How to deal with my worry about my father

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This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 8, 2015 at 4:12 am #77843
Cecia
Participant
Hi dear Forum community,

My father is 76 and has always been very healthy and active, but for a few months now he has had some serious back pain and the diagnosis spinal stenosis along with a few other degenerative conditions of the spine. He already had surgery scheduled but cancelled as the surgeon didn’t even have a real pre-op discussion with him and we found out via the anesthesiologist that it would be quite a big surgery after all (fusion). So we’re trying to get a second opinion by a neurosurgeon.

My dad is dealing really well. He only takes two painkillers over the course of 24hours (no opiates) and is doing a lot of stuff in his office that he didn’t have time before – as he feels best while sitting down of course. He is a very optimistic and positive person and always looks at things from best possible side, so he really is not struggling right now.
But I am! Ever since the surgery was cancelled and I started reading up on the subject and seeing his MRI report etc, I am so worried that he will indeed need big spine surgery and that it might not work out right and that he will always have problems, have chronic pain, not be able to walk again etc pp.

My mind is doing the classic thing…I try to control it and recognize the worries my mind creates and see it for what it is: worries but not the future or truth…but it still bothers me. And I am so scared of the weeks to come. The waiting until he has his new appointments…finally the waiting during surgery.
I was so looking forward to this summer, but now this is like a shadow hanging over me.

Maybe some background: I am 36, not married, no kids (conscious decision, I am just doing fine by myself, high standards for relationships..) and I know that I am very attached to my parents. My dad is a big support in my life, with his balanced and positive personality. I really need someone like him sometimes to “sort me out”.
I am generally a life-affirming person, but do have a history with mild depression and am a very emotional and sensitive person.
I try to follow a routine with mindfulness meditation as often as I can and I know it does help me.
But for now, I just feel very sad and scared – with worry and also with a big fear of loss – knowing that I will sooner or later face my parents not being they way they were again.

Sorry for rambling. Just needed to get this off my chest. If anyone has any advice of how to diffuse this tension or how to deal with such worry..much appreciated.

Thanks!
- This topic was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by Cecia.
June 8, 2015 at 5:06 am #77846
Inky
Participant
Hi Cecia,

My MIL had spinal stenosis for years. She was at such an advanced age that surgery wasn’t really an option. The worst thing that will happen is he will use a wheel chair and a walker/cane. But, as he’s primarily sitting most of the time, that’s not much of a change! MIL could still get up and walk even transitioning in the bathroom, into another chair or into the car. We did hire someone to help her, but you might have to do that anyway for an older parent. That’s what his life might look like if you don’t do the surgery. P.S. She LOVED swimming, as it was such a relief to float around in the water!

And pray for a successful surgery if he decides to have it, and POST surgery! That’s all you can do, pray for all the cards/planets to “align” for a successful, smooth surgery.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
June 8, 2015 at 1:11 pm #77895

Bethany Rosselit
Participant

Hi Cecia,

You are correct–your worry is related to attachment. And attachments happen when we are seeking for another person to fulfill a need that we have. It goes beyond simply caring for somebody else.

Look at your opinion of yourself. What is it that you are seeking from your father? How does he “complete” you or provide something that you can’t provide for yourself?

After you do some soul-searching like this, you will find that you still care, but that you will worry less. Because you will be able to meet your own needs.

Bethany
http://onlinetherpyandcoaching.org

June 10, 2015 at 7:13 am #77988

Cecia
Participant

Thanks Inky and Bethany, for your replies.

@Inky: I am not religious, so I don’t pray, but thank you for sharing your experience. He will definitely have surgery, the question is just what kind of surgery. I hope it will the smaller one and a fusion won’t be necessary.

