I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now. Over the past year there have been a couple of times where I have entered a conversation with the intention of breaking up, but both times went back on it because in the moment I couldn’t come to terms with it.

We started off as best friends and initially I wasn’t romantically drawn to him, but over 6 months the attraction developed and I realised there were definitely feelings there. The first year of our relationship was amazing! We were so close and in love and spent every moment we could together. I was a lot more sexual than him in the beginning, wanting to kiss him all the time and be intimate. After about a year I began to lose my libido and our sexual encounters became a lot more spread out. We would go months without sex and I would find myself getting extremely anxious when I felt pressured to, making the situation a lot worse. We have pretty good communication so I spoke to him about how I was feeling and he was always very understanding. He is the best person I know in every possible way and loves me more than I could ever imagine anyone else loving me. That is why this is so difficult for me.

The first time I tried to end it, I told him everything on my mind and that I thought I needed to be on my own for a while. I had never seen him cry before and I was not prepared for the amount of pain we both experienced that night. Both of our hearts shattered into a million pieces and it felt like we were dying. The pain is something I’d never experienced and it really shocked me. I thought that if ending things was going to cause so much pain then it clearly isn’t what I want and that is what I told him, so we didn’t go through with it. That experience brought us closer together and I felt so much more love for him than I recently had, and we were very happy afterwards. He and I both know that I am attracted to girls, probably more so than guys, but it wasn’t an issue because I loved him and something he quite often joked about. It is however something that constantly came into my mind and it almost felt like I was trying to ignore it because I knew I was also attracted to guys. The second time I tried to end things I felt like I was entirely attracted to girls and needed to explore my sexuality more. He was amazingly understanding about it and wasn’t at all angry with me, but I lay next to him holding him in my arms for 4 hours while he sobbed. I couldn’t cope knowing that I was causing someone so much pain and it was literally killing me so I couldn’t do it. I told him I wanted to try work at it and see if things change and that I wanted to work that out with him. I was genuinely happy with my decision and we were really good again. I was happy when we were intimate and I really did want to spend all my time with him.

He literally adores me, does everything for me, loves me more than anything and says he could never love anyone else. Having spent almost every day together, it feels as though we have been in a relationship for a lot longer than we have. We have planned out our life, spoken about getting married and have 2 dogs together. A lot of the time I am happy, but I know I can’t give him everything he deserves. He has told me he doesn’t care about sex and that he would rather spend his life without it as long as he is with me. I know deep down that this isn’t what I want and I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind. I wish I wanted to do everything for him and love him as much as he does, but I don’t. I know that listening to my heart is going to break someone else’s and I don’t know if Im capable of it. I’m really scared and I don’t know how to go through with it or if I will hate myself for it.