Home→Forums→Relationships→Hurt my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years, he won't speak to me.
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Alien incident47.
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September 28, 2016 at 4:51 am #116548
Deleted due to privacy infringmentParticipantI have been writing post after post trying to find some insight and many comments have been very mean and harsh… I am trying to understand my guys mindset, because I know I hurt him horribly.
He and I have been together for 7 1/2 years.. Many ups and downs at the beginning…. He’s made some mistakes, some big ones in the past, I chose to move forward.. Does not mean he should do the same with me…
During one of our big break ups years ago, I started dating someone else… As my ex and I started getting back into things, I ended the romantic relationship with this new guy but would remain in contact with him as friends…
This was 4 years ago… So for the last 3 years I have been friends with this guy, who I knew still cared for me deeply, behind my love’s back…. I knew it would hurt him and that is why I hid it…. My guy is throughly convinced it was more than a friendship, because some third party reached out to him anonymously and told him about this friendship…..
We basically lived together my guy and I… Did everything together… were planning a life together…. He started getting suspicious last week and kept asking me if I had anything to tell him… I told him when he gets home from work, we need to talk…. Im assuming the third party reached out to him before I did because he never came home, blocked my number and Facebook…. When I finally found him at his mother’s he told me he will talk to me later….. I didn’t wait, I saw him driving begged him to pull over and talk to me and when he did he was SO ANGRY… Said i’ve been lying to him for years, that I was dating this guy behind his back… I told him EVERYTHING… HE said he wanted to be left alone he needs to think…. Asked for his keys back and said he will decide what he will do with us. Asked me to let him be and he will contact me when he was ready..
I didn’t respect that as I should have and I kept pestering him a few days later, calling him, ringing his bell, texting him….. Asking for forgiveness and if he can talk to me and if he has decided what he wants of us yet?
He kept responding stop contacting me! if i have any reason to contact you i will your elfin lucky I’m talking to you now… like i said i will contact you if and when i choose…. i kept pushing and pushing and pushing… kept saying the same stuff.. finally he said ” no i don’t need time its over you decided this not me! ” … I freaked out he answered the phone was so SO angry with me kept yelling saying I was dating this guy behind his back… I even gave him an 8 age letter several days ago telling him EVERYTHING!!…… that we were just friends….
He kept saying leave him alone Im not listening he doesn’t want to get a restraining order for me to leave him alone ( he is a big law guy so he always uses this against me when i get pushy )… Finally he said ” I do not wish to speak to you at this moment…. If I do I will reach out to you “..
He’s so angry.. he’s told mutual friends he is done with this part of his life… We haven’t had a break up or fight in YEARS….. Ive never seen him so angry. I understand why and I deserve it….. But we have been planning our lives together and I no longer wish to be lie to my boyfriend about ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!…. We are early 30’s so we were serious about commitment together….. I am so worried he will never contact me again… He still has my stuff, my house keys, I have our dog… I feel like theres SO many loose ends and just cutting ties with a 7 year relationship so quickly is shocking…..
Does he just need time to think, adjust and reevaluate everything… to calm down..?
Or is it possible he is truly done never looking back??
September 28, 2016 at 5:04 am #116549
InkyParticipantHi jessv22,
IMO, The only guys you can legitimately be friends with are boys you knew from before you met your BF. But now that you’ve been together for so long, there is probably no one you can be friends with individually. Does that make sense?
His anger… He probably has suspected stuff (that wasn’t true) for a long, long time. And then this third party (do you know who that is?) told him misleading information that made you look irretrievably bad.
Your friendship.. What are we talking about? Was it meeting up for coffee once in a blue moon? Hand holding? Social media Friend? An emotional affair can be just as damaging as a physical one. The fact that your BF had to hear about it from someone else can be seen as a betrayal in itself.
I’m sorry to say, you coming at him again and again was boundary busting, as if his wishes didn’t matter.
