Dear Kkasxo:

You didn’t share here what happened to bring about the split. In a reply yesterday you wrote that in the split there was “a very large influence from his family, in particular his mother” and that he lied to you for three years (“the sweet little lies he fed me for 3 years”).

Will you share a bit more about that influence and the lies?

In getting getter (your last sentence on your thread), it helps a whole lot to learn from the situation we want to move on from.

anita

Dear Kkasxo:

I sure hope you heal from this understandable heartache, this devastation and that you will feel better soon.

I am well aware how powerful the early relationship with a parent is in a person’s life. A person is literally being formed in those formative years of childhood. Many thousands of neuropathways are formed in the  brain as a result of the child ongoing interactions  with the parent, most often the mother. These pathways  get reactivated every day of his life as an adult.

You wrote: “I feel betrayed and deceived”. Interesting, isn’t it, that it is his loyalty to his mother that brought about his betrayal  of you.

You wrote: “I no longer believe in relationships. I cannot possibly ever trust another soul like that”- if I was single, in the dating world, first thing I’d do when getting to know a man, is learn about his relationship with his mother as a child and onward. That would give me valuable information about whether it is wise to trust him.

What do you think?

* I will be away from the computer for the next 17 hours or so. If you reply, I will read and reply again when I am back.

anita

Dear Kkasxo:

It is the betrayal of a family that hurts the most. Once you feel that sense of connection, of safety, of comfort, to have all that pulled out from underneath you, that is devastating. It definitely is “contributing to the pain”.

I think this is a likely possibility: just like his mother turned against you (gathering  the others to join her), she turned against her own son, when he was a child, repeatedly. This is why he cooperated with her, to avoid the punishment he is very familiar with, same you are familiar with now. He didn’t want to be the one she turned against, so he joined her.

anita

Hello Kkasxo,

First off…yes you will heal…and someone will surely love you again. Probably more than you had with this boyfriend.  I had a relationship that ended and I thought there was no way I would find someone that loved me, spoiled me, cared for me when I was sick, and was just all around wonderful.  I felt like a knife was in my chest from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. I cried all day.  I was devistated and suicidal as well.  The first thing I did was cut off all things and contacts to him.  Even though I wanted to know what he was up to, it hurt too much. Not having any connection helped ease the pain.  I called on friends when I hurt or read, or watched a movie.  Another good thing I did was exercise, because it’s so healing.  I enrolled in a couple classes at the local college and slowly it started to get bettter. I met a guy in passing at school and to my surprise he  FAR surpassed my ex in so many ways. Today I’m thankful for the break up because I wouldn’t be with someone as awesome as my husband. And….my ex…is still having the same problems we were dealing with 7 years ago.  Never thought I would heal….but I did and you will too.  Reach out to the social media options you have like “meetup”  you can actually find a local group for support or a to meet new friends.  Take advantage of those options and baby yourself during these times.  Eat good, take walks and hot baths.  You’ll be back smiling before you know it.   Remember “this too shall pass”.  Jade