So, I need to express myself in some way, or I feel I am gonna explode…I don’t know if anyone will read such a long post, though I am interested if anyone knows about a good book or free course regarding depression?

I have been having problems with anxiety and depression these last few years. There was a short period when I actually felt happy because I found some new friends and I had more free time to try out new things (photography workshops, volunteering at festivals). And that was actually when I was repeating a year at college. I was first ashamed of that, but it turned out to be fantastic. After that I wanted to go back to ‘normal’, to go to all my courses regularly and that didn’t work out in the end…The first part of the semester was great, and I was even talking to people more than before, but the second part was awful. I had a lot of assignments, I was at my lectures from morning until 5 pm or 8 pm, I had little free time and that rhythm just didn’t work out for me.

I never actually adapted to college life, learned how to be and adult or developed social skills. I used to feel fine before, at the end of high school and beginning of college. I had a few friends and we were hanging out at least twice a month (apart from seeing each other in school), I liked to study and achieve good results, I liked photography and walking in nature, watching anime and reading manga. Simple things really, I was overall happy and satisfied about my life. I mean, I always had problems with self confidence and communicating with other people, but I had my friends and my motivation regarding education.

However, when I started losing that…it affected my mental health pretty badly. First with anxiety and panic attacks and then depression these last two years. I went to psychologists that give advice to students (two of them), and to workshops regarding social anxiety, but I realized my problems were much deeper and that CBT therapy doesn’t help me. I tried to change things a bit, allow myself more free time, volunteer so I can try out new things and meet new people, try out some new hobbies…, but depression really destroyed my motivation completely. It appeared two years ago, and I really didn’t think it was possible to ever feel like that. Like I am in a black hole, every second of my day, for six months. I was drinking a certain type of tea to calm down my symptoms, and it did help with the ‘episodes’, but I needed therapy to heal me ( I still need it). I was still feeling a lot of  negative emotions every day and I didn’t know how to calm down.

My family didn’t help much…they don’t understand it. They are only focused on their obligations, and are often complaining about things or pessimistic which doesn’t help out. And we don’t have the money to pay for therapy. So, I could only talk about it to my best friend. Without her, I don’t know what I would do..she even found out about a psychologist in town who offers free consultation. I will go to her when she starts working again.

The current situation is that I am holed up at home. Ok, I need to be because of the pandemic, but I wasn’t going out even before that (just to my lectures). I only play Skyrim, watch tv shows and cook sometimes (I live with my family). I was going to college this last year just because…I wouldn’t give up completely, and to do something, instead of doing nothing. I don’t know how to be active again and positive about anything. I am afraid to do things, because nothing made me happy for a longer period of time (the things I have been trying out). I don’t know where to start to feel better, and I miss having someone to talk to about my problems. I can’t trouble my best friend all the time and she has already advised me many times..I don’t feel like going back to my lectures in two weeks. I am definitely not capable to give lessons in schools right now (which I am supposed to).