Hello there, fellow geek!

I don’t have a direct solution to offer for disaffectation, though do be aware that you have now self-diagnosed yourself based on the knowledge that you have at the moment and even knowledge that you don’t have. So a lot of guesswork and assumptions are at play here. I’m not saying that you’re completely off track, but it’s good to just be aware of the possibility.

You can actually affect the wiring of your brain. Take a look at the work done by neuroscientist Rick Hanson. He has written extensively about changing the way you use your brain and moving towards more compassionate living and easier handling of emotions. Mindfulness meditation has been proven to thicken the parts of the brain responsible for handling emotion. It does not happen overnight and takes a lot of practice, but the brain does keep growing and adapting throughout our lives. But you need to use your brain in a specific way, just like you need to use a muscle to make it grow. Now you are naturally using your brain in a specific way, so some part are left unused. I’m paraphrasing, as I’m not a neuroscientist, but do look up Rick Hanson.

I would like to say though that it’s not just about your ability to be empathetic. Other people should show some understanding as well. If your intentions are good, then the lines of communication should be kept open. We all make mistakes in communicating with others. I’m not saying that people should try to force friendships or romantic partnerships, but there is no need to completely fall apart. So part of the responsibility does fall on your friend. It’s not just you.

Geek,

In addition to the other kindly words, consider that sometimes we over emphasize the importance of thoughts, and rest in a sort of “mind maze” of “who am i”, “what am I”. So we scramble for definitions that fit, trying to figure out some kind of self definition, answer to “who”. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that this relationship you have to emotions is perhaps the same relationship you have to your body. When our attention is pulled up into our head, we become unbalanced, top heavy. Too much questing, seeking, considering, questioning… too many thoughts zipping around. This clouds our ability to attend our body, feel feelings. Said differently, you say you have a difficult time feeling emotions,but do you take the time to try? How much effort have you put into growing your self love? Is it something you just expect to have? How would it get there?

To grow a more tender relationship with your body, consider spending more time self nurturing. Specifically, consider starting a meditation practice. If we take the time to unwind, set down our thoughts, rest comfortably and peacefully in the present moment, it is much easier to get in touch with our feelings.

Of course, there is always the potential you have some atypical brain conditions. Sure. Perhaps pursue that beyond a wiki page, see a doctor. I’d hesitate before simply accepting that though… from your post, it could very well just be “racing mind”. Such as, so many clouds, thoughts, you can’t see the sky, feel the love. Perhaps try a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness that grows in our chest area, and is like an antidote for racing mind. Consider “Ajahn Brahm guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. If it doesn’t strike you, consider instead “Bhante Gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Bhante G has a gentle and profound way of reaching analytical minds. He just lays it out there for us, what a champ!

Geek, I hope you consider taking a stand against this pattern that troubles you, and do not just give up with a diagnosis, call your brain such and such a way. I’m not convinced of that yet, are you? Its not uncommon for too much head, not enough heart to result in the confusion you’re experiencing. Perhaps try setting down the afflictions, and try to grow a loving space. If you give it some elbow grease, anything could happen!

Namaste, friend, may your attentions flow downward.

With warmth,
Matt