Dear Anita,

Am really sorry if i caused any trouble or inconvenience, I have to tell you that I saw your first post more than six hours ago, and I just decided that I will not reply, so thanks to god you deleted it and re-posted!

It is my dear, it is, the realm of insanity, that’s how everybody is calling it, that’s what everybody looks to me is saying, a wise man once said, people would love you and hate the truth about you, this my truth and I chose to live with it truly, madly and deeply.

Am not criticizing you here, you are the only person who could stand my thoughts for that long, that much of insane thoughts of mine.

Thank you for that great immersible help that you gave me the past days, you do not know how much i appreciate it, I hope that I had been the same to you, I will not cause you any more inconvenience, but i have this last wish, to keep these posts of mine and yours as is, may be someday someone will read it and get benefit out of it.

Bye,
Ziad,

Hi Anita,

I have been thinking about your post the last 2 days, i have just seen this quote by Voltaire “Doubt is uncomfortable, certainty is ridiculous.”, having faith in something is a great gift, having blind faith is a curse.

what would differentiate a good doubt and a bad doubt, simply the cause of doubt, i can tell you about good doubt that saved me, I was certain that am not worth of living, I was certain that I was destined to live in agony, hate and pain, I nearly Killed my self, suicidal thoughts were easy to overcome, believe me I had them for years, but when your subconscious is asking for it, it just another level, dreaming of killing yourself, and the action is repetitively incarnated before you, and you see yourself, grabbing that army Swiss knife on the cabinet beside your bed, you see your self opening it, holding it with both hands, and stabbing your self in the heart, and you can not even open your eyes fearing that you will do it, seemed too certain, seemed like inevitable.

I had only to choices then, either to just keep sleeping, and keep dreaming about it, or you wake up and just follow that dream literally, but at one point you just have this doubt in your mind that keeps fighting this dream, the doubt that one day you will stand before god, in between his hands, and you do not have any thing to defend your self, your actions, the worst action a man can do, killing him self! that doubt made me able to open my eyes again, to look at army Swiss knife, and just telling that knife fuck you, I will live another day, even if it is the last day in my life, I will live it!

So back to the laws of physics, people used to think that they are living in a two dimensional world, a flat earth, till some one taught them how to fly, yes people can fly :), they came up with the three dimensional world, and then came someone who taught them about time, another variable added, its a four dimensional world, and then came one and taught them about gravity, it is a five dimensional world, then we flied to space, it is a six dimensional world, the we were introduced to black holes, were time stops, it is a seven dimensional world, now they say it is a nine dimensional world, i cannot even keep up with it, but when are doubts driven with good causes, I believe in them!

Reasonable, what is being reasonable, word origin is derived from Latin ratio, meaning reckon, meaning establish by calculation, I will not ask you about the or compare the facts of our lives that we can establish by calculation to the ones we cannot, faith can not be established by calculation, doubt cannot be established by calculation, blind faith can be calculated, bad doubt can be calculated.

Is it exhilarating, yes it is, is it intoxication, no it is not, do you think i do not doubt myself every day, before attempting any action, in every single moment in my day, yes I do, but i ask myself, are you willing to do for a good cause, and when my answer is yes, this is only when I do it, this is only when i get the power to do it, and the out comes always amazes me, the reaction of people never discouraged me, even when the were negative, they made me ask more, doubt my self, and then I ask my self the same question, was it for good cause, and when the answer is yes, it makes me think, look for answers, and i find them before me, like presented to me by this great force, and I learn more!

Do you want to know what is intoxicating, is digging a whole and bury all that in it, when you can no more speak your mind, when others abuse you just because they do not agree with them, when you can not stand enough for your self, and i choose that I will not be that man again, that man who sleeps in his bed just because he feels he is different, that man who accepts that other can easily judge him, and he easily accepts their judgement with out thinking, that man who nearly killed him self!

