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How to deal with husband's resentment?

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  • January 10, 2016 at 5:57 am #91954
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Please could someone offer me some advice on how I deal with my husband’s resentment outburst whilst he is going through counselling?
    Our marriage has been broke for the last 3 years due to my husbands resentment to me and he has broke the marriage by abusing alcohol and being very hurtful to me as he cannot control his frustrations in his life.
    The resentment started as I quit my job a while back and he blames me for putting him under financial strain.
    He resents that I don’t work (as I am finding it hard to find work at the moment and to cope because of the breakdown of my marriage over the last few years) and he had to work in a job he hated.
    He no longer works there and is in a happier work environment but overtime I am not working he cannot handle it!
    He has started to go counselling and I was worried on how he would deal with his emotion and didn’t want to be in his firing line and as suspected I am.
    He told me prior to going counselling he wanted to tell me everything about his session to when he came home he wants to keep it private.
    I felt hurt by that and I know it is his personal journey but if he wants to be more communicative to me, this is not helping?
    Well we argued yesterday over something little that could of been avoided and to avoid a full on row I went to bed.
    Well this morning I woke up to a whole lot of resentment, because I was still angry from last night row and didn’t want to hear his insincere apology he went off!
    Apparently his resentment comes from him having to do everything and I don’t contribute to the marriage by cleaning and I sit around all week why he works and then comes home and he has to do the housework and laundry and I do nothing but just sit around and do nothing why he earns the money!!! All this shouted at me through the door and I just said yep – everything is my fault! And then chose not to respond to anything else – not sure how to deal with this as once again I am to blame for his resentful life!

    My healing therapist told me it’s early days so try 2 b patient…his behaviour ovr the next few weeks will tell u if the counsellng is going 2 prompt an improvmnt in ur relationship and that I may see an increase in his resentmnt after counselling and its not easy 2 ignore, and hopefully he takes control of his anger. Othrwse u’ll b the scapegoat evrytime it ovrwhelms him.

    Not sure how to deal with it as not going to be his target and be abused and blamed why he is going through this process and feel like telling him to get out of my life for good as sick of his pathetic blame act and acting like the hard working good saint of a husband that because he works I should be worshipping the ground he walks on.

    I’m sorry that I only act the doting wife when I feel like I have been treated like I am valued and loved not because he works and it gives him the right to do nothing else and contribute in his marriage

    I am trying to be patient with him whilst he unleashes all this buried resentment but hard to sit there whilst I feel blamed and attacked and wait for him to take responsibility of his life rather than blame me and not look at himself!

    January 10, 2016 at 9:22 am #91963
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi H1978,

    There are several things going on here at once so I will try to break them down (meanwhile knowing that everything compounds each other).

    1. The Household Maintenance: I know it’s not fair, but give the ALLUSION (illusion?) that things are running smoothly at home. It will put somewhat of a balm on his bad mood (again: I know it’s not fair, but let’s do something that works.) Go to Flylady.net, it is a wonderful household running resource!

    AM: Get fully dressed before he does, shine sink in bathroom, make bed, put in load of laundry (the sound of the machine will calm him down), give him a cup of coffee, put the pots and pans and clean dishes away from dishwasher

    Before he comes home: Do load of laundry (dry, fold and put away), declutter for 15 min. a day (work on one “Zone” a week). Have a Good Smell coming from kitchen when he gets home (Trust me).

    Bedtime: Do dishes and lay out clothes/things to prepare for the next day

    Weekly: Change sheets, vacuum, etc. If you can swing it hire a cleaner occasionally.

    2. Tutor kids for after school. It won’t bring in a lot, but will cover grocery/clothes $$. And it’s hard for him to be mad when there is company (leaving) when he comes home and you’re clearly doing something. A Coach for getting into college is hot right now (Essay editing, SAT tutor, etc.)

    3. His outbursts are becoming a bad habit. Let him know that this is happening without blaming him. Tell this to the therapist.

    I have done #1 and it DID make a difference! Now my DH knows when he is drifting into being an azz (#3) as he has nothing/”nothing” to complain about.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    January 10, 2016 at 10:54 am #91981
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H1978:

    I believe his abusive behavior, yelling at you and blaming you, is not acceptable, has no right to exist and is wrong. There is no excuse or justification for it. It doesn’t matter how he feels, how frustrated he feels and it doesn’t matter if you do not clean the home and if you do sit down doing nothing all day (if so, maybe you need down time just recovering from his abuse and resting before his next attack on you). He doesn’t have the right.

