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How to drop things after a row?

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  • April 30, 2015 at 5:04 am #75978
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi marisa,

    Is he the father of your child? Is he living with you? Some might not think it matters, but it does!

    My number one advice for you is to have your own place/space. When you two are 24/7 we can say things we don’t mean. He is TOO comfortable with you, know what I mean? He doesn’t even know he’s doing it, and if he does it’s “no big deal”. And the reason why you can’t let it go is because you feel like he didn’t hear you the first time!!

    What if YOU said (as an experiment) out of the blue, “I can’t do this anymore”? He will be surprised, and rant and rave, but just say it. Then be silent. Leave that statement hanging. Don’t fight him about it, what you said, or the past. Just be silent, leave for a while, and let him sit with that anxiety.

    Then when you return he’ll want to fix it. Then you say, “Now you know how it feels. Don’t ever make blanket statements like that again or you’ll create your own words into reality.”

    Just see what happens.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
    April 30, 2015 at 6:20 am #75984
    Will
    Participant

    I’m a bit worried by the way he seems to treat your feelings. You’re under no obligation to put on a smiley face just because that’s what he wants, when things aren’t right between you.

    Have a look at these two different styles of treating feelings (your own and those of others):

    Emotion Dismissing

    Just ignore subtle or lower-intensity negative emotions.

    Negative emotions are toxic.

    Negative emotions are punished—even if there is no misbehavior.

    “You can have any emotion you want, and if you choose to have a negative one, it’s your own fault.”

    Introspection to understand what one feels is a waste of time, or possibly even dangerous.

    Feel bad about feeling bad.

    “Get over it.”

    “C’mon, give me a smile, honey!”

    Emotion Coaching

    Pay attention to lower-intensity emotions to prevent escalation.

    Negative emotions are natural and healthy.

    Negative emotions are discussed, given names, and empathized with.

    “Negative emotions happen sometimes because bad things happen sometimes.”

    Introspection to understand what one feels helps you have a sense optimism, control, and effective coping.

    Feel accepting of feeling bad.

    “Move through it.”

    “You cry all you need to, honey.”
    —————————————————-
    If he’s a bit too much like the first list and you’d like more of the second, think about how you could ask for that. You deserve consideration for your feelings. Feeling put out after a fight is completely normal, and I don’t think the current agreement of “Let’s just not talk when I’m upset” is going to be healthy in the long run.

    If you’re upset because of something he said, then he should know, and he should learn to deal with the feelings that produces in him, and learn that maybe he shouldn’t say that stuff.

    Just my opinion.

    My best wishes to you, I hope it works out.

    (The emotion stuff taken from this site: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2011/09/21/emotion-coaching/ NB: it’s a blog about sexuality. No explicit images or pornographic content.)

    April 30, 2015 at 4:04 pm #75996
    Marisa
    Participant

    Hi thanks so much for replying. Yes we live together and no he’s not my daughters father. I have said to him the same thing back a good few times but only when I feel really bad. And never did say it til yrs after putting up with it from him. I can remember a couple times he was fairly worried but not really more recently. It was my doing on nearly splitting 2 wks ago as couldn’t cope with it all. But there was certain things then I was holding on still and needed to let go in order for me to move on with him. Tho this is the last chance for either of us whether he means it or not cos I know I certainly can’t cope with much more hurt. I told him once I felt like suicide. He barely said a word. Says alot doesn’t it lol.

    I think that list you gave me is great. Yes I think he is too much like the first list. Thing is he tells me he’s never put up with it from anyone else before. And tbh from his 2 main past relationships I don’t doubt it as they sound like real bitches lol!!! People with not much feeling from what they did and said but thats just his side of story.
    I think I might just post the list only to him and say I found it on a website and see what he says. Thing is he may say ok, but it doesn’t really sink in. I gave him a website regarding anxieties once as he doesn’t really understand that, took it in at time of reading it but that was it.

    People tell me he does love me, but then I get people tell me that I also need to think of me and my daughter. Tho’ I hadn’t asked about letting go after a row to friends/family. Lol I hear stories of women leaving men in dog houses for days and not talking!!! I said to him would you rather me like that and not speak at all. Said he didn’t know.

    Will let you know how it goes when I show him list after I copied and pasted it. Cos I know he would go mad if he read all this. He can’t stand me talking to ppl about us, tho has accepted me talking to friends about us at times. Cos at end of day thats what friends are for.

    Thanks again for your advice and help.

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