How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship?

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This topic has 21 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 1 month ago by Mishy.

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February 6, 2016 at 10:00 pm #95168

dreaming715
Participant

I met a man seven months ago. We originally met on a dating website. He’s six years older than me and a doctor who is halfway through his residency. When we first met there was an instant connection. Our first date was to meet for coffee. Coffee turned into dinner and a long night of talking and laughing. I fell extremely hard for this person. He absolutely captivated me and made me feel excited about life again. He made me feel special and wanted.

After about two months he started to withdraw. I can’t pinpoint anything that prompted this. He just started texting me less, making less of an effort to see me, and he didn’t always seem engaged in text conversations. I asked him if something had changed and he said he was just “very busy with work.” We ended up taking a break and then re-connecting.

During this reconnection he seemed excited about me again. He even asked to see each other “exclusively” and we agreed we’d take down our dating profiles. Needless to say I was ecstatic. In early December, he started to withdraw again. He invited me out with his friends for the first time (he didn’t introduce me to anyone as his “girlfriend” but he did kiss me in front of them, although he was probably a little drunk). When we went home that night he started expressing doubts and saying things like, “I don’t know if I can give you what you want.” Well, when I left his apartment the next day he didn’t contact me for one week. I knew he was going out of the country to see family so I texted him to at least wish him a safe trip. He texted back a day later thanking me and wishing me a good holiday. Honestly, I was crushed. I was so excited about being “exclusive” with him and meeting his friends. Then he just disappeared for a week and didn’t make an effort to see me before leaving the country. We didn’t talk for about three weeks and I honestly assumed he wasn’t interested in me and thought it would be best to move on, even though I was heartbroken.

When he was out of the country I met a new guy at a friend’s birthday. He seemed interested in me and I went on a few dates with him, just to see if it might amount to anything I guess. Well, that ended, we just weren’t right for each other. The doctor came back from being out of the country and eventually contacted me. We got together and things were great, then like usual he withdrew. One night as we said good-bye and he said, “I’ll text you tomorrow.” He never did. It took him three days to reach out to me.

I told him more than once I wanted more with him. I looked forward to every text, I savored every meet-up, I never wanted our time together to end. I also want to note that during the seven months we knew each other he never ONCE came into my apartment or expressed a particular interest in seeing the inside of my place. He would pick me up in his car and then we’d go on a date and then go to his place.

Anyways, he ended up finding out through a friend that I went on dates with another guy while he was out of the country. I took responsibility, apologized profusely, and told him I was confused and wasn’t always sure if he wanted to be with me.

Well, he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I have several things of his and I asked if we could meet one last time for closure and so I could give him his things back. He cancelled twice, said he was in no rush to get his things back, and that he didn’t “need closure, he already had the closure he needed.” He said he’d contact me sometime when he was free to get his things.

Here’s where I’m at:
– I understand this person doesn’t care about me. I also understand they probably never liked me in the same way I liked them.
– I understand I made a HUGE mistake in getting involved with another guy while he was out of the country. Please know I’ve been beating myself up over it and I feel a lot of shame.
– I feel a lot of loss and have been crying every day knowing I’ll never get to talk to or see him again.
– I’m just completely heartbroken.
– I can’t believe I developed strong feelings for someone who constantly acted un-interested in me.

How do I heal from this heartbreak? I just want to forget about him. I think about him throughout the day though and would give anything for him to grow to love me. How do I accept he never did and never will? How do I move on?

February 6, 2016 at 10:58 pm #95171

Heikki
Participant

Hi Dreaming715,

I am going through a similar situation myself. I too feel for a man only to have him withdraw multiple times, lessen his contact with me, and leave me in a state of confusion, as his words did not match his action.
I can only offer how I am going through this and maybe that can help. I began a journal and am filling it with words, expressions, and meaningful sayings that I want in a relationship and partner. Each time I find myself in a great deal of pain, I open this up and make myself feel the words I am adding. It has really helped a great deal and in a teaching I heard by Abraham Hicks, you have to feel the emotions of having that relationship before it comes.
Also, look at this relationship as a stepping stone. I opened my heart fully to someone, and that feeling was amazing. However, I didn’t want to spend my time being with someone who wasn’t emotionally mature enough or ready for a relationship. Being with him helped me realize the qualities I did want in a man and that I deserved no less. Spiritually, I realized that from my love, my ex has been able to grow to be a better person himself. I am sure that you must have had the same effect. It’s a nice closing thought to letting go.
And please do not feel blame for seeing another man while he was away. A man who is truly interested would have made an effort to connect with you while away, and would have never left doubts about his interest. Think of how you want a man to treat you in that situation. As for his things, I would tell him to pick them up now. It doesn’t help the healing process if he pops back up when he feels its convenient and is emotionally withdrawn, when you might not have fully moved on.
Lastly, allow yourself the moments of feeling pain. But then afterwards connect spiritually to help heal it.
Best wishes.

