Dear abi:

I read your post slowly and attentively. This is my understanding, at this point:

your boyfriend has significant mental health issues. He has been obsessed with this woman you refer to as his ex. She was probably not his girlfriend, and if she was, it was not for long. They may not have had sex at all, or it they did, it might have been a one time thing, perhaps when intoxicated. Everything he told you about this woman and about a relationship with her is suspect to me, probably made up. Not true, not real.

His obsession with her predated you, has gone on throughout the relationship and is still going on: the reason he doesn’t talk about her is that you do. If you stopped talking about her, bringing her up, he would do it himself.

Why is he obsessed, I am thinking that she triggers in him strong feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, rejected, feelings from childhood.

If you talked to this woman, it will be, I am thinking, an amazing experience for you.

Unless he attended serious psychotherapy, for a long, long time,  such dysfunction on his part, cannot just go away. Again, if you stop bringing her up, he will. Or some other, new obsession will take hold.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Hi Abi,

I went through a similar experience with a guy over the last two years. He was fresh out of a relationship, and while we started great, but after the honeymoon phase of our relationship, he started to bring up his ex in ways that made me feel like he was very much still hung up on her and was comparing the two of us. Like you, I asked him to stop repeatedly, but it was like he literally couldn’t help himself. It turned me into a depressed, anxious mess, and sent me into a tailspin that saw me lose my job and alienate some of my closest friends.

Eventually I realized there was no happily after with him and I cut him out of my life entirely. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and it hurt like hell for months. The recovery came in pieces- first I realized that forgiving him and forgiving myself for getting into the situation were linked, and if I wanted to truly move on and find happiness, I needed to forgive both of us. Holding onto the bitterness or as you called it, anger, only hurt me. A month later, I took myself on a date and saw the first movie I’d seen without him in almost two years, and it hit me- just how much better I felt without him in my life. The final realization I’ve had lately is that if he truly loved me at all, he wouldn’t have treated me the way that he did. He wouldn’t have made me feel so inadequate or unworthy of his time.

My advice to you is to do the same- cut him out of your life. Find a therapist to help you navigate the emotional recovery and to help you rebuild your self-esteem. Lean on your friends to remind you that you’re not alone in this world, and there are people who love you deeply and want to see you happy again. Above all, be kind to yourself and remember that life is a journey. You seem smart, sensitive, and compassionate, and I don’t doubt that you’re capable of achieving anything you put your mind to, but remember to be patient with yourself as well. There’ll be good days and bad days, but eventually you’ll look back and realize how much you learned from this experience and that knowledge will positively impact your relationship when you do find the right guy.

Dear abi:

You wrote: “I want to know that I tried everything I could to fix us before I even began thinking about breaking up with him”-

I suggested to you in my first post to you that the man is obsessed, or has been obsessed with this woman and no longer talks about her because you do, and so, you carry on his obsession.

Do you think it is a good idea if you talk to this woman, whom you already met? Ask her if there was a relationship at all between them and what kind? You may learn more about this man that you want to … fix. If you learn more about what there is to fix, you will have a better idea about what to do next.

anita