Hi Michelle,

I am listening to my wife, I would argue that this is the first time I really have in this entire issue as until Christmas I assumed she was just scared as she often is with new things. My response to her concerns regarding pregnancy, birth and raising a child was to say that every parent has the same issues and still go through with it, for the most part the all deem it worthwhile as many have more than one child. I see nothing unique about our situation that other would be parents wouldn’t  face, I am not on a great wage but I make more money than both my parents my entire life and though I didn’t get to do some stuff, I had a decent enough life. We have friends who make less than us but have a child and are happy albeit stressed as raising a kid often is.

I am not saying that I want to not get real sleep for 2 years, have to clean up pee, poo, vomit and any other messes made by the child. I do not relish the idea of not being able to go to the toilet alone or undisturbed for a few years or having no sex life for a long time. I do not want to have limited freedom because my time is taken up being a taxi for my kids or having to find money to pay for nursery or be a burden of my own parents when they step in to look after the kids for a while. But I would still put up with this stuff as all parents do because during it all is a child whom you love dearly, you get to see them grow up and help them make decisions and mature into adults. You’re there when they cry and you are the person they hurt but still stay there regardless. I see the arguments against having kids, but I also see the positives too.

I mean if you put down the negatives versus positives for most things I doubt anyone would ever do anything that wasn’t guaranteed. I see the hardships as being what life is about, nobody ever had an adventure by sitting in their comfort zone and nobody ever had a good story by not taking risks. I feel like my wife is seeing a long list of negatives and no positives.

While yes my initial thought is that she would stay home I am guilty of nothing more than being influenced by the culture I grew up in, this is still the norm. However it is 2019, I am not bound by it and I have already told her I would be open to adoption, and do not have an issue being a house husband and looking after the children. As for my financial plan it is the same as everyone else, save up and do your best. What other method is there? Many of the women I work with stand by their comment that you will never be ready and as long as you think you don’t have enough money/time/whatever you won’t. As long as you have enough to easily care for yourself currently then you make do as best you can with a child. That may not be as reliable as strict 12 step formula but it seems to be how most people manage to my knowledge and believe me I have asked.

We have both of our parents living nearby so it is not like we do not have support, my sister lives close by too. My work is very flexible and is made up predominantly of mothers who love how accommodating the job is for them. I could also work from home once the child is older. We also have many options regarding nurseries nearby as we live in a suburban area of a major city. I think we have options for how to manage the care of a child and make it work for us.

As for the job situation yes I know I sound erratic. The whole RAF thing was a dream, I would love it but never thought it would actually happen as I knew it was too much of a major change to our marriage, it was just the spark that started this thought process. When I suggested it to begin with I wasn’t even thinking about kids, I only really put the kids issue together with it when I realised she was wanting to draw a line in the sand over it and I have been holding off on that over kids and the RAF is just a job not a life’s plan.

I didn’t expect her to be ok with me joining the RAF and making such a huge decision without consulting her which is why I didn’t. What bothered me was that she made the decision to not have kids without consulting me until she had made up her mind. What really annoys me is that she knew how I felt about the military because I had told her from the first time we started dating that if my main career didn’t work out I would like to join the military. She was forewarned about this choice too whereas I wasn’t given a clue about her decision about children until 8 years in as she had actively kept it quiet. She had even told me multiple times id make a great dad and we had even discussed kids names. Though in retrospect I think these conversations may have been a little one sided. But I stress I see her as human so I am not too angry about not being told as she had hoped she would get the urge at some point and it never came. What bothers me is that she put her foot down about my idea even though she had been told beforehand. This issue is not really the point right now but thats why the RAF thing irritates me. It was semi serious as I knew it was unfair but the fact she was so adamant was a bit upsetting as the RAF was just a job, I have more right to be angry about not having kids than she did about me joining the military but I am also being a lot more understanding of it too.

I will accept she is the responsible one in the relationship, she can be quite controlling anyway I think largely due to anxiety not any kind of malice so I tend to let her do the official stuff because she would only double check my stuff if I did it anyway. I tend to be more optimistic and free and she tends to be a pessimist and rigid, but not always, it is not like we’re total opposites all the time. However in spite of being the responsible one she also feels very insecure about her abilities, this is one of the issues the counselor will be working with her on.

