Dear Saoirse,

you’ve suffered a lot as a child, exposed to a mentally ill mother. And you’re right, it can lead to a host of problems in adulthood, such as your anxiety. I understand that you would have liked if she had acknowledged the damage she’s done and apologized and made things right. But it seems she’s not willing or not capable of that.

My own mother isn’t mentally ill, but she too doesn’t want to admit that she did anything wrong while raising me. And boy she did – from persistent criticism of me to being chronically unhappy and bitter about life and blaming others for her problems. But she believes she was a good, sacrificial mother. I’ve tried to talk to her, but to no avail. She gets offended and blames me instead for being a horrible daughter. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions and take a look in the mirror. She’d rather blame others.

After a while, I’ve given up trying. I don’t expect her any more to admit anything. I’ve realized she’ll never change. I’ve recently read a funny metaphor: “You cannot milk orange juice from a cow.” So there is no point in hoping to get orange juice from her — she’s not capable of that.

I think the first healing you’d need to do is to stop expecting her to be different, stop expecting her to give you what she isn’t capable of. And then you can decide what you want to do – whether you want to cut contact completely, or maintain a very superficial contact, where you visit her once or twice per year, and that’s it.

I understand you feel horrible in her presence, and that she triggers you a lot. And that’s I think partly because you haven’t healed your childhood trauma completely.

I was also triggered by my mother a lot, we would get into arguments, but now I can be “cool” around her. I don’t get triggered so easily. But that makes our contact very superficial, of course. I guard myself and keep my boundaries. I live in a different country and visit my parents once a year or so. And I hardly talk to her on the phone in the meanwhile. So I maintain contact, but it’s very superficial, because I can’t be honest and vulnerable with her – she would use it against me.

But anyway, my point is that I’m not triggered any more by her, because I don’t expect anything from her. That would be my advise for you too – to work towards that. And then, from that point of relative freedom – you can decide what you want to do in terms of allowing her to meet your daughter and under what conditions.

Of course, if she is verbally abusive or unsafe in any way towards you or your daughter, you shouldn’t keep contact. But if she can behave normally, then perhaps you can think about it. And of course, never leave your daughter alone with her, but only allow them to meet under your supervision. I’d keep those precautions in any case.

Dear Saoirse,

you are very welcome. As Roberta Said, you’re not obliged to anyone to keep in touch with your mother, and I think there is no point in meeting if you have such a strong reaction to her. Perhaps the best course of action is to take a time out – a pause in contact – until you’ve processed some of the childhood hurt and anger that you feel towards her. Your hurt and anger are totally justified, but if you leave them unhealed, they will be a burden for you and continue to contribute to your stress and anxiety.

As a mother myself I cannot in a billion years fathom how a woman could cause their own child to suffer

There is a saying “hurt people hurt people”. That’s how I came to understand my mother’s behavior. My mother was emotionally abused by her own mother, and she simply didn’t have it in her to give me love and affection. She was love-deprived herself. She couldn’t give me what she herself didn’t possess. That’s how I got to understand her and forgive her. But it doesn’t mean I’ll let her insult me and emotionally abuse me any more. I am keeping firm boundaries.

Anyway, maybe understanding that your mother was a hurt and deprived child herself can help you come to terms with her mistreatment? Furthermore, her mental illness incapacitated her to be a loving, caring mother. She probably didn’t even understand how she hurt you and your brother – even in her “sane” periods, when she was back from hospital.

Recently I feel like I am almost mourning the nurturing mother I never had, and so resentful of the one I do have.

It’s good you’re mourning the nurturing mother you never had. However, you can now make up for what you haven’t received as a child. You can give your inner child the love and care she never received from her mother. That’s called re-parenting.

I think the reason you’re so resentful is partly because you believe that you’re irreversibly damaged by the lack of your mother’s nurturance. But in reality, you are not. Your inner child can be reparented and this can change your emotional setup, so to speak. Those unmet emotional needs can be met now (you can do it either on your own or with the help of a therapist.)

I do agree that perhaps I need to learn how to deal with the way I react, rather than expect her to suddenly have a lightbulb moment (or to get OJ from a cow!) as this is realistically never going to happen.

Yes, it’s most likely not going to happen, unfortunately. But if you learn how to re-parent yourself, you won’t need her to have a lightbulb moment and finally become a mother you were always longing for. Your happiness and peace of mind won’t depend on her. And so, you’ll be less reactive to her, less triggered and less resentful.

But circumstances are different now and I guess there’s no harm writing another one. It’s just hard to know what I should suggest – that we don’t see each other at all? That we only see each other when I feel strong enough? I don’t really know where to draw the line.

How about if you give yourself some time to process and heal, which will enable you  to see and feel the situation with greater clarity? Right now, you know you don’t want to continue like before, forcing yourself to go visit and feeling horrible anxiety. But you’re also not sure you want to cut contact completely. So maybe give yourself time to figure out what you really want.

You can write a letter telling her that you are working on your mental and emotional health and you need some time to work things through before you can proceed meeting with her. Or alternatively, you can tell her that as a part of your new self-care routine, you can only meet her in a park for the time being. In the letter, try not accusing her but state your own needs and preferences (and present requirements) calmly.

How does this sound?

P.S. I’ve just read Roberta’s latest post – that’s excellent wording for your potential letter!

Dear Saoirse,

you are very welcome! I wish you the best possible resolution of this dilemma. Let us know how it went, or if you need some more help.