I am hoping someone can give me suggestions on how to handle an upcoming situation I will be in. My DH and I have been together for 22 years. Of the 22 years, we have been married for 19 years. We have had marital problems for 4-5 years now. Our entire relationship, women have come on to my DH…. Single, married, all ages… no one has ever recognized that he is married. I used to blame them women but lately have come to realize that the common denominator is my DH. He is good looking but he must also be giving all of these women a message that he might just be available. I say that because there have been sooooo many women…. I have lost count. When I get upset whenever I discover that yet another random woman, client, high school friend, or ex-girlfriend has contacted him to flirt with him or talk to him about inappropriate things. He says that I punish him for other people’s behaviors and that I am “abusive” and that he is an “abused husband.” I feel that I have the right to question the appropriateness of these “relationships” or conversations. They are hurtful to me and make me feel ugly… as if I am not good enough.

Three years ago, I was pretty certain my DH was having an affair or, at least, toeing the line of having one. Our marriage was really struggling and I didn’t even recognize my DH anymore. He was acting so differently and absolutely checked out of our marriage and kids. One night, my DH had a little too much to drink. He was showing me a message his brother sent and I noticed one message from my BIL invited only my DH to a family party. In his message, he hinted at hooking my DH up with a couple of young women. I asked my DH if I was understanding that correctly…. That his brother was trying to set him up on a date and my DH, quite buzzed at this point, said yes. He admitted that his brother was doing exactly that. We had a lengthy conversation about it. This cut me to the core. I was so shocked that someone would go after my marriage so aggressively and not care that it could cause us to divorce… that it would permanently scar my children.

This led to many fights with my DH. We were struggling as is. What hurt me the most is that my DH did not stand up for our marriage, our family, or me. He did message his brother and told him not to send messages like that anymore because “my wife saw it and got pissed”. My BIL was furious and told my DH that the entire family never liked me. My BIL talks smack about every person in his life…. Seriously, everyone. I’ve heard him say the ugliest things about his wife, kids, inlaws, parents, siblings, best friends, you name it. What I have never understood is why don’t others realize when he is trash talking or spreading lies about others that he will do the same to them? Nope, instead they crowd around him. It’s like the movie, Mean Girls. No matter how horrible they are, people still fall in line to hang out with them. I don’t get it.

SO… here is my dilemma. In a few days, there is a family reunion and we have to go. I say “have to” because my MIL is in poor health and we don’t know how much longer she will be around. I am positively ill about going. My BIL has spread so many lies about me… possibly things my DH has made up about me to justify his own behavior (i.e. being abused). The allies I once had in the family have turned their backs. I have to go and spend time with my MIL… at least the dinner and part of a reception. The rest of the time, I will excuse myself with a migraine or some other excuse. How do I handle being in a room filled with people and no one speaking to me? The last family event I went to was positively painful. A few people said hello but when I did make attempts at conversations, everyone would stand in awkward silence. Very uncomfortable. Even the kids avoided me.

I have accepted that most, if not all, will avoid or ignore me.
I have accepted that these people have heard so many lies about me that they believe that I am something I am not.
I have accepted that my DH will not back me if anyone is rude and will likely blame me for anything that might go sour. (This issue will be dealt with at a later date)

Can anyone suggest how I can survive this brutal experience?