Penguin,

I’m sorry for the sense of isolation you experience, and know how agitating it is when we feel lonely. Sometimes when we feel jealousy for others, envy for their experiences, we miss out on the beauty that is around us. This stunts our own happiness, because we feel like we are missing out. A few things came to heart as i read your words.

Ironically, as we look on with longing at the experiences of others, we do miss out. For instance, as you think about people drinking and having fun together, the tea in your hand doesn’t get as much attention, as much appreciation, and the joy that arises from drinking it diminishes. Quite naturally we feel lonely, like we are missing out, because we are! The tangle is only that we think we’re missing out on the “drinking buddies”, when what we’re really missing out on is the tea.

The solution is actually simple and refreshing, but does take practice. We spend time wishing for the happiness of others, for them on their side. For instance, my daughter and niece sometimes like playing games. They get into it and completely ignore me, and as I see them and all their joy at playing their game, my heart quite naturally doesn’t become envious, jealous that I’m not playing with them. I simply see them, want them to have fun together, and rest peacefully and happily as I sit alone. Perhaps, as you see your friends connecting or people drinking together, consider how wonderful it is for them to be having fun. Accept that you’re not in the same place, physically (such as friends at other universities) and mentally/emotionally (not interested in drinking), but for them where they are, huzzah!

This heartful and loving warmth is sometimes called metta, and where envy and jealousy cast a shadow on the heart, metta brings light. Said differently, envy and jealousy naturally erode as we spend time seeing and wishing for the happiness of others. Consider taking up a metta meditation practice, where you intentionally open and expand the light in your heart, your chest. Then whether you are alone, in a group, at a bar, watching a movie, or sipping your tea, your eyes will stay open to the garden around you. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube may sing to you, if you’re interested.

Finally, consider that Buddha said that the community we connect to is one of the main components of our stability. When monks leave the sangha, sometimes they experience symptoms of a “tiger lost in the woods” and their practice and mindfulness diminishes in strength. Said differently, even as our loneliness can be resolved internally, it still helps us to connect with like minded people. Perhaps consider a local meditation group, yoga center, or Buddhist sangha. Even if you’re not “spiritual” in the same way, those places often attract people that similarly prefer sobriety to intoxication, soft to loud, and peace to chaos. Don’t be afraid to move on, but don’t give up looking! 🙂

Namaste, friend, may you find peace and contentment.

With warmth,
Matt

I understand how painful this is…I’ve been there so many times especially that I moved from country to country, state to state….

Last year, I felt that I have my husband my dogs in my life… no social life, no fun outside of me and my husband… I was looking for some like-minded people for year but I often found an excuse to why I don’tget along with them ect…. I’m a big introvert and I don’t like to mix up with groups just for the sake of making friends. So, what I decided to make things happen for me… I set my intention of meeting like minded friends and I created a meetup group that I called: Spiritual, intellectual and super fun group. The description of the group was exactly what i desired. In my head I said: I have nothing to lose so I might as well make it the way I want. Guess what? Everyone who joined my group were very much like me. It was a great way to meet like-minded people.

One essential thing though is to accept reality…that’s what helped me move forward…., when we truly admire who we are and become friends with ourselves.. this is when we allow openness and spaciousness into our life…this is when we’re not afraid of rejection and instead we accept and welcome what is…

Hey,
As others have said, i’ve definitely experienced this feeling countless times in my life and i’m sure practically everyone does. I’m sure even your friends who appear to have a solid, fun social group still have insecurities. The grass is always greener. Sure, it may seem that they have everything they need socially, but it tends to be human nature that once you have something you begin to take it for granted and to wish you had more, to be/look ‘better’. Nobody ever reaches the point where they go ‘right, everything’s perfect. I’m great and my life is great’ (at least not for very long). This is because things like this are manifested in the exterior, often in the form of status, outward appearance, money, ‘success’ etc. In short, in things you can see.

Also, if you use social media please, please consider either taking a break from it or using it much less. It can be used as a torture instrument to remind yourself relentlessly of all the things other people seem to have and all the things you ‘lack’. You don’t lack anything 🙂 you sound like a wonderful person who is a great friend and great company. Social media is a messed up way for people to try to deny their insecurities, big themselves up and make it look like their lives are incredible. Rarely is this a true reflection of their reality. At the least, it is an enhanced one. Be confident to embrace your authenticity.

And as the old saying goes, you tend to get what you want when you stop looking for it 🙂

I hope this helps a little