What I would do ~ and I would only do this once ~ is write a note and give it to his mother, explaining it also to her. And in the note write, “It’s a shame you would end a relationship over something I haven’t done based on what someone else with their own agenda would love to think is real. I never was going out with Friend behind your back, but I might as well now.”
Only write the note if you would consider going out with your friend (you might as well!) If not, just talk to the mother (who might calm him down). Then LET IT GO.
Good Luck,
Inky
September 28, 2016 at 6:31 am #116553Deleted due to privacy infringmentParticipantI believe he has suspected stuff, because he has asked me in the past and I have told him we were friends… I just do not think he knows the gravity of our friendship….. He probably didn’t realize that we texted several times a week, hung out once every few weeks with other friends, no holding hands, no kissing, no sex, he actually never even came over my house….
The only piece of information that I know is that supposedly he received an anonymous Facebook message….. I was acting weird towards my bf all weekend because my friend whom had feelings for me discovered my boyfriend and I were together and he was very upset over it, he stated that I mislead him and he was going to ruin my life…… During the weekend I was so ashamed of myself because I had realized I was deceiving people… I was distancing myself from my boyfriend, I was not acting usual.. He kept asking me if something was wrong and questioning things I was doing… Finally one night he asked me if I had anything to tell him and I told him yes when he gets home from work.. He never returned home, he stayed at his mothers and blocked my number…… I had to chase him down and beg him to talk to me.. I have no idea how he truly did find out and who this third person was….. But my only information from a mutual friend was that there was an anonymous email telling my boyfriend that I was cheating on him or in a relationship with someone else….
I was told to give him a few weeks before reaching out to him again and before writing any note…. give him sometime to process his emotions and thoughts…
September 28, 2016 at 7:42 am #116554InkyParticipantCan you print out this post and give it to his mom?
You very honestly just explained it all right here.
September 28, 2016 at 9:28 am #116562
AnonymousGuestDear jessv22:
You wrote in your last post, about your boyfriend: “I just do not think he knows the gravity of our friendship”-
If you would like to explain here the “gravity of” your friendship with the other guy, please do:
What was the nature of the emotional intimacy you’ve been having with the other guy for three years? Is that friendship still ongoing presently and had it changed since the breakup with your boyfriend?
I am asking in an effort to understand you and your situation better and see where a better understanding may lead you…?
anita
September 28, 2016 at 10:49 am #116575Deleted due to privacy infringmentParticipantThe gravity of the friendship is that we spoke several times a week and hung out with friends every month or so…
The friendship has ended and he’s dating someone
September 28, 2016 at 7:52 pm #116625AnonymousGuestDear jessv22:
It was a mistake to have this friendship behind your boyfriend’s back. You wrote: “I knew it would hurt him and that is why I hid it…. ” You knew it would hurt him so not having this friendship would have been the right thing to do.
Seven and a half years with your boyfriend is a long time though.
To get back with your boyfriend, I would recommend that you attend psychotherapy with a competent therapist. In therapy gain insight into why you kept this friendship even though you knew it will hurt your boyfriend; gain insight into your motivation.
Share with your (now ex) boyfriend that you are attending therapy for this reason. Maybe involve him in the therapy- have him attend a couple of sessions with you.
I don’t know the quality of the relationship you had with your boyfriend for so many years- it may be a good idea to look into it, in therapy.
Best of course, to not chase him, no matter how desperate you feel. Calm down best you can, it will serve you better. And do post anytime.
anita
September 29, 2016 at 8:29 am #116678
Alien incident47ParticipantSadly I know your pain and what your going through, breaking someone’s trust and trying to figure out how to regain it is hard , especially when they cut off communication on your part is equally hard . I have done that recently and hidden things that came to light , some of it was harmful more than needed to be. Your doing all you can to get communication going and he is wrapped up in anger to here you , it feels like they are putting more pride in their hurt , pain and anger that you can’t get through him. In your situation , first try to find ways to occupy your thoughts and give him space , work on ways to forgive your self and learn from this, keeplease your self active . As for your friend decide how much you need him in your life and seek closure if you need to cut him out of your life .
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