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How to stop getting so mad at boyfriend

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  • May 1, 2018 at 8:38 am #205069
    mallllh
    Participant

    Me and my boyfriend have been together over a year and the past few months have been on and off, mostly because of communication issues. We both just went on a trip to Cuba separately, and we didn’t label our self to be “in a relationship” before he left and he went with all his single guy friends who are obsessed with girls. He got back and I asked if he hooked up with anyone and he said no then I kept questioning it and he started a huge fight. He has lied quite a bit in the past so my brain just keeps over thinking it. We have been hanging out since he got back and I can’t stop getting mad at such little things, I feel so crazy and I feel like everything I say he thinks I’m nagging. For example last night he just wanted to go to bed early while we were watching a movie and I got so mad, because we haven’t spent a lot quality  time together since he got back, or been sexually active so I freaked out saying I’m going home and started ignoring him, but all he wanted to do was sleep because he’s sick from going away. I only realize how bad I handled the situation the next day and I’m afraid if I apologize for last night he will realize I nag too much and want to break up for good. I don’t know how to fix this. I feel like I get mad at the smallest things and its really not his fault

    May 1, 2018 at 8:58 am #205089
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mallllh:

    You wrote: “He has lied quite a bit in the past”- what kinds of lies did he tell you and in what circumstances (following you questioning him?)

    You wrote that you didn’t label yourself “in a relationship” before traveling to Cuba. Did you label yourself in-a-relationship at any time in the past or after Cuba?

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 9:14 am #205093
    Mark
    Participant

    mallllh,

    If you two were not in relationship then it does not matter whether he hooked up while in Cuba (or anywhere else or at anytime) does it?

    If you get mad at the smallest things then there is at least some trust issues with him.  It seems that also with your anger it comes from not having your needs met, like quality time.  Have you two tried talking about what each other wants/needs when neither of you not being triggered?

    Mark

    May 1, 2018 at 9:30 am #205105
    mallllh
    Participant

    We have been in a relationship in the past yes, when we took a break we decided to take things slower and we didn’t want to get back into a relationship super quick. We both wanted to work on ourselves because we realized we relied on each other for happiness which was draining. But for Cuba we were still together, acting the same as we did before we just didn’t have label on it. Communication is kinda getting harder because I feel that if I mention anything to make our relationship better its just me nagging. I want us to work out so bad so I’m going to try and control lashing out at the little things because it causes unnecessary  fighting. Only thing is I feel like this last little argument was the last straw for him, he was acting so different in the morning. How do I make this better, I feel like I’m going crazy!! We both love each other a lot, but I just want to stop the little fights.

    May 1, 2018 at 9:32 am #205107
    mallllh
    Participant

    I know if I trusted him more, it would fix a lot of problems. He hasn’t really given me a reason to think he has ever cheated on me. In the past when we weren’t as serious he would talk to random girls on snapshot but that was long ago and he knew it wasn’t right, I think I’m just holding on to the past.

    May 1, 2018 at 10:15 am #205117
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear malllh:

    You wrote that you are “going to try and control lashing out at the little things because it causes unnecessary fighting”- I think better you control lashing out at the little things and the big things.

    I don’t believe there is such a thing as necessary fighting in the context of what should be a loving relationship. All fighting is unnecessary.

    You wrote: “We both love each other a lot, but I just want to stop the little fights”.

    Good plan, but better expand the plan and stop the little fights and the big fights.

    If you can handle it, and if he can as well, not fighting, that is, then it can be a beginning to a new chapter in your relationship- a none aggressive chapter. In this chapter lots is possible to accomplish as long as the two of you are assertive (not aggressive) and respectful with each other.

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 10:33 am #205127
    mallllh
    Participant

    I agree 100% to no fighting! The only thing is he has pretty bad anxiety, and whenever something triggers the anxiety he acts like a completely different person. Which can sometimes cause him to get angry with me, and can try and blame the whole situation on me. I understand that anxiety can do that, because I have it too but when that happens I don’t know how to react cause it just makes me want to fight back so he will realize it isn’t my fault, its just his reaction to the situation. But at the same time I would much rather resolve the issue than win the fight. In that case, if its just his anxiety what do I do? He realizes after the fact that it was the anxiety but not until he gets home and thinks about how he reacted. I want to be there for him, and I usually am but when he blames it all on me its hard to sympathize and not over react.

    May 1, 2018 at 10:48 am #205137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear malllh:

    It takes two. You cannot be under attack and not react. In other words, he has to learn to be anxious and not act aggressively toward you. He has to endure his anxiety without reacting automatically to it.

    It is not effective to wait for a time when one is no longer anxious and then act respectfully toward one’s partner. The time to act respectfully toward one’s partner is now, every day, no matter how anxious.

    Do you think it is something he can do, something the two of you can do in the relationship?

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 10:53 am #205141
    mallllh
    Participant

    Yes I believe so, its just every time I try and talk to him about things that will help the relationship he says we will talk about it later. I think its because he thinks I’m always nagging when I say anything about our relationship. But I will try my best!

    May 1, 2018 at 11:19 am #205149
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear malllh:

    To talk with him with minimal anxiety on his part (and yours) and with you not feeling that you are nagging him, you can suggest to him that the two  of you will talk for a short time each talk, take a long break in between one talk and the next.. you can schedule time-limited talks, the two of you deciding on the time limit and schedule.

    *Will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

    anita

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