@Bethany: I am attached to my father because he really is an awesome person 😉 Kind and caring, intelligent and creative with a great sense of humor. But most of all, I really need his positive way of looking at things. He is my rock in a way.
(Contrary to popular believe, the guys I have been with or I fall for are not like my father at all, by the way.)
I have a big circle of friends and a few really close female friends who I can share a lot of problems with and who I really trust – but
some things, I’d rather not tell them. There are of course also things I’d rather tell my friends and not my parents/father.
But as far as talking about my moods or my emotional stabiliy or instability, I ‘d rather keep this in my family.
So he gives me some perspective when I get too dramatic, some lightheartedness when I get too heavy, some optimism when I need it etc.
I don’t know anyone else who can talk so much sense in such a positive way.
And I don’t know how I can do this for myself.

I also don’t know if it would help if I had a relationship. My experience with guys isn’t the best. Nothing horrible or abusive, but
I tend to fall for the guys that aren’t exactly keepers, or I am not just interested enough in a relationship myself.

Long story short: I know I am (overtly?) attached to my parents. Then again, I got lucky. They are two good people and I really want them to be well and enjoy the time while I still have them.

June 10, 2015 at 7:44 am #77990

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cecia:
I am happy for you for having two good people as parents. I agree- you did get lucky this way. You describe your father as kind and caring- and I understand he is and was consistently kind and caring- oh, how I wished I had that. No wonder you feel so scared for his well being. It is so very scary to face the loss or future loss of someone kind and caring, someone who mean so much to you still.

Unfortunately your fears are not about delusions: illness and death are real, pain is real. It scares me a lot. It scares me too. The few people I care about- those things scare the hell out of me… Did you talk to your father about this fear? Hold his hand and tell him how you fear for him… you may find comfort in connecting with him about this fear.

I read somewhere: “Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.” Some fears cannot be connected to distorted thinking as in fear of spiders or open spaces… disease, pain, death are real.

Hope you find comfort still in your father…
anita

June 10, 2015 at 10:37 am #78000

Bethany Rosselit
Participant

Cecia,

Your response made me smile. 🙂 You are lucky to have such a caring parent.

What are you doing to take care of yourself when you feel anxious? Make sure you have a way to calm your body and mind, such a breathing exercise, meditation, yoga nidra, prayer, etc.

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

June 13, 2015 at 2:15 am #78155

Cecia
Participant

Anita, thanks for your kind words.

Did you talk to your father about this fear? Hold his hand and tell him how you fear for him… you may find comfort in connecting with him about this fear.

This is actually exactly what I did recently when I went to visit them. I sat there and started crying and held his hand and he told me it is ok (the fact that he has to comfort me now when he is the one with the surgery etc) and that he will be ok.
He told me that I can see how well he is dealing with the situation and that I should take comfort from this and that he feels spoiled to have been so healthy for so long and accepts that this is a first “little niggle” at the age of 76.

Bethany,
haha thanks, I hope I can still keep my humor 🙂

And yes, I know I am lucky to have such caring and “cool” parents who just “get” me.
But naturally, the fear of loss is very big that way.
I do practive mindfulness meditation, have done for some time now – as I am prone to mild depression and I was looking for a way to stabilize myself. It does help and it also helps me to recognize the patterns of the mind such as thinking ahead and dramatizing etc.
But still, the sadness is obviously there right now. I think this situation and the thoughts and fears that come along with it have just made me very emotional and also very nostalgic right now. I miss the feeling of “everything is ok” and of a carefree young life.
I know it is natural and normal for life to not always be sunshine and roses and I try to work ony my acceptance towards feelings I don’t like.
So long story short: yes, I try to take extra care of myself now and medidate. I also execercise and do yoga, which I think also helps my mental health.

It is just difficult for me now because I felt very stable and at ease at the beginning of the year. I had an unhappy episode with one of those useless guys I fall for 😉 and was surprised how fast and well I got over it and felt very strong and good after this.
But now there is this worry and I do notice how it affects me and whenever I feel sad or teary or anxious it reminds me of phases when I was depressed so it is hard for me to accept that as something “normal”.

June 13, 2015 at 8:12 am #78162

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cecia:
I think it is a good thing you held his hand and that he comforted you. I like very much what he told you- and I hope he felt good about being able to comfort you even when he is sick. Our mental health is more challenged at times of distress like what you are currently going through. I was wondering about your tendency for mild depression in “normal” times: I wonder what this is about… I don’t know if this is time to think about it, don’t know. Maybe later…?