Do you know why I want to see a psychiatrist now, when even i feel so great, so powerful, because, it is better to seek help when you do not see any wrong with your self, than to seek help when you feel all the wrong things about your self, because then you will not be able to receive any help, even when others desperately try to help you, and it may be worse, that when you desperately need help, you do not find it, I simply want help not to get manic, not to get dressed, and not to be both, I seek help to be able to stay as is, to be able to stay as able!

last but not least, a wise man once said, there is a fine line between genius and insanity, and i can add on that, in order to keep your sanity, you have to embrace your insanity!

Have a nice day,
Ziad,

Hi Anita,

Wow, i just have to express my Wow, how is it through a civilized discussion, we can understand each other, we can both just calmly woke towards each other, and finally stand on a common ground, where we see, feel, hear, and understand each other more clearly. You saying above that you were insane, and that you path to healing is through sanity, but how could you, if you did not realize you are insane, you embrace you insanity, you asking your self these three questions, what am doing? how am I doing it? and why am doing it? these three simple questions what, how, and why! This is what i call embracing your insanity in order to stay insane. but if one did not, where he would have been now?

SO now you are asking, why are we sane people living in this insane world, simply cause we did not share our insanity, we did not share our journey from insanity to sanity, we did not express our insanity, we did not share the experience of over coming it, and we just shared the sanity we are living in now, and where is the lesson here, you are like telling a kid that you have to walk, in a world where no one is walking, and every one is using a wheel chair, he had never seen one person walking!?

you do not celebrate your insanity, you celebrate your sanity through expressing your insanity, let me try to explain through this example, when you are mostly happy for having a high grade in an exam, you celebrate it when it is the first time, when you used to get bad grades in it, and if you are just used to get the same high grade each month, it will be meaningless to celebrate a high grade if you get the same grade each month, it will be just as normal as you get used of having bad grades. you celebrate the new accomplishments not the one you are already doing, and you celebrate keeping that accomplishment for long, and not celebrate the same accomplishment each time you have it done!?

I do not pride myself for being out of the ordinary, i pride my self for the feeds i get back when am being out of the ordinary, let me tell you this situation that i have just experienced yesterday, the club am a member in, have just experience on of the greatest improvement eras in its 70 years life long, 20 years ago, this club had only 10% or less of its land with construction, no play grounds, no stadiums, nothing, the reaming 90% of it was like the savanna, and literally there were more than 300 sheep hearing there, then came this man, and when he laid the whole plan for the club, and every body saw it huge billboard showing all the construction that are existing now, they just said he is a crazy man, they called him insane, they called the head of chair-board they elected mad. couple of months ago, i was just wondering how could we preserve that great improvements, that great accomplishment, it is just on the peak, and if we do not realize it, we will start deteriorating, I was wondering, what do we need, do we need change? and i just had this idea in my mind, what is this man just walk through the club like a normal man and listen to others, the ideas of the club members, only if he can do the effort. and just yesterday it happened, i was in the library reading, for the second time in my life in entered this library, and i saw him coming in, surrounded with the members of the club managements, i went for him with this mad comment, with the most insane thing my mind came up with, and for sure i hesitated, but i asked my self, for what cause it is, when i realized it was for good, i just went to him, shacked his hand an literally told him this, “you proved me wrong, I thought you were not walking through the club, you just proved me wrong”.

and when i was just attempting to walk away, he called for me after walking a couple of steps, saying i want you to tell me what are your suggestion for improving the library, I just felt overwhelmed, but i summed my courage to go back, and stood among them, and i really had no good idea, it was just my second time, and my only good idea was to buy newer round shaped carpet, and make it complete so walking would not be mush noisy. and just before he left, he held my hand, and he whispered bis privet mobile phone number in ears, the number that the club management does not have, and he asked him to call him if i have any suggestion.

what happened next was not that exiting or unexpected any more, people were asking what did i tell him, to grab his attention just by saying these words that took less than half a minute, they asked for my phone number, they asked for me to visits them in their offices, they asked me write my suggestion and present it to them formally, and all of that was the outcome of an mad, insane, but true and deep moment!

you cannot imagine how you put me at ease when you explained, sanity as light and insanity as dark, we talked about light and dark before, and i just had to mention this to you some day, some thing i missed that is truly crucial for life, that without darkness there would not have been light, and vise versa, both are bliss, and both can be abused, misused, we need light so we can work and live, we need dark so we can sleep and rest, we need both, but only us can have the balance between, can reach that point of equilibrium!

