How to forgive myself for a childhood mistake?

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This topic has 20 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 23, 2018 at 8:41 am #194017

k.k.
Participant

I cannot seem to move forward with my life as of right now because of this event that occured almost 10 years ago. Recently it’s been haunting me because I believe my drinking habits have caused a “hangover anxiety” guilt and the such, as I say. Anyway let me explain, I was between the age of 9-12, roughly. I was watching my nephews at the time. During this point in my life I had been exploring my sexuality and masturbation. I began touching myself under the blanket and I just know my nephew had seen me, and I had noticed him watching but never stopped. He was of course, much younger than me not sure the age. I don’t know why but I can’t get this out of my head and I feel like a terrible person. I NEVER touched my nephew in a sexual manner and nor would I. I would risk my life for them if needed. I’m 18 now and still hate myself for it, and can’t move forward or forgive myself. I just feel disgusting.

February 23, 2018 at 9:15 am #194087

Mark
Participant

k.k.

I wonder if there was anything other sexual incidents that have occurred when you were growing up. How were your parents’ attitude about sex and sexuality?

I would find it hard to imagine just that one incident made such a profound and such long lasting negative effects.

Mark

February 23, 2018 at 1:18 pm #194117
k.k.
Participant
Mark

Well it’s hard for me to say, but I doubt anything happened. Or at least not that my subconscious would want to remember. Growing up, even as of now, sex isn’t really isn’t talked about. It’s kinda awkward to talk about it with your parents at a young age lol, but they wouldn’t be angry as long as I protected myself. Sexuality, they always told me to be myself, to sum it up at the most.

But yes, I agree, it’s recently just began to bother me and I keep telling myself I was just a child and never meant to harm my nephew. I DOUBT he even remembers so I don’t know. Personally, I’d (excuse the language) fuck up anyone who messes with him.

Thanks Mark.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by k.k..
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by k.k..
February 23, 2018 at 1:54 pm #194133

Mark
Participant

k.k.

Try writing a confession/apology letter to your nephew. Get it all out on paper. You may even want to pour out all your generalized sexual guilt, dirty thoughts and secrets and hangups in that too.

Then do some sort of ritualistic burning of the letter to let it go.

Mark

February 23, 2018 at 2:52 pm #194145

k.k.
Participant

Mark

good idea, in the meantime any tips for trying to move past this?

thanks.

February 23, 2018 at 3:36 pm #194155

Mark
Participant

k.k.

That is my tip of moving past this. Try that purging on paper approach.

Mark

February 23, 2018 at 5:18 pm #194169

Anonymous
Inactive

I don’t think you should beat yourself up over this. As you stated, you wouldn’t ever do anything to your nephew, and you wouldn’t let anyone else do anything to your nephew. When you start exploring sexuality, there’s lots of things you don’t know. Some of these things people don’t know is what is okay and what is not okay to do. You obviously know now not to do what you did when you were a kid. You’re not a danger to children in any way, you were just a dumb kid doing dumb things, like we all were at one point to some extent. It’s actually pretty common for people to feel heavy guilt in adulthood over childhood sexual exploration. People do dumb and inappropriate shit when they’re kids. As long as you know not to do the same dumb shit now, don’t feel like you have to live with the extreme guilt you feel over this. You are not a monster.

February 23, 2018 at 8:48 pm #194183

k.k.
Participant

NamesAreOverrated

thank you, that made me feel a bit better. still feel very bad about and i don’t know why. my anxiety overall has been acting up lately, hoping it passes soon.

February 23, 2018 at 9:13 pm #194193

VJ
Participant

Hi k.k.,

Mark has suggested a good technique for forgiveness.

Along with that I suggested you to practice Ho’oponopono to help restore harmony within yourself and with others.

i] www.upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness/

ii] www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/practice-hooponopono-four-simple-steps/

Best wishes,

VJ

February 23, 2018 at 9:14 pm #194195

VJ
Participant

Hi k.k.,

Mark has suggested a good technique for forgiveness.

Along with that I suggested you to practice Ho’oponopono to help restore harmony within yourself and with others.

i] www.upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness

ii] www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/practice-hooponopono-four-simple-steps

Best wishes,

VJ

February 23, 2018 at 9:15 pm #194197
VJ
Participant
Sorry post looks to be submitted twice.

Please go through both the articles entirely.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by VJ.
February 24, 2018 at 2:35 am #194207

k.k.
Participant

VJ

Sorry, confused about the steps. We just say that to ourselves?

February 24, 2018 at 4:32 am #194213

Eliana
Participant

Hi k.k.

I would not worry about it too much. He probably does not remember. You can’t change the past. But just live in the present, and the present are feelings of protection and love for him, and that is all that counts.

I have seen in families where older siblings, show their siblings who are about 7 years old porn magazines or vulgar pictures on the internet. In this day and age, kids are exposed to anything. Especially being on the internet. I would not worry too much about it.

February 24, 2018 at 4:57 am #194219

Anonymous
Guest

Dear k.k.:

You wrote: “I just feel disgusting… still feel very bad about and I don’t know why. my anxiety overall has been acting up lately, hoping it passes soon”-

I hope your anxiety does pass soon, that you feel better and the issue is resolved. If it doesn’t, you may want to consider this: you presented the situation as this event happened and as a result you felt that you are disgusting. Maybe you felt disgusting before that event, nothing to do with that event, and maybe you felt disgusting after the event, nothing to do with that event. But because the event had a sexual component, you focus on it.

If that is so (and lots of us do get stuck on sex when the problem is elsewhere, more elaborate than a single sexual event), there is something else for you to attend to, and when attended and resolved (may take lots of time and work), then you will feel better long term.

anita

February 24, 2018 at 5:10 am #194223

VJ
Participant

Hi k.k.

Hope you got a chance to take a look at both the links in its entirety.

As stated “it doesn’t really matter who you are asking or saying”.

It is up to you. If you have a God figure in your life then say it out to God. If you want to visualize your nephew in the screen of your mind then do it that way. It doesn’t really matter. Whatever you are comfortable with. Or if you want to simply say it to nobody just like you would say the alphabets A to Z then you can do that too but say it with those feelings. Your intention for repentance, forgiveness, gratitude and love is enough.

So simply chant as and when you want, wherever you want and as many times as you want.

Practice this for a while and let me know how/what you feel.

~VJ
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