure if I could bare at the moment. He’s been the only person my age that I’ve been able to talk to. He still makes me feel good and I know he cares for me.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I want to do both. I want to be there for my family and also maintain a good relationship with him. I’ve told him about everything my aunt has done and he was remorseful. I honestly think it’s on me for joking in that way and then giving him the wrong idea.</p>