How to let go of emotionally unstable friend?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 30, 2017 at 10:12 am #161090

dreaming715
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I’m a girl and I’ve been looking for new girlfriends since many of my close ones have since gotten married, moved away, etc… On an online support group for a medical condition I have, I found a girl who is my age and lives 30 minutes away from me. We clicked instantly and I was excited to gain a new friend.

Since we began getting to know each other more, she’s said some pretty disturbing things. I’m going to keep it at a minimum, but if you would like to bypass the things she has said or done, no need to read past this point.

She admitted to once getting angry at an ER doctor, taking her IV out of her arm, and spelling out derogatory words in her own blood. I thought this was very disturbing.

One day she also called me in a panic. I texted her apologizing saying I couldn’t answer the phone because I was at work. She texted me a picture of her hand, which was slightly swollen and had a few scratch marks. She said she “woke up like this,” went to the ER- cussed out the ER doctor because he wouldn’t order an x-ray. She then called a nurse’s help line and cussed them out for asking if she it may have been a cat scratch since she had two cats. Then she went to an urgent care center and got mad at them as well and texted me saying, “I’ll ******* set my lawyer against her. Putting that **** in my chart ***** my cats over.” She called me AGAIN and I told her I couldn’t talk because I was still at work.

Honestly, talking to her really brings me down. And this isn’t healthy. How do you let go of an emotionally unstable friend?

July 30, 2017 at 10:28 am #161098

Eliana
Participant

Hi Dreaming,

It sounds like she has unresolved Borderline issues, or other personality self-harming/lashing out at people, but like you said, if not treated very unhealthy. You don’t have to “officially end” the relationship, since you both met online. You can choose to not return her calls, texts or e-mails. If she calls, politely tell her you are walking out the door, that’s all you have to say and end the conversation. Have no more contact with her via the online support group. If you would rather end it by talking, just say, you feel you do not feel you are compatible, but be prepared as she may get very argumentative and lash out. Best thing to do, is just end all contact, soon she will get the message. I’m sorry this happened.

July 31, 2017 at 3:40 pm #161420

Vox_Populi
Participant

Hi Dreaming, I know how you feel, my best friend of 20 years has recently been diagnosed as schizophrenic and it was becoming more and more apparent. It was really difficult to deal with because after being extremely paranoid at her husband also my best friend, she became paranoid of her children, me and my family; saying varying sorts of just insane things. It was very hurtful but I have to understand she’s mentally ill and I truly feel like I’ve lost someone. It’s difficult to reason with someone that has an issue like this, rational thinking or logic is just out the window. Vox_Populi

July 31, 2017 at 4:18 pm #161462
Erin
Participant
I have been rejected in this way (deliberately ignored and deliberately not told what the problem was) it was very difficult. I had wished she hadn’t done that to me. Or at least I had wished she had just told me what I was doing wrong, even if she said it on her way out the door… but I realize this requires superhero (therapist-level) communication skills & wisdom, and you can’t be expected to have those superhero abilities.

You have to put yourself first: you are entitled to choose to leave a friendship that is hurting you. Do not feel like you have to sacrifice yourself in order to tiptoe over others’ feelings.

If you want to leave – even if you feel like the only way you feel you can do it is by ignoring her – then do it. I say this, as someone who knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of this “ignoring” rejection. I am glad this girl did not try to stay friends with me and end up resenting me.

If you can only give your ex-friend one thing on the way out the door, try to give her a reminder that she’s worthy of love.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Erin.
August 2, 2017 at 6:51 am #161692

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

When she took the IV out of her arm and spelled out derogatory words with her own blood at the clinic/ hospital when angry at the ER doctor, it was not an honest, simple expression of her anger, it was a theatrical act meant to scare, disturb, and impress an audience (the ER doctor, nurses). Same with her texting you a picture of her swollen and scratched hand.

You wrote these disturbed you and so, she succeeded.

I am not clear if you are trying to end all contact with her, but if it is what you want to do, in my experience in trying to end contact with a histrionic person, this is what doesn’t work: appearing scared of them, appearing weak. What does work: appearing strong, telling her what it is that disturbs you and then telling her specifically, in no uncertain terms, what it is that you want/ expect from her.

anita
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