Keep taking care of yourself.
anita

June 15, 2015 at 6:33 am #78246

Cecia
Participant

Dear Anita,
Yes, I am sure he felt good that he was able to comfort me and that we addressed this openly.
I also told him that I really admire his positive way of dealing with things and that I think his personality will also help him in the process (surgery, recovery etc).

Re my tendency for depression: the times it flared up where mostly in times of distress. First time during a big life decision regarding a relationship and relocation etc, then when I wasn’t happy with my job and overall living situation etc.
Sometimes I do have minor slips of moods for a while and try to just accept it but afterwards I can often tell that there was also a reason for it in my life circumstances.
But generally, why I am prone to this is because I have very high expectations for myself, my life and also others. And low frustration level. I am getting better and mindfulness and a mindfulness therapist (who I also talk to during the sessions) do help a lot.
I really understand myself a lot better now. I don’t think I am “weak” or “damaged” anymore because I have had episodes of depression.

So yes, I guess it stems from my personality but it is definitely controllable and I do find out I am getting better about it and don’t freak out when I have some bad days (in the past I would have thought: oh no, it is starting all over again, I will never be ok.).

Right now, I don’t feel really depressed as in “i don’t know what would help me now”, I feel more worried and sad as in “Everything would be ok if I just knew my dad will be ok / if my dad didn’t have this problem now”.

Thanks for reading all of this…

June 15, 2015 at 10:16 am #78261

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cecia:
It reads like you had good therapy, that you no longer catastrophize and no longer add misery by judging yourself negatively for feeling depressed when you do. It is most difficult to apply what we learn in times of great challenge. To think of potentially very challenging situations in my life- it scares me to even think about it. And I don’t know if and how well I will use what I learned during such time. So, I wonder if it is at all possible for you to further apply what you learned in this very challenging situaion you are facing. It is a tough one. And you have already been applying what you learned… perhaps it is about keeping the efforts, trying better (not necessarily harder) so that you come out of it all stronger…It is one of those things with no guarnatees, something that requires courage and even faith… faith in the process. And it requires a lot of humility- on my part- when I write this here because I don’t know how I would do…

Please post again…
anita

June 21, 2015 at 9:05 am #78565

Cecia
Participant

Dear Anita,
I agree, it is definitely difficult to apply what we learn in times of challenge. But I try to tell myself I AM already applying it just by recognizing my patterns and by thinking about applying it etc – if that makese sense.
I try to do a sitting meditation every evening, but I have been on business trips etc and have just been so busy that I do find excuses to not do it all the time…

In the meantime, my dad had finally an apointment to talk with the surgeon who was supposed to do the sugery that he cancelled because no one told him what exactly they wanted to do and why. A surgery is unavoidable at this point and the surgeon was encouraging, telling him it is one of his most common procedures and he will get life quality back.
He still has an apointment for a second opinion, but I think there won’t be a much different outcome.
For some strange reason, I am feeling better now. Although I had hope that they would say he only needs a tiny surgery and no fusion, I still feel not as anxious anymore. And feel somehwat optimistic that he will be so much better after surgery.

I don’t know how the change iny my feeling towards all of this came..but I’ ll take it.
My dad is still calm and positive as always.
I also tell myself that – while this is nothing that we should be happy about – this is not a total crisis situation. There are so many more medical problems affecting people and it isn’t anything out of the “ordinary”.

That’s a bit of rambling from me 😉

June 21, 2015 at 9:31 am #78566

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Cecia:
From your writing it reads like your father is reasonable, scientific in his thinking, in his decision not to have surgery until he knows exactly what is going to be done and seeking a second opinion. Reads like he is good at taking care of himself, viewing the situation, taking the best course of action in what is possible and available. Maybe that is one reason why you feel better? I don’t know. Good to read you are feeling better. Maybe you got used to the situation, got a bigger perspective and therefore seeing it as less threatening.

Take care and best wishes to you and your dad:
anita
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