    His therapy: his therapist should have the two of you in the office and teach him, in your presence, to communicate with you without abusing you, to keep his voice down, to take responsibility for his feelings and not blame you. He needs to practice this in the therapist’s office. This is important for him to learn and practice in the therapist’s office so he can do that all the time with you, at home and anywhere else. You both should be respectful toward each other, non abusive. After this behavior is established, when there is respect, then the therapist should work on anything else and it can be done one-on-one with him.

    Please post again:
    anita

    January 10, 2016 at 1:56 pm #91997
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Inky,
    Thank for your advice but I am not unorganised or the household I just am a sort of person that if my husband is not fulfilling my needs I refuse to be a doting housewife, end of!
    Why should I be a devoted housewife if he can’t be the devoted husband I want? If I feel appreciated and loved I have no problem in playing my part

    January 10, 2016 at 1:59 pm #92000
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Anita,
    I couldn’t of said it better and totally agree!
    The last few years have taken its toll on me and some days I have felt so low and haven’t got the energy to do anything due to feel so deflated and upset! And as mentioned before if I feel loved and appreciated I have no problem in being the devoted wife, but refuse to when I feel like I don’t exist

    January 10, 2016 at 7:52 pm #92054
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H1978:

    Can you arrange to go with him to therapy so that he can learn how to communicate with you respectfully? I don’t know if the therapist is inclined that way, to focus on the troubled relationship (as my therapist did)…?

    I am so sorry for your situation. I understand the low energy and distress in being treated that way.

    Are you thinking of exiting this… turmoil? Separating… I can’t imagine you didn’t consider it… ?

    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 2:35 am #92095
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    I think he needs to get through his issue first and realise it is him and not me, unless he realise this then there is no point.
    I have thought of leaving and ending the marriage as it has been going on for a few years now and I feel that he will never change and it is time to accept that we are at stalemate and leave as as per my other posts, he thinks it is acceptable to go out once in every often drinking till 3am in the morning and I will never accept that as that is not what I want in my life long partner and the father of my children, so if he is not willing to let this issue go then I will end the marriage as I will not accept that in my life

    January 11, 2016 at 9:33 am #92108
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H1978:

    I can see the reasoning in exiting the marriage. It is not fair to you and it is not fair for your children to have a mother who is understandably exhausted, depleted and upset continuously by circumstances that are exhausting, depleting and so very upsetting.

    Of course, it is your choice when and if to do what is needed to end this unacceptable situation. There are considerations, I am sure, that I know nothing about. What I do know for sure, and you know, that it is wrong for him to treat you the way he does and that his abusive behavior promotes nothing but sickness in you, in the home… and of course, it doesn’t help him (beyond the temporary relief he is getting out of it!)

    Please do post anytime, and we can continue to talk, if you’d like. Please do take care of yourself the best you can!

    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 10:24 am #92114
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,
    Fortunately there is no children in the equation and yes it has been very exhausting and heartbreaking, words cannot describe.
    All I know is that I want to be happy and I am not at them moment or have been for a few years as I am constantly being punished for his issues and can no longer take anymore, even though I love him and feel for his pain.
    I allowed him to drag me down and have built myself up and promised I would never let him do that to me again.
    It breaks my heart to see how much he is hurting and the resentment and anger will eat him up if he doesn’t fix it quick and it will lose him his married and life that he has known for 20 years!

    January 11, 2016 at 10:37 am #92118
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    Can you leave while he gets help for the drinking? It may seem like a tall order (for him!) but sometimes we need “little hurts” (or a big one!) to nudge us in the direction we should go.

    Regarding the housework and the job… If you leave you would have to maintain a house/apartment and work anyway… I would get my ducks in a row (employment and my own bank account) so I can leave. I would also liquidate all my stuff that I don’t need (so you aren’t saddled with things, you can pack lightly and go). He WILL see what you’re doing and get nervous. As he should be.

    It will get worse before it gets better. But once you’re through the porthole so to speak, it will be a huge relief!

    My whole “Keep the house in order” advice is so he will more clearly see in stark relief that YOU are fine. That HE is the common denominator for all the problems.

