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How to make friends and keep them?

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • July 8, 2018 at 10:18 am #215893
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    my question concerns with my inability to have made any good and lasting friendships.

    just yesterday, a friend of mine yet again made plans and flaked on me (didn’t show up). I spent time travelling to meet her and she could have put in more effort to contact me and let me know she wasn’t going to show up. She does this all the time and today I snapped and replied to her “I’m sorry” message with my true feelings (I feel annoyed and upset you didn’t let me know before I spent the time showing up).

    this has happened to me with all my other friends. Some don’t reach out to me the same way I do to them. Some assume that I’m not interested in going out with them (I am) and don’t invite me. Others put me down in front of others. It’s rude . I want last friendships. The kind where you invite each other to each other’s weddings, spend time with each other, respect each other ext.

     

    what do do I need to do to find a friend like that? Am I really the problem…am I too boring of a person to befriend? Why does this keep repeatedly happening to me…does the universe want me to remain lonely?

    July 8, 2018 at 8:12 pm #215923
    Tara5000
    Participant

    Hi RedDress,

    What is your age range? Are you in high school, college, other?

    it’s possible you’re letting people pick you to be their friend. Try to pick someone who’s behavior you respect and then be friendly. Good people treat you well and unless you’re a real jerk they will appreciate you for the good person you are.

    It’s smart to look for lifetime friends. You can build those relationships and have something in your life worth more than money can buy.

    Love yourself and be friendly. The right people will be drawn to you. Don’t give up. You’ll find your peeps!

    T

    July 9, 2018 at 4:27 am #215953
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi RedDress,

    It could be a maturity issue (on their part) and one they will hopefully someday outgrow. If enough people shed them as a friend because they are flakey, passive and mean-girls, they will learn to treat people better. Maybe in ten years you can be around when that happens.

    Don’t be afraid of becoming friends with people outside of your age range either.

    I wish I had better advice. My other one is to Accept People The Way They Are (master level), but it sounds like you’ve had enough of their bull crap. It’s OK to say, “Enough!”

    Best,

    Inky

    July 9, 2018 at 9:21 am #215991
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    You asked: “Am I really the problem… Why does this keep repeatedly happening to me..?”

    My answer based on a previous thread: it keeps happening to you because on one hand some people are truly unreliable, dishonest, deceiving etc. But this does not explain all of your experience. The explanation to the consistency of your experience with friends is that you were raised to believe by your parents that everyone will betray you, that no  one is trustworthy.

    You wrote about your parents: “all they talk about is how this friend betrayed them, berated them, made fun of them, annoyed them…I don’t fully believe my parents”- see, you wrote that you don’t fully believe your parents. It means that partly you do believe them. I think you believe them a whole lot.

    So basically, in your mind, in line with your parents’ mind, there are only enemies out there. It is impossible to make friends with enemies. Isn’t it?

    anita

     

    July 9, 2018 at 4:33 pm #216035
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Tara,

    I think I do let people pick me as their friend a lot. Mainly because I find it difficult to approach first or to appear “too invested” in a friendship. I have this belief that everyone has a best friend already or a partner and don’t need me.

     

    hi Inky,

    i do have friends in other ages but they are more like my older advisor friends. I guess I just wish there were some my age who understands and reflects my life experience.

     

    hi Anita,

    I think I do believe them a lot more than I let on. I guess I never saw the link as clearly until you pointed it out. I also have a hard time getting along with people because I believe I’m hard to get along with (sometimes rough and too upfront, not very open, moody). It’s almost a blessing when someone likes me enough to talk to me more than once. Every day my parents remind me how hard I am to get along with and that It’s no wonder I have no friends or lasting relationship. It’s almost like I believe their words so much I self sabotage myself and don’t think I could be truly lovable. My parents always say that the person who will date you will just have to not really care about your feelings because you are so moody and hard to talk to.

    July 9, 2018 at 4:34 pm #216041
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Reminds me also that every day, my parents tell me how much of a hard child I was. They remind me of all the things I did wrong, all the times I upset them and ext. I guess I just let it become my self image

    July 10, 2018 at 4:54 am #216093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    I will share with you a bit about my experience which has a similarity to yours: my mother complained to me a whole lot about other people using her, abusing her, taking advantage of her, deceiving her, and on and on and on. A whole lot of that talk, day after day, year after year, pointing out to me how untrustworthy people are, how they do and will deceive me. I stayed away from those other people, not trusting (we children believe our parents, naturally).

    One would think perhaps, that my mother and I were close, since everyone else is untrustworthy, then the two of us trusted each other, were close.. but no, she blamed me that I used her too, that I abused her, took advantage of her, deceived her. I was no exception, in her mind. I was like all those  other people.

    But notice this: when she blamed me for what was farthest from the truth, for deceiving her, for having the intention of hurting her, by this very claim, she betrayed me. And so, she left me alone, alone with her and alone in the rest of the untrustworthy people out there.

    My mother claimed repeatedly that I was a difficult child. I believed her. I still wonder if there is any truth to it. Maybe she was referring to me getting sick when I was a baby, having had to take me to a hospital for the weeks or months I spent there. I suppose that was difficult for her.

    anita

    July 13, 2018 at 2:42 pm #216577
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Wow Anita, that is a very powerful experience to have lived through. I’m sorry for the pain it probably caused you.

    July 13, 2018 at 2:44 pm #216579
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It’s been a week since my friend sent me an apology and told me she’s make it up to me. I told her that I forgave her however she has not gotten back to me since or even made plans to meet up another time. It’s really hurtful that I thought she cared for me but she just completely drifted away from me. She probably only asked for forgiveness because I told her I was upset…. not because she actually meant to do anything about it

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