Hi Nicole,

I would make a list. Make a list of loving things you would do for someone else, but in this case, do it for yourself! They are concrete things, rather than abstract thoughts.

Examples:

1. Get a medical checkup ~ dental, doctor, eyes

2. Buy healthy and/or utterly delicious foods!

3. Play hooky for a day.

4. See a movie you’ve always wanted to see

5. Go to festivals.

6. Give yourself a gift ~ something you would never buy for yourself

7. Take a long nap

8. Get your nails done. A makeover. A massage.

The list can go on and on, changed, etc. Make a list and do one thing a week.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Nicole

I wouldn’t say that learning to love yourself is a simple process. Like riding a bike, it is straightforward once you have mastered it, but getting there takes time and effort. But it really is worth it – if for no other reason than it helps you to love and care about others. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for others – those who care about you will be happy.

I’m big on lists and am definitely with Inky and Anita as a starting point. What I would add is a technique that I found helpful.

Make a list of (say) ten things that you really feel are important qualities for other people to have. So, on my list I had things like: Kindness and compassion; sense of fun; tolerance; dependability, etc. Make your own list so it means something to you.

Then evaluate yourself against those qualities from 1-10, 1 being someone who doesn’t possess the quality at all. Try to be as honest as you can. Because you are currently in a position where you have experienced so much negative input from others trying to put you down, you will almost certainly be scoring yourself 3 points lower than anyone else would. If it helps, try to look at yourself from outside – how would a friend score you on those measures?

The benefit of this process I found was that it helped me to establish that many of the things I disliked about myself were things that I would not have regarded as important in anyone else. And that I actually wasn’t that bad on the qualities that actually counted. Sure, I needed to work on several of them, but so does everyone. How did I work on those aspects? By making a conscious effort to “BE” all those qualities that I decided are important – in other words to try to behave in the way someone with a score of 10 in each of those qualities would behave. It’s not always easy, but the reinforcement of the way that others react is a big help. And the good thing about it is that it works whether you believe it will or not.

You also mention learning how to be alone. I think I have mentioned before that being lonely and being alone are very different things, so the issue is really how to be happy with your own company. That doesn’t come easily to everyone. Some find being alone a wonderful quiet refuge from the world outside – others feel abandoned or neglected. So what can you do to create that lovely, comforting refuge?

I’d suggest organising something – anything – that you can do alone and really enjoy, and making it an appointment in your diary for tomorrow or the next available day. It could be going for a walk, a horse ride, reading a favourite book, watching a DVD, a relaxing bath – whatever it is, just so long as it doesn’t depend on anyone else. Just make it into an appointment so you are looking forward to it. That way you start to build a mindset of actually looking forward to spending time on your own. Then just do it, without guilt, without judgement. It is your emotional exercise time, just as important as any physical exercise programme. Then organise something else. Then another thing. Very quickly, you will move from a position of “I’m all alone, what am I going to do?” to switching your phone to silent because you don’t want anyone interrupting your “me” time.

None of this is easy and it will take time to see the benefits. But stick at it, even if it is just for others, so that you can be at full strength for them. Remember that in loving yourself, you make yourself easier for others to be with – you don’t drain them of energy, but allow them to be themselves. And that is the best gift you can give anyone.