February 7, 2016 at 12:26 am #95172

Bakedbean
Participant

Hi

Firstly sending you hugs. Heartbreak is the worst. I think the poster above really nailed it. I would say definitely get him to pick up his stuff asap. Remove all physical reminders of him, don’t necessarily throw them but out then out of sight. Google broken heart and soak up the advice. That helped me heaps.

Forgive yourself for dating another guy. You did nothing wrong!

I’d say it’s important to note that this guy has been unreliable, uncommunicative, unloving and unfair.

Use this time of acute pain to give yourself love, kindness and friendship. What would you say to a friend who was going through this?

The emotions will come and go, they will lessen over time – time is definitely the best healer –

Sending much love

BB

February 7, 2016 at 4:33 am #95173
Inky
Participant
Hi dreaming715,

So many things:

1. When I hear “doctor”, “medical school” or “residency” those things are NOT compatible with a relationship. They genuinely are too busy and their minds are elsewhere.

2. The guy doesn’t text/call/see you, goes out of the country and expects you to be waiting around? Are you a lady in waiting? NO! Of course some other dude is going to find you! What did the man expect?? NO need to apologize. NONE!

3. He’s leaving his stuff at your house and you can’t even get rid of it! This tells me:
A) That he’s marking his territory
B) That it’s not over until he says it’s over and
C) That the stuff represents HIM! You can’t even contact him to make a firm date!!

4. Tell him that if he doesn’t make a firm date to pick up your stuff that you will leave it on the curb at 8 AM (rush hour) on a certain date for him to get it. And in your text take back your apology. Say that you were RIGHT about dating other guys.

Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
February 7, 2016 at 7:42 am #95176

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

On the list of where you are at you wrote: “– I understand I made a HUGE mistake in getting involved with another guy while he was out of the country. Please know I’ve been beating myself up over it and I feel a lot of shame.”

This stood up to me as … not a true, realistic view of what happened. As I see it, you did not make a mistake, neither small or big, seeing the other guy. Beating yourself up for it is unnecessary, not fair to you! Feeling shame about it, no reason!

I think the doctor kind-of-boyfriend used the fact that you had a few dates with the other guy so to justify himself in completely withdrawing from you, a process he was already engaged in. It would have been honest of him to tell you the real reason he was completing his withdrawal process instead of lying to you.

So you had a relationship with a man who was not honest with you, that is the shame.

Hope you post again.

anita

February 9, 2016 at 1:39 pm #95597

Kristy
Participant

I am doing the same thing. While it is still new, we fought a lot. It was because of my insecurities, in which I’d bring up issues where he wasn’t texting me enough, when we were going to hang out, and it always seemed I wanted more from him than he was willing to give me. Though we were only together a couple months, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, and I fell for him. I am the one that is left to put everything back together, as far as emotions and hurt go. He says he cares, but he doesn’t care enough to give me another chance, or want to be with me again. For me that’s very difficult to accept, because he wanted to be friends, but not date. I am coming to terms with the fact that it is very likely that he didn’t want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him, and I am going to have to let that go. I know that even though we fought about small things, they were big enough for me to see them as issues. Even though I know he is not the one for me, it still hurts, and it will be even more difficult for me to let people in, in the future. The only thing I can say is to take it one day at a time. I hope that because there is a lack of fulfillment in these relationships that we find and soon end, there is someone out there who make us feel fulfilled, and as if all the pieces fit. We won’t have to wonder, because we’ll know. At least I hope that’s how it works.

February 9, 2016 at 7:47 pm #95638

dreaming715
Participant

All of your responses have been a source of hope for me. Thank you so much!

Just a quick update: He still hasn’t contacted me about picking up his stuff. This is hurtful because he has an opportunity to talk to me or at the very least see me one last time and I know he’s not in any rush to do so. I haven’t contacted him because I actually have an appointment with my therapist in three days and I kind of want to hear their perspective one what I should do from here.

I don’t know why but there’s this part of me that wants us to meet for coffee one last time, talk, laugh, hold hands, and leave with one happy memory.

Is this crazy? Why do I feel like this will give me closure? Maybe because I’ll know on some level he did care about me enough to leave with one happy ending. But what does it matter what he thinks of me anyways?

February 9, 2016 at 8:16 pm #95639

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

I would guess that you want to meet him for coffee one last time so to get a repeat of the feelings you had the first time you met him for coffee: “Our first date was to meet for coffee. Coffee turned into dinner and a long night of talking and laughing. I fell extremely hard for this person. He absolutely captivated me and made me feel excited about life again. He made me feel special and wanted.” (from your original post).

