Dear anita,

happy new year!

Being mindful everyday is a good practise, but at the moment I still have a hard time with this. Maybe I try to distract myself so much, because my thoughts can become overwhelming. At the moment there is also little opportunity to have more positive distractions. I am glad I can go back to work on monday and go to therapy next week as well.

I want to work on my inner critic becoming more of a guiding, helpful one. I would like to self-reflect and admit when I have done something wrong, but not completely tear myself down.

Sometimes the feelings of guilt and shame can become very overwhelming. I am trying to do the right thing, but sometimes I feel like everything I do is wrong.

During the last days I have also reflected on my relationships with people. Most of the time when things went wrong it was because I was not able to say no. I said yes to things I did not want and wasn’t able to set boundaries. Then I was feeling more and more uncomfortable, until I couldn’t take it any longer and distanced myself from the persons.

When someone asks me for help or for anything I feel a strong urge to not disappoint them. And I think sometimes I become very confused, then I make the wrong decision.

On a positive note, I have become more aware of how I am feeling and hopefully I can break this circle. Because nothing good comes out of it and I only hurt people and myself. I have learned to take things more slowly and to pause before making a decision.

I hope to make better decisions in this new year!

Dear anita,

thank you!

Dear anita,

in the last time, I have been obsessing again about everything I am doing wrong. It needs to stop. I am not getting anything done and I am just feeling more and more anxious. Instead of this, I would like to change something and take action. Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being stuck and being a victim.

I finally want to leave my past mistakes behind me and forgive myself. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone in the past and I want to improve myself and work on myself. Become better.

So I am posting here, to motivate myself to do better tomorrow. My goals for tomorrow:

– Get up at 7

– Journal

– Exercise / Go for a walk

– Work on uni projects in the morning and afternoon (at least for a few minutes, to start)

Maybe posting it here helps to motivate me! Actually, I will say: I will do it! I will post an update tomorrow for accountability.

Oh, I also want to post some things I am grateful for today. I really want to become a more optimistic person, instead of sabotaging myself…

– Grateful for having a roof over my head

– Grateful for a healthy meal that I cooked for myself

– Grateful to get along well with my flatmate

– Grateful we finally had a little bit of snow during the last days

How are you doing, anita? Hope all is well at your end!

Dear anita,

Hopefully it will help. I already felt a little better after posting my goals.

Do you think my thread has been harmful to others in the past? I really want to improve myself.

Dear anita,

Thank you for clarifying. You are right that one should consider that it is a public forum! I will be mindful of that!

Thanks for the reminder!

I will soon go to sleep. Goodnight anita.

Dear anita,

so my plans for today went o.K. Only I still have to journal… The walk had calmed me a lot. But after a few hours, I am feeling anxious again. I am always ruminating and cannot stop.

For tomorrow, I am planning basically to do the same as today, but I will not have time for a walk.

Maybe tomorrow I will write a longer message!

Please take care!

Dear anita,

thank you for taking the time to read my thread. Maybe I should start a new one, for a new beginning.

Today I went to work, but I was feeling very tense and anxious. And I probably made some of the clients uncomfortable because of that and maybe wasn’t patient enough. I need to try harder next time. It will probably help me to think more positive thoughts so as to not stress myself.

But after some hours of work, I started to feel less stressed. When I came home, I talked on the phone with my grandmother and drew for some minutes. Now I am really tired, too tired to write much more…

For tomorrow, I want to go for a walk again and also work for some hours.

Goodnight, anita!

Dear anita,

I will still have to think of a name for the new thread.

The walk was nice, even if it was a gloomy day. Finally, I am starting to feel a little better! I should not forget how healing long walks in nature are for me.

During the walk, I thought about the future and I set a deadline for myself to finally finish my studies. This also made me feel more hopeful. After that maybe I could move away to a more rural area.

Later I managed to paint for a few hours! The idea with the accountability thread seems to work so far.

For tomorrow, I want to go for a walk again and paint and also clean the house. Maybe journal or read later.

Hope you have a good day!!