How to heal disaffectation?

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by Matt.

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July 4, 2014 at 2:10 am #60193

Geek
Participant

Hello!

After a breakup with a friend yesterday I had the feeling that similar events happened in the past.

They follow a common pattern:

1) I communicate with an important person (potential girlfriend or wife).
2) I try to be as ethical and understanding as possible.
3) Despite 2) at some crucial point I say something, which is a) is logical for me and b) beyond any comprehension for the other person.
4) We never talk with that person again.

At the time when I’m doing the crucial mistake, I’m sober, calm and able to make rational decisions. That is, I’m not doing the mistake because I can’t think or because I’m in rage or because I can’t control my emotions. When I do the mistake, I do the single most logical and most ethical thing I can think of in the current situation. When I calculate what that best possible thing may be, I take into account not only my interests, but interests of all parties involved.

This way of dealing with people (think about the interests of all involved parties and do the thing that benefits at least some of them and doesn’t harm anybody) doesn’t work with people, who are most important to me (the described approach works very well with less important people – clients and co-workers).

* * *

The cause of the breakup is my inability to understand other person’s emotions.

I figured out that this condition is called Alexithymia and disaffectation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disaffectation

From what I read on Wikipedia, I learned that there are 2 potential causes for that personality trait:

1) Malfunction of some part of the brain (signals carrying emotions don’t pass from one part of the brain to another)

2) At some point in time an individual experiences an overwhelming emotion and reacts with eliminating all emotions from his or her psyche (see Wikipedia: “individuals, unable to repress the ideas linked to emotional pain and equally unable to project these feelings delusively onto representations of other people, simply ejected them from consciousness by “pulverizing all trace of feeling, so that an experience which has caused emotional flooding is not recognized as such and therefore cannot be contemplated”, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disaffectation ).

I can’t do much about the wiring of my brain, so I started to think about the second potential cause (loss of emotionality as a result of traumatic experience).

* * *

There were some traumatic experience in my life, which can be divided in 2 groups:

1) Events, which I remember and which happened for sure
2) Events, which I don’t remember and which may or may not have happened

Since 1995 I’ve been working on processing the events from the first group using various psychological methods (hypnosis, EMDR, practicing forgiveness, Buddhist meditations etc). I think that whatever I could do to process those events, I did this already.

The second group is harder. There are some symptoms (mental separation between love and sex), which many people, who were abused report. The problem is – I don’t remember what happened with me before the age of 5. I have no evidence whatsoever that in my childhood (age 0-5) something bad happened to me.

There is also no one to ask about it – people, who may know it are either dead or I don’t talk with them any more.

If you know how to cure disaffectation (preferably with some data to support the effectiveness of the methods you propose) given the limitations (lack of knowledge whether or not I had traumatic experiences before the age of 5), please let me know.

Thanks in advance

Geek

July 4, 2014 at 3:59 am #60200

The Ruminant
Participant

Hello there, fellow geek!

I don’t have a direct solution to offer for disaffectation, though do be aware that you have now self-diagnosed yourself based on the knowledge that you have at the moment and even knowledge that you don’t have. So a lot of guesswork and assumptions are at play here. I’m not saying that you’re completely off track, but it’s good to just be aware of the possibility.

You can actually affect the wiring of your brain. Take a look at the work done by neuroscientist Rick Hanson. He has written extensively about changing the way you use your brain and moving towards more compassionate living and easier handling of emotions. Mindfulness meditation has been proven to thicken the parts of the brain responsible for handling emotion. It does not happen overnight and takes a lot of practice, but the brain does keep growing and adapting throughout our lives. But you need to use your brain in a specific way, just like you need to use a muscle to make it grow. Now you are naturally using your brain in a specific way, so some part are left unused. I’m paraphrasing, as I’m not a neuroscientist, but do look up Rick Hanson.

I would like to say though that it’s not just about your ability to be empathetic. Other people should show some understanding as well. If your intentions are good, then the lines of communication should be kept open. We all make mistakes in communicating with others. I’m not saying that people should try to force friendships or romantic partnerships, but there is no need to completely fall apart. So part of the responsibility does fall on your friend. It’s not just you.

July 4, 2014 at 4:12 am #60201
Inky
Participant
Hi There!

Be careful diagnosing yourself! You could very well has low level Asperger’s (based solely on the way you write like my nephew, who does have it), but in the end, any condition you may have is just a label.

You are more head based. Most people don’t think that much and are more emotion based. So I don’t know exactly how the last breakup went down, what they said, what you said. People don’t bond with you because you are logical. People bond with you because of how you make them feel.

There was something written about how a guy told his girlfriend, “I love you almost as much as I love the whole world!” and to him that was a declaration of deepest love.

She, however, was insulted! What she FELT was, “Great, he would put everyone else ahead of me!” when she should have HEARD “You are such a great soul, you are adored almost as much as 6 billion people put together.”

For you next relationships or friendships, maybe go to Mensa meetings, or some other place where there are other head based people who would “get” you! Meaning, who get logic!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
July 4, 2014 at 5:01 am #60204

Geek
Participant

Many thanks for your answers!

July 4, 2014 at 12:08 pm #60218

John
Participant

Hi Geek,

Can we get more details on what the ex-friend was so offended about?

Because, if it really is to do with you thinking calm, rationally, and being considerate of what others may want, then I don’t really see what the problem is, on YOUR end.

Can we get more info?

July 4, 2014 at 10:29 pm #60226

Matt
Participant

Geek,

In addition to the other kindly words, consider that sometimes we over emphasize the importance of thoughts, and rest in a sort of “mind maze” of “who am i”, “what am I”. So we scramble for definitions that fit, trying to figure out some kind of self definition, answer to “who”. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that this relationship you have to emotions is perhaps the same relationship you have to your body. When our attention is pulled up into our head, we become unbalanced, top heavy. Too much questing, seeking, considering, questioning… too many thoughts zipping around. This clouds our ability to attend our body, feel feelings. Said differently, you say you have a difficult time feeling emotions,but do you take the time to try? How much effort have you put into growing your self love? Is it something you just expect to have? How would it get there?

To grow a more tender relationship with your body, consider spending more time self nurturing. Specifically, consider starting a meditation practice. If we take the time to unwind, set down our thoughts, rest comfortably and peacefully in the present moment, it is much easier to get in touch with our feelings.

Of course, there is always the potential you have some atypical brain conditions. Sure. Perhaps pursue that beyond a wiki page, see a doctor. I’d hesitate before simply accepting that though… from your post, it could very well just be “racing mind”. Such as, so many clouds, thoughts, you can’t see the sky, feel the love. Perhaps try a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness that grows in our chest area, and is like an antidote for racing mind. Consider “Ajahn Brahm guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. If it doesn’t strike you, consider instead “Bhante Gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Bhante G has a gentle and profound way of reaching analytical minds. He just lays it out there for us, what a champ!

Geek, I hope you consider taking a stand against this pattern that troubles you, and do not just give up with a diagnosis, call your brain such and such a way. I’m not convinced of that yet, are you? Its not uncommon for too much head, not enough heart to result in the confusion you’re experiencing. Perhaps try setting down the afflictions, and try to grow a loving space. If you give it some elbow grease, anything could happen!

Namaste, friend, may your attentions flow downward.

With warmth,
Matt
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