How do you get over fear of abandonment?

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by dreaming715.

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June 27, 2017 at 7:04 pm #155344

dreaming715
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I’m 28-years-old and throughout my life (from the time I was a baby until now) my mom has routinely abandoned me. When I was a baby she would leave me with my dad and grandparents and disappear for days, weeks, or months at a time. When I was less than five years old she spent time in prison for drug charges. From the ages of 12-18, I don’t recall her coming to a single tennis, soccer, or track & field event I was in. She’s honestly a horrible, toxic person who stole savings bonds my grandparents would give me for birthday presents when I was a child and cash them in for herself. Needless to say I do not have a relationship with her. I cut off contact with her and we haven’t talked in 8 months. I do not plan on reconciling and I’m moving on with my life without her.

I KNOW her abandonment, emotionally destructive behavior, and absence during my childhood had a negative effect on me. I read articles on how crucial it is for babies to be nurtured, held, and shown stability. This was not the case for me.

At this point in my life I have an intense fear of abandonment- particularly in relationships. I’m always afraid my boyfriend of 1 year will leave me.

How do I get over this?

June 28, 2017 at 9:19 am #155400

Anonymous
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Dear dreaming715:

Getting over an intense fear is a long term project. I don’t know if 100% getting-over-it an intense, long term, early established fear is even possible. But 80%-90% would be nice, wouldn’t it?

I am still dealing with intense fear myself, an intense fear originating in childhood. My healing process started a bit over six years ago with my first quality psychotherapy. I worked a bit over six years at this point, every day, hours per day, on my healing. And I am definitely not over my fear. I only hope that it will be easier and not as lengthy a process for you, that my intense fear has been more intense, more extensive than yours, and so, it may not require so much time and work in your case.

I have no doubt though that fear is a powerful emotion for everyone and that healing from intense fear is a lot of work and time for anyone attempting this.

To get over this best you can, these are my thoughts and suggestions:

1) Brace yourself for the long term. No easy and fast solutions. You may practice one solution at any one time and feel better, calm, maybe hoping that you made it, but not likely. It does take a long time and persistence over time.

2) Notice how you have been dealing with this fear so far- what were your solutions so far? Some people turn to drugs, others to food… escaping into computer games, TV.. what are your ways of escaping the fear?

3) Those ways (#2)- are they causing further distress? Need to stop some of those ways, moderate/ adjust others.

4) Of the ways you used so far, those that are not harmful, continue to use them, as healthy distractions, so when fear is overwhelming, you for example, go for a walk, listen to calming music, watch some TV and so on.

5) Create a daily routine for yourself. A routine helps with anxiety. Change the routine as you learn what works and what doesn’t.

6) Share your anxiety with your boyfriend/ others in moderation, so to not overwhelm him, not to burden others, and yet get support from him/ others.

7) Know that you are not alone, experiencing intense fear. Unfortunately, you and I have a lot of company in this regard. Keep reaching out like you did on this thread, reach out for help and offer help for others in their struggles with fear.

anita

June 28, 2017 at 1:52 pm #155436

Eliana
Participant

Hi Dreaming715,

I too suffer from an intense fear of abandonment. I was abandoned over and over by an Alcoholic mother, severely neglected, emotionally abused. My father did the best he could, but he was emotional unavailable, and had to leave quite often for travel. I remember clinging to him begging and crying for him not to leave me. My 6 siblings and I would be left with a nanny, who my mother would fire when she went on her drinking binges.

This has had carried over in my adulthood in my relationships with others and with men. I have never been able to sustain a long term relationship due to perceived rejection and abandonment issues. Even with intense therapy and 12 step programs, the fear is always there. If I perceive the slightest distancing from my significant other, I will reject him, before he abandons me, which may not be the case, sabatoging the relationship.

I just keep telling myself, that I will be okay if someone leaves me. It has happened so many times with my Mother and Father, with friendships, being fired from jobs, and you know what? I was always okay. I just kept telling myself even though it sounded weird at first, yet I say it everyday “I love you” and one day I finally believed it. So that next time someone leaves me, I still have myself to love and that I will be okay. I made it through the oain, and I will make it through again.

June 28, 2017 at 2:42 pm #155448

PearceHawk
Participant

Hi dreaming 715,

What Eliana has to offer is good, very powerful medicine. What Anita says is very solid too. There is no possible way that I can add to what they said. What Anita said about “getting over an intense fear is a long term project” is the real deal. It will be a long term project. But as you engage in your pursuit in getting over it, don’t think to yourself that you’re going to do it. Think to yourself that you ARE doing it. And you will. The one thing that I got from my step-dad, as a gift that I shall be forever indebted to him for, was that he did manage to teach me one thing. That one thing was how not to be-like him. It is for that reason that I am a good father to my daughter because I just did the opposite he did. That is a sad commentary to make, but it has never failed me. I am forever grateful that he did abandon me. Even though my gratitude for that was not fully appreciated for many years later. Be grateful for what your mom gave you, how not to be-like her. Knowing this will be very helpful I’m sure in starting to get over that abandonment. One last thing, you truly are ok.

Pearce

June 29, 2017 at 5:48 am #155512

Inky
Participant

Hi dreaming715,

What I would do (what I have done) is to Other-ize your parent. Some people are not mature enough for marriage. And for sure some people aren’t mature enough to be parents!

Do you know that even in the animal kingdom, there are bad parents? Strange but true. The cubs of the young, weak and “off” animals often pay the ultimate price.

I remember the end of the book Black Boy, when the author, in the last chapter, sees his no-good father. The author is now a sophisticated, famous writer, and influential in a political party, who lives in France. He sees his father who abandoned him long ago, and he is described as almost like a creature of the wild, that came crudely from out of the earth and is still working it.

If we are handed immature, crude, no-good parents, remember that they have done their job. They brought us into this planet. It is all they were/are capable of.

Blessings,

Inky

July 5, 2017 at 3:09 pm #156546

dreaming715
Participant

Thank you for the responses. You all made great points. I often deal with my fear of abandonment by self-soothing in negative ways. Examples: Overeating unhealthy food, seeking human connection through promiscuity, and distracting myself from my emotions by staying out late and drinking with friends. While I don’t think these have severely de-railed my life, they do often make me feel bad and I should instead seek out healthier ways of coping. For example: yoga, writing, meditation, cooking healthy recipes, socializing without always drinking, etc…

Inky, I also like how you described “other-izing” the parent. It’s actually comforting to think that maybe the only purpose my mom served for me was bringing me into the world. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know why I find comfort in that. Maybe it’s because it takes unrealistic expectations off of her. I know she’s never going to turnaround and be mother of the year. She’s simply a biological component in my life.
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