Hi Felix,

welcome back! It’s good to hear you’re doing better job-wise and that you’ve found a job you really like. That’s great progress!

I am sorry though that you’re suffering in the relationship department and cannot find anyone suitable.

And the second issue is the anger at women that I am trying to process. A lot of what I feel is fair criticism, but my anger goes deeper (and no I don’t express it online and that’s not the answer). But it’s irrational.

It’s good you’ve realized you feel angry at women and that it goes deeper. We’ve spoken about it in your last thread. This is what I believe is the root cause of your anger:

My mom divorced my dad as soon as I was born and found someone who had status and money (considering it was USSR). So that’s why I don’t fully trust my mom even though she is a very good person, she still put her own ambitions over her husband and son a the time.

Your anger at women in general may be irrational, but your anger at your mother is very rational and justified. She was the first woman who betrayed you.

Any thoughts on how to manage this utter awful feeling of loneliness, sexual frustration, desperate need for closeness and intimacy, female friendship, etc?

Well, I think you’d need to work on that early anger towards your mother and the experience of having been abandoned by her. You’d need to heal that wound before you can be ready for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. Are you still attending therapy?

Hi Felix,

happy summer to you too 🙂 I am fine, although chronic knee problems have kicked in again, so this gives me some trouble. Other than that, I am fine, thanks for asking.

My mom has nothing to do with this, honestly. She didn’t do a great job with me, but she is a good wife, daughter, and even mother at times. This is a lot deeper.

Unresolved trauma from childhood runs very deep, it’s been proven. Volumes have been written about it. So don’t be so sure it doesn’t have to do anything with it. On the contrary…

I don’t have the answer to any of this. I just decided to concentrate on my studying, gym, biking. I’ve never felt so hopeless about something so silly like meeting girls. I wouldnt want to wish my frustration about this with anyone.

I understand your frustration. Totally. I am giving you a possible answer, though. A possible place to look.

PS. I am not looking to find the cause or blame mom or anyone else. Past is in the past. I am trying to disconnect from my primal urges for intimacy and relationships before they lock me away at a mental hospital.

Past isn’t in the past. Unless we process our childhood trauma, it’s right there in our adulthood, haunting us, affecting our lives in undesirable ways. We can’t escape it, other than suppressing and repressing it – which isn’t healthy. Don’t try to disconnect from your primal needs because they are valid. Rather, work in therapy through the trauma, through the pain, so you can be healed. There is no way around it, but through it.

I am not seeing a therapist now, but I will once my new insurance kicks in. This is just stupid and sad. I am angry at my self because it’s happening in my own head and I can’t stop it =((

Please do see a therapist when you can, and work on your childhood trauma. We’ve already spoken about it before. There’s a little boy inside of you who craves to be loved, and his craving is legitimate. Don’t be angry at him, but have compassion for him. The way isn’t to beat him till he’s curled on the floor and can’t utter a sound (which would be repression), but to tell him you’re there for him and that he deserves love.

Hi Felix,

thanks for your kind words regarding my health. I hope your asthma will get better too.

I have this mental thought and I am pretty sure it’s an accurate representation of reality, is that until I am super fit physically (and emotionally), have a house, and can show a woman that I can be a good father, I have NO chance.

This mental thought is a reflection of your experience with your mother. Unless you’re materially well-off (owning a house is a pretty high standard!), you believe you’ll be unattractive and invisible to women. Your experience with your ex wife was different, you said she wasn’t materialistic, however the early imprint is still active in your subconscious and is running your life.

I know that’s not always the case, but I am going based on the last few years of my life. I am invisible to local women.

Our subconscious beliefs are like a magnet. They attract what we believe is true. If you strongly believe you aren’t rich enough to find a woman, it will become your reality. For example, you’ll look in wrong places, you’ll be attracted to a wrong kind of women (materialistic ones) and won’t notice a different type, you’ll mingle in the wrong neighborhood, you’ll give away a vibe that will repel women etc etc. All those are ways how we create our reality based on a subconscious false belief.

But this relationship problem, I truly feel it will break me. Not being overly dramatic or anything like that. I truly feel like I will lose my mind being this lonesome.

I know you’re not exaggerating. Being in a relationship, having a loving, caring connection with someone is a basic human need. But there is a trick there: if we don’t love ourselves, if we believe we are unlovable (because we for example aren’t rich enough), no amount of outside love will satisfy us. We’ll still believe we are unlovable, and we’ll sabotage even the best relationship. This might have happened to you earlier, perhaps, with your wife?

In any case, the place to start when looking for love is within. You need to love yourself first, so you can be ready for a healthy relationship. Otherwise you’ll blow it. Can you see that?

Hi Felix,

I am sorry about your experience and your pain. I hear and can almost feel your pain as you say “I am all alone and it’s only getting worse. It’s a perfect storm and my only reaction (internally) is sadness and tears.”

I hear you and agree with you and I am looking within.

That’s good, because a large part of your problem is related to your experience with your mother. This past trauma is magnifying what you are experiencing on the outside: selfish, materialistic women who don’t even notice you.

The problem is that the good ones are either already taken or are being pursued by 10 guys or more

Among the good ones, there are women who get divorced or break up with their boyfriends, so there is always a new influx of available women. Because life circumstances change… if you believe these percentages are set in stone and that your chance is minuscule, you’re making it much harder for yourself. You only need ONE good woman. And she is out there for sure…

Hi Felix,

I make six figures, I live in a nice area, I drive a nice car, I can hold a conversation better many, but women are not looking for that

So what do they want? 7 figures? Perhaps you live in a posh place like Beverly Hills, where the appetites are insane?

My ex-wife, who is sweetest person I ever met, on a dime turned into a monster whom I did not recognize.

What has she done? From what you’ve described so far, you said she wasn’t materialistic but there were other issues.