Dear Anita,

I just meant in this post, I will keep posting!

Cya,
Ziad,

Hi Anita,

I will just change the subject her, because just what i experienced something derivative but the outcome is just amazing, at least for me. I just witnessed the Imam (the man who lead the people in prayer) of the mosque downstairs from home, bending this boys hand to his back to the extent the touched, he was in pain, and he was just laughing, and this other old man beating him on the back of his head, and these other 2 boys watching and laughing, I just could not bare it as usual and i intervened, i talked to him about the concept of hitting kids, my dads beating me and he admitted that he was wrong and that is why am like that! this just make me laugh when i thought about it latter.
When he could not argue any more about it, about hitting kids, he talked about hitting women, and that Prophet Mohamed said not to hit women hard, which means there is beating in Islam, i had no reply for that, and I just flipped when that kid was saying, yes bating is good, and i had to leave, i knew that there was no hope there, there was no that ounce of good.
i went up home and researched about it, and found this amazing story about Prophet Mohamed teachings regarding beating women, first i have to say that Prophet Mohamed never beat any of his wives, any servant, or even anything, animal or inanimate only did in war or when he saw someone was crossing the God limits, like crossing the laws, only for punishment which is driven from the crime it self, like if you kill someone you get killed.
so the issue of hitting women, was an still a huge global issue, so men at his time were hitting there women severely, and then prophet Mohamed told all the men to stop beating their women, just like that no beating, then one of closest friends of Prophet Mohamed came to him and told him that women were outrageously treating men when you forbidden the beating of women, so Prophet Mohamed gave them the permission to hit women but with rules, very strict rules that women are only beaten when you are scared of them doing something outrageous, if they are doing something that their men cannot live with, and first you speak with them, and then you do not make love to them, but still sleep with them in the them bed, and then beat them, and if they objected just you just let them be, leave them alone, divorce her! this is a verses from Quran,and there is no any clear message hear for beating, but men just would not see it, they were just used to it! so how can some one accept a beating if it is just does not mean beating here it means leaving them, leaving them for a while, leave home, if they objected you divorce them. but anyway the community was just stronger here, and am sure you know how much the communities opinion is very strong, but then when seventy women came and complained to prophet Mohamed he just said this amazing thing, and i just have to write it in Arabic, “ولا تجدون أولاءكم خياركم” meaning that you will not find any good in these men who beat their women. you will only find bad people who hits their women. and it is a very clear message, no good in beating, even if you believe that this verses in Quran means beating. and more prophet Mohamed when he saw that people are still beating their women, people with no good in them, he said that you do not hit women hard, or shameful, you do not brake a bone or make them bleed, he was just that compassionate man.
Then I learned that we are condemned when the men who are leading us in prayer are not good men, that is why I laugh when i remember that ” I just can not call him Imam” told me this is your opinion because you were beaten hard! we are just condemned! our end as Muslims will be by the hands of the ones teaching us Islam.
that is simply the world am living in here, but when i realized that i just could not be thankful to God that i was shown that incidence i would not have been introduced to that knowledge, you will not find good in people who beats each other, you will one find dad people , evil people who beats others for the heck of it! and i prayed and i cried for God to empower me to keep on going, i prayed for the first time not of fear or wanting something from God, or for believing i should thank God for a job, or some money, i just prayed for him for the knowledge he gave me, and that next time that when i see this man “so called Imam” i can easily tell him that there is no good in your heart!

