I know you are supposed to think of the things to be grateful for in your life, but I can’t help thinking of the things that are wrong in life. There is just so many more of them. There is never complete balance is life, but right now, everything seems off balance. My finances, my job, romantic relationships (they don’t exist ), regular relationships, and family.

Right now, I don’t know how to move forward in life. I think about everything I have to do, at once, and I get stuck in inaction. I don’t have ambition to do even the simplest things anymore. I have 14 and 11 year old, and with 18 days until xmas, I haven’t even put the tree up yet. It makes me feel selfish because I feel like I’m going to wreck xmas for them. I’m so broke that I don’t know what I can get them this year. This isn’t a wonderful time of year from me, and since my marriage ended about 4 years ago, things just seem to get harder every year.

I went through a bad marriage breakup that really broke me down. I’m nowhere near the emotional I was in then, but I never seem to get too far ahead either. It’s seems like I am going backwards. This summer, I had a couple of short relationships. It felt like things could start improving but nothing came of either one of them. In that time, I felt more confident, more at ease, and more positive about the future. I focused on just my sons for so long that I know that I could use a relationship with a woman again. I love my boys dearly, but I miss being part of a couple.

I’ve watched other people go through things like this, and get past it. It’s like I’m waiting for my comeback but it never comes. To top it all off, I know most of why things aren’t changing, is my own fault. I just feel frozen because there is so much of it.

I was talking to a woman I work with, and I don’t know how we got on the topic, but she said, ” I got a pretty awesome life.” I didn’t say anything to that because I didn’t feel the same way about my life. I know I have two great sons. They are both great kids, students, and while my 14 year old is becoming a very good guitarist, my 11 year old is already a great drummer. I sat and watched him jam with guys 20 years older than him, and come up with amazing stuff. I’m their dad, and so proud of them, but I don’t know what else I am anymore. I worry about what kind of example I will be to them.

It seems like I have just become an observer of life that watches other people live it. I watch as other people get better jobs, have loving and happy relationships, and generally live more fulfilling lives than me. I’m not saying this in a bitter or jealous way, it feels like I don’t deserve a better life or something. I don’t know. I just feel lost.