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How to let go of jealousy/paranoia?

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  • #211849
    kali
    Participant

    Hello all,

     

    I get the best advice on here from blogs and these forums that I thought I’d try with this.

    I have been dating someone for about 2 years now. I know he would never cheat on me, or even close to it but now that I’ve started to fall in love I have this constant paranoia that he is. Every time his phone goes off I think it’s a woman or I think he likes someone if he follows them on instagram. I always eventually correct myself to know that I should trust him because he has never once given me a reason not to, but anytime I see him on his phone the thought comes up again.

     

    as for other relationships it’s been the same thing. I would eventually ruin those relationships by breaking it off because I had a “feeling” they were with someone else just because of social media or making up scenerios in my head

     

    my father did cheat on my mother when I was a kid and it led to divorce. I assume that’s a big reason why but as I got older I got over it. I learned that my mother wasn’t happy in the relationship, didn’t talk or appreciate him anymore and they both have admitted their wrongs so I don’t see why that would affect my life in my 20’s

     

    i guess I’m just not sure why I am like this, and scared it will affect all of my relationships now and in the future. I don’t want to be the non-trusting girlfriend either while I’m keeping it inside and driving myself crazy, or be the girlfriend who is constantly accusing.

     

    Thanks for anyone that reads this!

    #211885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear K:

    You wrote: “I should trust him because he has never once given me a reason not to”. Regarding previous relationships, you wrote, “I had a ‘feeling’ they were with someone else”.

    If you didn’t experience cheating, or betrayal before your relationships with men, you wouldn’t be worried about it, the thoughts and that ‘feeling’ wouldn’t occur to you. The thoughts and feeling occur to you because they were there, recorded in your brain, most likely as a child,  and they get activated in relationships with men as an adult.

    Our experiences in childhood are most powerful.  A child is not a separate mental entity form the parent (the most present, care taking parent, usually the mother). When your mother expressed distress about being betrayed, it was your distress, it was you being betrayed.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

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