I don’t think it is crazy to want to re-experience such an experience, to feel excited about life again. What do you think?

anita

February 9, 2016 at 8:18 pm #95642
asher
Participant
Honestly I felt that this man wasn’t worth the trouble. A real man would never do that to a lady regardless of how busy he is or what his life may be like. I know from experience we keep in constant touch with the people we love and want in our lives. Even if we can’t see them often we find ways to communicate to show our interest and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. From the way you describe him it seems to me he is a little lost with what he wants. I feel that this person is battling with his heart and mind, usually you would want to avoid people like this because they are the ones who would walkout on you because they truly don’t know who they are or what they are doing half the time. I’ll say it’s an experience and it will definitely be a little hard to move forward but try to make a better version of yourself while in this process.

Trust me and take my word for it you did nothing wrong in this by dating another man just keep your head up high and focus on you for now.
Like the others said above you text him and tell him to pick his stuff up or you’re going to throw it away in the garbage.
He was only hope that things get better, and when something doesn’t work out it’s because it wasn’t meant to be. Think about it do you see yourself with a man for the rest of your life that doesn’t care about you? Or has the slightest idea that he truly desires you?
- This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by asher.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by asher.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by asher.
February 9, 2016 at 8:50 pm #95648

Phil
Participant

Dear Dreaming 715,

I want to say first that I am sorry for the way things turned out. It seems like he wants you on his terms or not at all. This is not a two way street by the appearances that I see. Until things are committed either of you should be able to see whoever you want. Commitment shouldn’t be based on one-sided interpretations of facts. But, rather, a mutual understanding of the facts. You may have heard this before…you can’t lose something that you never had in the beginning. I know what I am saying doesn’t make you feel any better. But, hopefully, it might give you another perspective.

Phil

February 10, 2016 at 9:37 am #95679

Heikki
Participant

Hi Dreaming715,

I understand the wanting to see him one last time to have coffee and laugh and end on a happy note. I’m a big believer in following your heart when connected to source. If you imagine what this would scenario would be like, do you think it would be what you’re imagining? Even if it did go well, do you think you could detach yourself from the idea of being together again because it was such a great time?

Hope your therapist has insight.

February 10, 2016 at 6:43 pm #95734
dreaming715
Participant
Thank you for the replies and helpful, encouraging insight. Heikki: If we met, I do think I could detach myself from being together. I know we weren’t meant to be but I feel leaving on a happy note would bring me some peace and closure. Almost like it wasn’t all for nothing and that what we had was special, even if it wasn’t meant to be for the long run. Is my imagined scenario reality? I honestly don’t know. I feel like it’s a coin toss. He also still hasn’t contacted me to get back his things and its been 5 days since we last texted. I know there’s a possibility he could take it as a chance to disappear and I could never hear from him again. This would probably hurt the most. The things I have of his aren’t anything super special. He could easily replace them.

So I read that when you’re used to being co-dependant and you want to find happiness alone, you should “date” yourself. Basically if it’s something you’d typically want from a significant other, you do it for yourself. Learning “self-love” while being single is difficult and foreign to me.

Well, every Valentine’s Day for several years I was given flowers and/or small gifts from a significant other. It was something I enjoyed so I’m trying to do that for myself this year. When I was at the grocery store I bought a bouquet of flowers that I could put on my desk. I also bought sea-salted caramel gelato and a brownie (yeah, I know I’m several days early with all of this). On the car ride home I was thinking about how it didn’t feel the same doing all of this for myself. I didn’t have that “warm, fuzzy” feeling or a feeling of surprise. I ended up sobbing on the drive home because of the heartbreak and knowing that I don’t have intimacy or companionship right now. I thought the flowers and stuff would make me feel better. Not really. Maybe I have to get used to the feeling of being alone first.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by dreaming715.
February 10, 2016 at 7:26 pm #95746

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

i wish it was possible for me to not feel “warm and fuzzy” when eating a good, extra chocolate, dark fresh brownie. Or any brownie for that matter. Due to the recent craze of adding salt to chocolate, I am trying that for my cocoa cereal and there is potential there. But I digress. But really, this did catch my eye, to not feel warm and fuzzy eating chocolate is a mystery to me. I am still digressing, aren’t I?

About self love and dating yourself, I never heard of it stated quite like that. I suppose it takes two for a date, doesn’t it? I think so. Please do post again, how you feel… and “dreaming” your user name, dreaming of… love?

anita

February 10, 2016 at 7:40 pm #95750

dreaming715
Participant

Sure, I guess I felt “warm and fuzzy” in the way that I was numbing my emotional pain and filling a void with copious amounts of sugar?

And “dreaming” of being content being alone.

February 10, 2016 at 7:51 pm #95751

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

Not sugar, chocolate. But no, I am not recommending eating so to numb feelings, no! So thank you for pointing out the thing to not do!

And about dreaming of being content being alone… You are probably already content, at times, being alone. But now, you are grieving a relationship and that hurts. I am sorry you are hurting!

I read a bit of your original post just now. You wrote he made you special and wanted and in the post before last you wrote that you wish you met him last time so to feel that there was something special between the two of you.

It is so beautiful, warm and fuzzy and more… to feel special, wanted and it is devastating when that special is taken away.

If it can be of any help, please do post again…

anita
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