Cya, Ziad,

Dear Wessam,

I can now attend to you last post after i have just unloaded by burden, I just had to let someone know, i was thinking of going back downstairs and tell him what i found, but at the end it was a lost cause, he was just blind, i remembered one more detail, hat he mentioned just before he could not speak about child abuse any more, he said that prophet Mohamed said, if only he was not afraid of Gods punishment he would hit him with Siwaak – a very light thin piece of wood that is used to clean your teeth, before the invention of toothbrush or tooth paste – Prophet Mohamed was afraid to beat a kid for not praying with a piece of siwaak because of God’s punishment, and when I told him this means there is punishment from god for hitting your child to pray with apiece of Siwaak, he just felt vulnerable and he could not stand the feeling of vulnerability so he moved to another subject which is actually in related. I seems that I did not blew of all the steam in the last post 🙂

And this is how I can relate this to Brene Brown, in her talk about vulnerability she mentioned that there is no creation with out vulnerability, and that creating something that was not there before is the most act of being vulnerable, when you put your self in vulnerable states you can create, and that is how i realized what i did, with out that state of vulnerability that i had placed my self in, i would not have had that knowledge, and I told you before i will master that approach, and am doing it 🙂 i just heard that bird singing, the Egyptian Curlew, one of the most wonderful sounds you can ever hear, I have been hearing it since a month or more, and they had this effect on me! I somehow take it as a sign!

I wish if that was the way i had been treated, now and since long, i had my freedom, i forced my freedom, to the extent that no one will ever get the chance of arguing about it with me, if you have something to say about me, you can say it, i see you saying it, but your feedback is just not that considerable to me, you will say a couple of wards and will go away, am the one living with it, try to step in my shoes, i just dare you to try, that what my eyes were saying then! I Just do not want other to suffer from that, to force their freedom with that hardhearted approach, it was hurting me as much it was hurting others, but on the other hand, it saved me, i just do mot want to see other going through what i had to go through!

I know what is wrong with me, I have known it all that time, am a man with a good heart in a world full of bad ones! and to them my goodness seemed outrageous, my courage was weakening them showing them how they real are, and they just could not feel vulnerable, that is why they are blind!

you are son true here that (You greatly need to be honest, visible, acknowledged, seen as is, being known as you are, injuries and all and you have the need for other people you interact with to be the same, visible, known-to-you, children and adults. Choose who you interact with for these traits, this way of being) but I just have to add that people do change, the ones you have known and seen before are not the ones you are seeing now, they just became different, and this is killing as well, to see the people that you love change to some one that you tended to avoid, that is just killing, to see the good in people dying and the bad rising up!

And i promise you will be the first one to read it hear, i might need an editor 🙂

I will keep making my self known as this is the only thing that is encouraging me her, even if i lose the fight, but the smell of blood will drew other sharks. and am quoting Ironman here 🙂

Love, Ziad,

Dear Anita,

You Just made me have the first laugh in my day, i was still in bed, your care for me, you worrying about me, being too excited, but i can tell how much excited I am, I spent yesterday working out fro three hours, I ran for 5.12 miles while my target was only 4 miles, I worked an extra one hour doing stretches, squats, push-ups, and many other exercises I do not know no the name of, but i do know the effect of, and meditated for 5 min, how was i able to that, when I exercised the day before day and night, I ran the day before 3 miles in the morning, and played football, and basketball for 2 hours in the morning. Yesterday morning I told my self you do not have to work out this morning, you can just rest for today, and if you feel energetic you can exerciser in the night, and then i opened Facebook, and i saw the picture of the women, a handicapped women on a wheel chair, with one of the most real smiles on her face i have ever seen, it was not one of the posts that some one would share because he was feeling pity, she was a real women with a real name, and we had common friends between us, and i could not resist of sending her this message, (hi Rania, My name is Ziad Saad Eldin, and I came across a photo of yours on Facebook, my be just because we have friends in common, and for them I feel the gratitude to have seen your smile, it is such a power giving smile, I would like to meet you someday so we can share stories, your smile just empowered me to continue my life the way I see it, to stop doubting my self, you are such an amazing person, I hope all the best for you. Please forgive me for being blunt here, I just could not resist the good temptation. Ziad,)
and i just went for that run, i was limping after the first 2 miles, but i told my self, you still have one good leg, you better limp running than limp walking, and only by making my self vulnerable to myself and that other boy who was running the track, telling him aren’t you gonna run any more and asking him to join me, i could not have ran that extra 1.12 miles, i could not have worked-out that extra hour which was actually harder than running!
i have started running 2 weeks ago, and i had only one day of rest, but i would not rest any more, actually i have decided to work out day and night, running days by myself and working out nights with my friends, In the Gym, playing football or basket ball, and by the way am a good goalkeeper and a decent midfielder 🙂
what made me laugh is i could not have imagined myself and the anger within me without all that working out, I run to release anger, and focus my mind, any thing else i consider a side effect!