As far as I understand it her dream is pretty much what we have right now. A house, car, cats (maybe she wants a dog too) and be able to go on holidays once a year. My dream is pretty much the same but I see kids in there too. We don’t really want all that much but we differ greatly on this one point. She doesn’t have any other lofty ambitions or goals to my knowledge, whereas ever since I lost my dream job a few years ago I have a new dream every year. About the only constant things in all of my goals have been my wife and having kids.

We are currently in an odd place. Last night we had a very teary conversation and we talked about our feelings. I explained how much I love her and she did me, we really showed our cards and got it across that we are not on opposite sides of a conflict here, we both love eachother so much and thats why this hurts so much. We are currently in a bit of a suspended blissful ignorance stage right now. I expect it to end anytime but we are really affectionate right now and decided to just put this on hold until after the counseling. I also made it clear that though I am pretty certain I want kids I am not made of stone and if she is going to counseling I will too and will consider not having kids as an option. I am being as understanding as I possibly can be. The choice between the love of my life and no kids or a life without her and the possibility of never meeting anyone else that compares to her and still having no kids is terrifying and I am not coping. I keep breaking down in tears so I am now booking some solo sessions for myself to try and manage the complex emotions I’m going through right now.

My mother keeps telling me that my wife will change her mind, it actually hurts to hear as I do not think she will. And that thought feels traitorous. But I am holding on to a hope, my wife is doing the same thing. It is so odd to be so in love yet so conflicted.

Hi Michelle.

Those are good points and good questions. I hadn’t considered that sharing the problem could make it harder for my wife. I tend to be an open book so feel better for sharing but I think I will moderate that in future. I will have to talk to my family as that’s really how I cope right now. I’ve been breaking down every day so I really need that therapy. I’m trying to get the counselor to do some solo sessions with me as I’m struggling a lot with guilt and feeling incredibly hopeless but she has yet to get back to me from by message a couple of days ago.

I’m really trying to get to the bottom of whether my wife is just scared or whether she really doesn’t want kids however I really am thinking that it’s a choice. Whether by fear or not I do not think she will budge, she seems adamant.

I’m going to see whether counseling will help her make up her mind but if I actually stop and listen to her she seems pretty made up already.

Thanks for all of your help so far guys, it is really appreciated. Anita I have been giving your observations some considerable thought and they do explain my current situation quite well.

Today my wife is not speaking to me. Earlier this week she told me her family would be coming to visit and that on Sunday we would go for a family day out. At first I said ok but then I had to explain that actually no I am not ok in going out with the family and pretending everything is all ok and I am fine, I am not fine and it is not ok.

She did not like this and she stopped talking to me over text, then when we got home she didn’t speak to me other than to say yes no e.t.c. She went to bed very early and left me downstairs all evening until I went to bed. She got up this morning, didn’t speak and only said bye when she left the house. She didn’t even tell me that the road was icy over text message like she normally does (I ride a motorcycle). She has yet to message me at all today so there’s been zero contact, just giving me the traditional silent treatment.

Normally I cave in and get angry at her, she then cries and I give in to her but not this time. She also told me that her sessions at the counselor has now been changed to once every two weeks. When I asked why the counsellor had done this she informed me that she (as in my wife) had decided on her own to reduce the sessions. She did not ask me what I thought about this, or make a decision together, just told me this was what she had decided. So now it feels like the agreement we had when she goes to counseling has been forgotten and the silent treatment seems like plain manipulation to me.

I think this is the last straw. I feel bad for not making it longer but I do not see what she is offering in this situation, I am doing all of the work and have come up with all of the ideas as to how we can proceed. She only agreed to counselling because I said it was the only option I see open to us to keep this discussion going. Now she has begun to wane in her commitment to that. Her silent treatment to me and her confusion as to why I won’t just pretend to be ok for her family makes me think she actually doesn’t understand how much pain this has caused me. She says she just wants me to be happy and I believe her but I think what she means by that is she wants her own way and wants me to be happy about it, she doesn’t seem to have actually made any actions to try and make me happy about this situation, in fact she has been moody and passive aggressive in the house.

I think I have decided I cannot do this anymore and for both of us to have a chance at being happy we need to call this done. I have tried to make things work but we want different things.

Whether I have the courage to say this is another matter though. I am scared of what she will do, and I am scared of what her family will say to me. I love these people and I am about to break their daughters heart. It feels remarkably unfair.