My dear, no one needs insanity, no one wants insanity, insanity is within us, and we are only sane when we can express our insanity, we can only keep our sanity if we can define our insanity, understand it, and trough it we become the most sane, even if others tell us we are sane, we can only show them were we came from, how far had our journey been, then they will see it no more as insanity, they will see it as an reachable goal!

Cya,
Ziad

Hi Anita,

You call it tomayto, i call it tomahto, you call it potatoe, i call it potato, at the end it is the same thing :).

I like very much your definition of sanity, as “Sanity means seeing reality for what it is.”, and insanity is “seeing distorted versions of reality”, what i mean is here, I acknowledge the distorted version of reality, meaning that i acknowledge the fact that i was mistaken seeing it that way, and by doing that i can gain back my sanity, seen reality as is.

this is what i meant by embracing insanity, to realize it, but how could you know that you were mistaken without expressing yourself, either by asking your self these questions, what, how and why, or by speaking it out. if you do not do either of these actions, and just suppress your insanity, one day it will subconsciously control you, because simply you did not face it, you were just escaping it.

I can say with full condense that both of us pursue the same kind of sanity, and if i may add, i just want to inspire change to the people who see distorted versions of reality. A Firm grip of someones shacking your hand after talking to you, a simple wish of good luck so i can continue perusing my path, a look of admire in someones eyes saying you can do what i could not do, these are the things worth living for me!

By the way, I had my routine run and workout today, and by chance the first football team was there, having their training, they were watching how hard am working out, and even one of them acknowledged me, and he was joking with his couch, that am already tired, so they should stop training :). i just could not stop my self telling him that i have been training since 4:30 pm and that they have just started at 6 pm. and we laughed! I had trained yesterday as well, i could not do more than 1.5 miles, and worked out a bit. but I went also yesterday to a professional masseur in the club, and today i was able to run 3.5 miles, and workout for another 2 hours, see what I told you about changing the variables, i just had this 15 minutes sauna and 30 minutes massage, can easily change your ability to workout more, i felt like that all the fatigue form my previous training are gone, and only the increase in my mussel and lung capacity form my previous training are there, it was just amazing!

Cya,
Ziad,

Dear Anita,

It Might be risky, but the higher the risk the higher the return, Its not my first time, i did it before, 2 years ago, and then i used to run every day, for a whole month, and i rested only two or three days during, and it was Ramadan, and i was fasting, no water or food before 7 pm, I used to leave work at 4, and then run 3 kilos a day, and then spend half an hour in the pool, and anther sitting in the sun, I lost 15 kg that week, but unfortunately i could not keep it as a habit then.

Am running now on tartan track, which are softer on the knees, on my joints as a whole,I eat well, three meals a day, i drink milk, I eat healthy, I do not smoke hash any more, which i used to do every day, i used to smoke only hash cigarettes, i do not want to drink alcohol any more, I used to drink a lot a year ago, and am really considering to quit smoking at all, it is hard, but i have just decided to smoke only 5 cigarettes a day!

The causes of CFS aren’t well-understood. Some theories include viral infection, psychological stress, or a combination of factors. Because no single cause has been identified, and because many other illnesses produce similar symptoms, CFS can be difficult to diagnose. There are no tests for CFS, so your doctor will have to rule out other causes for your fatigue.

My goal of running is to clear and focus my mind, to get rid of negative energy and charge myself with positive energy, I spent my time on the track encouraging people to run more, and when they encourage me back, i can do more, it just feels ecstatic. any thing else, like losing weight or getting fit is just an side effect, I just want to clear my mind!