i really appreciate your care, but do not worry, it is just like running, as i told my adviser before when she was worried about me, when she considered i was having a manic episode, and my reply to her was very simple, it might be a manic episode, and i can just use it to get benefits out of, and try not to do something I will regret, you see i have experience with manic episodes. when you are running, and you feel your leg hurting, lactating, you stop to do some stretches and continue running after your leg is feeling better, when you feel you cannot catch you breath you slow down, when you feel you need a rest you do it, you do rest, but you have to start again, stand up again, and walk again, and run again, better than before. i have ran more than 41 miles since i have started, i can not believe it too, but that is what the app is saying, the Nike runner app.

I was not speaking about a book, i was speaking about an article, :), may be a three pages article, but i have never thought of writing a book before, but you make it so reasonable, the amount of writing i have did the last month, can make more than one book!

Cya, Ziad,

Hi Anita,

I just cannot stop loving your posts, it is mind opening, and i totally agree with you, it is not how fast you run it how for how long you can keep running, an bu the way i ran another 4 miles today, and after the first 2 miles i stretched to remove the lactic acid from my mussels, and ran another 2 miles, and then do workouts and relaxation by yoga, i learned that yesterday from a guy i met running, it makes you able to go on. when am running i have to slow down, i have to think that if i did not i will not be able to run more, you slow down your pace and the increase it again, this is how i reach my goals now, i also use other methods to keep me going, i use hot water to remove the lactic acid from my body, i will use Jacuzzi, and i can have message also, all that can help, to keep me going, but at the end i have to rest my body, i have to take an off day.
but i have to be more truthful here am scared of slowing down, am scared if i do not run and walk for a long time, i will forget all about running, am scared if I slow down i will get used to it, it is not bad nor good, but am like it is not yet the time to slow down, it is not yet the time to be comfortable, I have been comfortable for years in my bed, where did that get me, may be that is why am seeking professional help, anther eye who sees me differently, who can open my mind to new ideas.
running is dangerous because you do not know your body, that why you get injuries, you do not get the messages that your body is sending you, i do get them, but i tend to push it hard a bit, i do not ignore them totally, i just delay the reaction a bit, am not saying am right or wrong, am saying that i want to stretch my skin as hard as i can, i do notice and look very hard for not cutting it.
I do not see it as a balance, as much as i see it as a state of equilibrium physically, mentally and spiritually. as long as i feel am in a state of equilibrium between these three elements am happy with my self, if any of the curves deviate, i have to reorganize stuff to reach the same state of equilibrium.
so i guess the question here is, am i able to reach that state of equilibrium all the time, the answer is no, the variables surrounding will keep changing and i cannot fight with them, can i realize the changes surrounding me? the answer is yes, can i regain that state of equilibrium again? the answer is yes.

just cannot stop admiring you endless care!
Ziad,

Dear Anita,

you only worry about some one that you care for, i do not see your worries, i see your care.

