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October 4, 2018 at 6:48 am #228971
AnonymousInactiveI have been having issues with people in my husbands family for many years now. His sister in particular, who is arriving in London next month. I need advice on how to act around her considering we have not spoken for a long time. I decided to cut off the relationship between us as she was treating me poorly about 2 years ago. Now I will see her for the first time since that and I am confused on how to behave. Same goes for his aunt and uncle, they have upset me recently and I do not want to see or speak to them ever again but I may bump into them or see them by chance at my in laws house, again next month which I am very anxious about. Again, I am not sure how to react, I was planning to ignore them and not say hello so they can see I am clearly upset over what they did (disrespected me and my family) but need some guidance on how to react and behave or if they try to strike a conversation with me. Considering that I am still living in the London area where most of the family is, I will see people one day again and that scares me because I like to avoid confrontation or any interaction with people who have upset me or disrespected me. I just do not like to surround myself with people who are negative and hurtful or have been hurtful in the past.
October 4, 2018 at 7:38 am #228979
InkyParticipantHi patelh,
You don’t have to go if you know they’ll be there. If they ask your husband where you are/why you’re not there, he can say, “You’ll have to ask her that”. (They know why).
If you are surprised by their presence, different rooms, the bathroom, your phone, and getting something from your car (if you bring one) are your best friends.
Remember to seek sanctuary in politeness. “Hello.” “I’m fine, how are you?” “Everything’s OK”. If they don’t have information, they can’t use it against you.
If they insult you, say, “I don’t like that” get up, and leave to another room, the bathroom or outside. (I’ve found this highly effective!)
Good Luck,
Inky
October 4, 2018 at 8:02 am #228983AnonymousInactiveOK thanks for that but for my sister in law, I have to go visit her for the respect of my husband and to be civil and just show my face once. She may even drop my at my house. I cannot visit at all, so its hard as I do not want to be the one who looks bad. Also, on her day of departure she may have lots of relatives who I do like to see drop my at my in laws and again will have to go visit, bumping into people I do not like as well. On top my husband wants to do a family birthday dinner and she will be there, maybe I can just not talk to her at all and talk to others instead.
It just worries me on what to do here, I get anxious and dread things like this. Being insulted is my biggest fear as family members frequently do this and I never have a reply back to them – I also can never stop thinking of the insults that family members have said to me in the past and have hated those people as a result of it but still see them now and again but would prefer to not say hello at all or have any conversation what so ever. How can I overcome this?
October 5, 2018 at 5:30 am #229161InkyParticipantHi Again!
Well, you could go two ways:
One is to totally ignore the insults as if they never said them. Practice your poker face.
The second way you could go is to “over”-react so badly that they won’t insult you again because it’s not worth the trouble.
i.e. “The chicken you cooked came out a little rubbery.”
You: “OMG!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT!! You always insult me! Why do you do this??? WHY DO YOU DO THIS??? Husband! I can’t take this anymore!!! IneedtogetoutofthishouseIneedtogetoutofthishouse AAAAAA!!!”
Both techniques have worked for me! 😉
Inky
October 5, 2018 at 5:33 am #229163InkyParticipantP.S. The next time they see you, you then say,”….I still can’t get over that chicken comment you made in front of the WHOLE FAMILY. You must be really embarrassed. I can’t believe you said that….”
Then bring it up Every. Time. For. Thirty. Years. For. Every. Insult.
Believe me. You will be THAT relative. And it will feel great.
Good Luck!
October 5, 2018 at 8:44 am #229209AnonymousGuestDear patelh:
I didn’t realize you added a post to your previous thread Sept 18, if I was aware of it I would have responded to it then. In that last post you wrote about moving to outside of London as the best solution to avoiding conflicts with his mother as well as your side of the family. I hope your husband and you do move soon.
As far as this thread, you wrote: “I was planning to ignore them and not say hello”. I think it is a good plan.
“if they try to strike a conversation” with you, don’t engage in one, is my suggestion. If they ask you a question answer with a yes, a no, a maybe or with a sentence of a few words only.
In general, it is best to not give information to people who are likely to use any such information against you, use it in the future as part of an insult. So,: yes, no, maybe, that is nice, such short, vague, nothing-kind of answers will do.
anita
October 7, 2018 at 3:18 pm #229611
MarnieParticipantHello patelh,
I struggle with some of my in-laws as well, but I find that the best policy is just to treat everybody with respect. I don’t go out of my way to be friendly and I give short, concise answers to questions. I think just being a bit unemotional but still being respectful will get the point across that you are still not ok with them, but they won’t be given any reason to speak poorly about you later or go on the offensive. That is my advice, but I also don’t know your in-laws and I’m sure you will do what is most comfortable for you. I wish you the best on meeting your sister in law again.
Marnie
October 8, 2018 at 8:23 am #229731AnonymousInactiveThanks for the above, it is helpful. I also have another issue to deal with next month which I need help on.
My mother in law has not had a relationship with my parents not even said hello in passing ever since we got married 4 years ago. Now my daughter is turning one next month and my father in law said dont do a party to avoid his wife meeting my parents and causing awkwardness. I was going to do a party just with friends but have decided not to. I do not know how to celebrate my daughters birthday, am happy to do a family cake cutting at my house followed by dinner out with my parents and family but what about my husbands family? They may be expecting to do something and I am not keen to fork out the bill on two family dinners which will take place separately or even two cakes?! How should i tackle this situation? Bearing in mind future birthdays maybe celebrated with everyone invited together.
October 8, 2018 at 8:55 am #229739AnonymousGuestDear patelh:
Why not arrange a party in your home, choosing the guests to include your parents and friends, and suggest to your father in law that if he wants to have a party for your child’s birthday, that he can arrange one in his home and he will be the one to choose who to invite to his home for the celebration.
anita
October 8, 2018 at 10:01 am #229757InkyParticipantThe good news is that as your child gets older, it will be more common to throw a kids party. If asked, say, “Of course, you are welcome, but my parents might be there and it’s children’s party.” They can take her (and the family!) out to dinner OR they can babysit her for a weekend and celebrate with her then.
I’m a child of divorce, and this is how I handled it with the grandparents.
Inky
October 23, 2018 at 4:15 am #232715AnonymousInactiveOK great that helps, what about seeing family members in the same room as you and you don’t want to say hello but feel compelled to especially as they don’t say hello to you first and others are greeting them too, I tend to get anxiety over this and struggle to cope? I do not like these people but may come face to face with them one day.
October 23, 2018 at 7:08 am #232731AnonymousGuestDear patelh:
Well, in this scenario, say hello to them quickly, it should take a few seconds, do the quickest greeting possible, don’t wait for a response, just say hello, with a social kind of smile, and walk away.
anita
November 5, 2018 at 7:27 am #235491AnonymousInactiveThanks!
November 5, 2018 at 8:29 am #235515AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, patelh. Post again anytime.
anita
November 24, 2018 at 2:05 pm #248375AnonymousInactiveI ended up seeing family members I disliked – I knew they were there and would use the techniques above but it failed, I said “hi” politely and the response was: “what hi” you have to greet like this blah blah with an indian greeting. Spoken to very rudely and I had just walked into the house or room. After that I left the room and never went back in unless I had to get something. I was really upset and almost in tears to be spoken like this. Trying to avoid these people as much as I can and in the end I had to turn up for an hour to say bye to some family. After this, i have decided to avoid these people and never see them again which i hope i can as they do not live that near me and i cant keep going on like this getting verbally abused or spoken down to. I felt so belittled by the man and all i said was hi and what is worse it was in front of many family members and everyone was silent. Please help!
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