    Good Luck!

    January 11, 2016 at 10:57 am #92120
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H1978:

    I am glad no children are involved!!!

    I can relate to your concern about his pain, his hurt… how he is suffering. I was like that too, for way, way too long. I was focused on someone else (my mother), her pain, her hurt…

    Looking back at it from where I am now (away from that relationship), I realize two… strange things:

    It was as if I didn’t exist; all there was – was HER pain. That is all that mattered.

    And then, an even stranger thing: I realized that all along, it was not possible for me to feel her pain because it was not her brain in between my ears: all along it was me who was feeling pain. I am sure she felt pain, but the pain I felt was my own.

    What I did, over time, starting with therapy… and it took me a long time, was to take sides: there was her side and there was my side. Eventually I took my side. She was hurting. I was hurting. Now whose side am I taking? To stay with her, it would me keep suffering AND she would keep suffering. To get away meant I would slowly stop suffering and… she would keep suffering.

    I realized all that time I tried to ease her suffering- I failed. And kept myself suffering.

    I chose me.

    Can you relate to what I am saying…?

    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 11:10 am #92121
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita, I can so relate!

    I am sitting here crying now as I am sick of his blame for his resentment to me – telling me he needs to tell me why he is angry with me! But when I went through the anger and resentment on what he put on me I didn’t inflict any punishment on him.
    All he cares about is himself and his is going through and I am sick of it!
    If I had a place to go now, I would leave, but I have no where to go, no family as I chose to not have them in my life no more due to their negativity and no close freinds!
    I am trying to patient through his process but I refuse to be the target of his anger and not sure how much I can out up with it.
    I thinking to separate why he goes through this process but don’t want to create anymore resentment but I can;t deal with his anger no more as I am ready to blow and tell him it is over for good

    January 11, 2016 at 11:40 am #92124
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear H1978:

    After I shared with you the last post I wrote.. I felt quite emotional, the old distress, I felt some of it. It was so very difficult for me to re-live even just a bit of it and it WAS extremely difficult for me to leave my mother and have no contact with her anymore. I was so trapped in focusing on her pain… so committed to fixing it when I was powerless to do so…

    What my experience is telling me, the fact that you relate to it, what I understand is how difficult it is, can be, to extricate yourself from an abusive situation. Your last post, right above, it has all the right thinking… but I know it is emotionally difficult.

    I also know it is possible. If only you had the support that you needed, like you wrote, you could do it… Of course, I am not surprised you do not have the support of your family (If you had a loving family/ parents to start with… you wouldn’t stay in an abusive situation this long!)

    I am so sorry you are in this situation. I know it only too well.

    I hope that here, on tiny buddha, I can be of some support to you. It is not all the support that you need, far from it. Face to face, safe place you could go to… that would be just right.

    I am here on this forum for you, on your side. Anytime you want to write, please do and I will respond. Again and again, for as long as you need me here. If you do.

    Humbly here for you!
    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 12:17 pm #92125
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hey, I am worried about you, being emotional in your last post. I wish I was there to help calm you. It is important to calm down strong emotions before deciding on action. A hot bath, maybe? Some activity to calm yourself that is not self destructive… exercise, stretching or the easiest for me… a hot bath. Your best chances for sensible action is when you are calm enough, not perfectly calm, just not crazy-distressed.

    Take ten hot baths if need be.

    And I do think you need to get out of this abusive situation as soon as possible. Even going to a shelter for battered women (I was once in such and it was … delightful, I mean it) may be a good idea.

    If there is such a place… where you can be in a safe place and get the in-person help you need….

    If you call and just go there with one change of clothing… or otherwise get calm…

    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 12:39 pm #92126
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,
    Thank you so much for your support.
    He has just told me he will never make me happy and lets agree to end the marriage.
    I have fought for this marriage for 3 years and no longer going to fight no more and I give up, finally!
    I am going leave and visit family in USA for a while and I have told him to start the process to sale the house as I am so over trying to believe in him!
    I don’t want to leave my dog, but I have to get out of here asap, all i know is that i want to get as far away form him as possible as I can’t be here no more.
    I know i am running away but I need space so I can pull myself together and walk for good as I just want to be happy and he is too selfish and a coward to fix himself, rather than blame me

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