it is amazing how you combined that since of physics and dynamics both at the same time, i used to love both subjects during high school, and still, that law of physics you mentioned is newton first law of motion, i just looked it out: Newton’s First Law of Motion states that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it, and a body in motion at a constant velocity will remain in motion in a straight line unless acted upon by an outside force.
the second law of motion; The Second Law of Motion states that if an unbalanced force acts on a body, that body will experience acceleration ( or deceleration), that is, a change of speed. i guess what i experiencing is an unbalanced force!
in dynamics friction is; When surfaces in contact move relative to each other, the friction between the two surfaces converts kinetic energy into thermal energy (that is, it converts work to heat). This property can have dramatic consequences, as illustrated by the use of friction created by rubbing pieces of wood together to start a fire. Kinetic energy is converted to thermal energy whenever motion with friction occurs, for example when a viscous fluid is stirred. Another important consequence of many types of friction can be wear, which may lead to performance degradation and/or damage to components. Friction is a component of the science of tribology.
but i have to mention that this since is based on solid bodies that that does not tend to change formation, the human body is different though, it can react to outside forces, it can reanimate forces, conceptual boundaries, that no law can intimidate, i tend to live by laws, not in laws, laws are a way of living, not a mean of living, you can break laws, only when you understand them, but you cannot, when you let them control you, and accept each and every defined aspect as a fact, laws are just the understanding of people and not the divine laws that govern us!

You put it in so graceful here, just before you sleep you think of what you did that day, was it worthy, or was it a waste of time, were you up to it, or were you under its control, what have you contributed, and what could you have but contributed more, the inescapable force of of self appreciation/depreciation. I feel it every day, every single moment, so i guess I will keep writing, every single day 🙂

I just had this discussion with that girl i sent my message to on Facebook, i shared with her my suffering with bipolar disorder, i made one more person know what is bipolar disorder, she did not understand, i tried to explain to her, she suggested the that i go to her psychiatrist, she told me he helped her a lot, by i do not know why till no that no man will understand me as a women does, may be because am very in touch with my feminine side, after all the male chromosome is XY, and the female is XX, the main is X, the sub is Y;In humans, a single gene (SRY) present on the Y chromosome acts as a signal to set the developmental pathway towards maleness. Presence of this gene starts off the process of virilization. This and other factors result in the sex differences in humans.[1] The cells in females, with two X chromosomes, undergo X-inactivation, in which one of the two X chromosomes is inactivated. The inactivated X chromosome remains within a cell as a Barr body. somehow most me do not understand that, that both men and women comes from the same origin, and we should meet at that origin, not at the sub-origin.

am listening to The Rolling Stones – (I Can’t Get No); nice song, very meaningful.

Till next time, Ziad,

Dear Anita,

please let me explain this more clearly, laws of nature as we now it, are the understanding of scientists, great scientists that have done lots for man kind, but they are men and women like me and you, and this is there understanding to the forces of nature, set to us as laws, agreed? when we understand the laws as abstract, and consider even a 0.0000001 chance of being wrong, we can open our minds to unlimited knowledge.

let me speak about this scientist that am sure you know very well, Einstein, which means on stone or a stone, am not that good in German, his theory of relativity, i cannot say that i understand it even a bit of it, but the fact that every thing is relative, had always made me think about life, I beg you watch this experiment on you tube; https://youtu.be/E43-CfukEgs, i guess it might change your mind.

one more point, i know one man who was killed because every body thought he was mad, he said that earth was a sphere! do you know his name? i really cannot remember it! 🙂

I liked your example regarding friction with air a lot, and i just had this disagreement with the guys on the track, they hate when it is windy, because they see it as hindering to their speed and effort, i on the other hand like it, because when a breath of air hits you on the face when running, i feel refreshed, i can take in more fresh air, with more oxygen in it, which sends more oxygen to my body, and mussels, which help my mussels to work harder and longer, so in a way it does not slow me down and does not speed me up, i can just keep the same pace!

I have to disagree with you again, not in the way of you living your life, but in the abstract concept of it, and i need to ask you this question; what if all mankind since the beginning of humanity, have just decided to endorse this concept, where do you think we would be right now?

I respect friction, and all scientific laws, and also respect myself as a man capable as the others who discovered and set these laws.

hope that I have explained myself well above, and can not wait to see your feedback.

Respect,
Ziad,