Cya,
Ziad,

Hi Anita,

I have been very busy lately and this is why, I have been pursuing this scholarship in business psychology offered by UNICAF and University of South Wales, this is my personal statement to them as per their request. can you read and advise your feedback before end of tomorrow which is my deadline.

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I am a holder of a BSC in Commerce with a high interest in Psychology, this is why am applying for this scholarship in business psychology, during my studies we have been introduced to the terms of organizational behavior and multiple studies in management, and throughout my work experience I have noticed the importance of these aspects, that we were just covering the peels during our undergraduate studies. My high interest in psychology, arose form my interest in human nature, the motives and drives to attempt actions that influence themselves and others, people I know would say I have a philosophy in life, I would say that am interested in the life we live as is, and the ability to inspire change to improve our life!
Quote – “Business Psychology is the study and practice of improving working life. It combines an understanding of the science of human behavior with experience of the world of work to attain effective and sustainable performance for both individuals and organizations” – end quote
Reading about philosophers like Plato, reading philosophy books like “Beyond Good and Evil” by Nietzsche, their aroused my interstate in psychology, reading about the human mind, the affects of memories, the suppressing of which and the fact of it being repressed had amazed me, the subconscious mind and its affect in our day to day life, even without us noticing it, the human mind ability to cognition, to process and analyze knowledge through thoughts and experiences, and finally reading about Marya Hornbacher and her book Madness described as a breakthrough in mental illness.
I have worked in different fields of work in different organization, dealing with public during organizing medical conferences, dealing with sales representatives and logistics coordinators in multinational organizations, while working for a company in the field of medical appliances, dealing with clients, programmers, and support teams, while working for two different IT companies, dealing with more than eight branches in addition for the head office, while working in the field of quality assurance; all that have enabled to meet and comprehend different types of management styles and employees minds.
Working with my own project and creating my own team of translators, proof readers and content admins made me release the huge difference between management and leadership, teaching others and defining their week and strong points, their ability and willingness to understand and comprehend you efforts, the simple action of acknowledging someone’s work and validating it, and its effect on his effort been directed towards a unique goal had always amazed and rattled my mind.
I have recently watched Brené Brown Ted talks about the power of vulnerability and listening to shame, which you can say have changed my perspective in life, the fact that an action of creativity is the most venerable action someone can think of, putting oneself thoughts, experience and effort to be judged and contempt by others, and simply am willing to do that. I can tell you stories from the last month where I have placed myself in venerable position and the outcomes had always amazed me, the positive one had pushed me to move forward, the negative ones had made me question and search for more answers, but I would not and will simply place myself in this vulnerable position by attaching my “Prose” here and wait for the feedback.
This is why I want to purse life in studying more about psychology, and implement which effects in business and social life, this is also why am pursuing this place in my clubs youth committee that I have just met the head of which today, I just want to inspire change!
 
Thoughts of a desperate mind!

I do not want to be used or labeled
to be accused of being unable
Is it hard to sin, to fall… Like a toy from hell!
What does it take to do a good deed?
When true self is in need!

The paradox within is flawless
The abyss below is lawless
Darkness around… Silence surround

Pain can be endured…Pain is a bliss

Causality can bound…And it is not totally round

The fresh breath of air…Is it true to the ones heir
And in all I want to be fair…Is that hardly ever despair

In the name of everything, good, bad or worse
Is the inevitable fight Ambrose

Sentries of war on guard…Centuries have passed in shard

And yet we have gone so far…far from the truth of which!
We had entitled our self with…Or the ones layers are?

Lies were not invented nor created
But within oneself are fated
Within one self is fated

I do not want to be used or labeled
to be accused of being unable
Darkness flows within, silence laws no more
As the paradox began to blend in, the abyss appears just a bin.

Knowing oneself is to be pardoned…Mastering it is the bargain.
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It is out of heart, straight forward and very true!

Much appreciation,
Ziad Saad ElDin

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your feedback here, I will send it anyway, including the running.

Ziad,