Hi Amelia_R,

Sometimes people need “little hurts” for them to permanently change their behavior. He may think drugs and lying (all once in a while, of course *sarcasm*) are no big deal. But you bet your butt he will remember the time when his amazing girlfriend broke up with him over it! Then, every time he lights up, every time he sees his “friends”, every time he buys (or sells!) he cannot help but to think of the one big thing he lost over all these “little” things ~ you!!

You are actually giving him the greatest gift of love. Sometimes love means sacrifice. Tell him that you can’t deal with the drugs and the lying anymore. That you are taking a break. To call you in 2017. You may be available, he may not. He may be available, you may not. He may be still using. He might not. But if there is a slim chance for him to be clean and with you in the future, THAT will give him something to fight for!

Then, yes, go out with this other guy.

Let’s say that your BF does move on and sees someone else. Guess what? She, too, will think it is getting old. The older we get, the less tolerance ANYONE has for this crap. Even his “friends” will grow out of it. Eventually, yes, he will become a regular person. I hope.

Blessings,

Inky

Well, for me personally, drugs are a deal breaker. Now, I’m not perfect, so I’m not being all judge-y! I have minor children, and I have already seen first hand death, addiction, prison records and ruined lives among their peers. And to be (I’m assuming) in your twenties and people continue with that nonsense? It’s just not worth it!

And the lying? It doesn’t matter what the person is lying about, where is the bond if that trust is broken?

Deep down when people know you are right, their defenses come out and try to turn it around to look like you’re the one with a problem.

I think he MAY change, eventually, but you are not the one to make him do the right thing or wait around until he grows up. You CAN leave. Then maybe revisit the situation with a fresh perspective in the future.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Amelia_R,

I have to say that I agree with Inky and Anita, you need to take a break from your relationship from him. I also agree with Anita that he manipulated you.

He tried to twist things around and blame you for being paranoid and suspicious. You have every right to be suspicious of his actions, he has to earn your trust back, it is not simply given to him because he said he’d change. Change takes time, and little by little he should be working on proving to you that he meant what he said. Until then, you have every right to be cautious and suspicious. I certainly would be if I were in your place. You need to be aware of what he is up to if he is to gain your trust back and he needs to understand that. If he’s not willing to do that, to tell you what he’s been up to and all other sorts of things, well then how are you supposed to see if he really is making the changes he needs to in his life? Someone needs to hold him accountable for his actions, and that should be you because it was to you that he told that he wanted to change and that the drug use had gotten out of hand.

The point is, he lied to you. Even one small lie can plant doubt in a person’s mind, and this is not a small lie. It has been repetitive lies that you have evidence about and he has been unwilling to own up to.

I have been in a similar situation, my ex boyfriend is a drug user, smoker, and drinker. The drug use wasn’t such an issue when we were together because he only smoked pot every once in a while and hardly “popped pills”, but the drinking always was an issue. He was always getting drunk and lying to me about it. He didn’t stop once I confronted him about it and told him I didn’t like that. He said he’d change, and I told him I didn’t him to change simply because I said so, but he insisted it was what he wanted. Well, he simply got better at hiding it. What started with small lies escalated into big problematic lies. He would lie about his whereabouts, who he had been with, etc. I tried to trust him and gave him the benefit of the doubt, but ever so often those lies wouldn’t add up and he’d end up confessing. He lied to me about other things as well, many things. Here we are, 4 years later, and he now smokes pot about everyday, gets drunk all the time, and he’s admitted to doing cocaine.

Now, of course your situation could play out very differently. What I am trying to say though, is that if you are feeling unsure, then you need to do something about it. He can’t be trusted simply because he said he’d change. Saying and doing are two very different things. You also need to keep in mind that once you start lying, well, it becomes easier and easier. I’m not perfect, and I’ve lied, and yes it does get easier and easier. The lies just keep building up. Some people are better than others. I am ashamed of lying, but I have to say that once you start lying you have to keep lying to protect that one initial small lie.

You feeling that sense of dread, well it can’t be pleasant at all. That is not something you should feel, maybe once in a while it is all right, but continuously, not at all. Give your relationship a break, evaluate his actions, efforts, and your feelings about the situation. Then, decide what to do from there.

In the meanwhile, I’d say to give the other guy a chance. Who knows, something great could come of it.

Also, regarding your guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You weren’t the one who did anything wrong. He has no reason to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong. He is making you out to look like a paranoid, delusional person every time you confront him, and that is no good, because eventually you’ll start questioning whether you are overreacting, which you all ready are.

Regarding the drugs and lying, well that’s even worse when you put the two together. Drugs cloud a person’s judgement, makes them act and feel differently, I’m sure you all ready know that though.

Dear Ameila_R:

If you choose to give him another chance, I would suggest that you give him another chance without demanding it from yourself to trust him. Your trust in him was broken at this point. So it will need to be rebuilt if it is to be again.

For as long as we are distressed, our thinking is not that effective. I call it “Thinking under the influence of distress”- not that different than drugs, strong emotion does not allow effective thinking. So calm yourself, and post again. This doesn’t have to be solved now or today. Give yourself the time you need.

anita

You are welcome, Amelia. Excellent plan. Please post again when you are calm!
anita

I am a recovering addict and know first hand how my using destroyed several relationships. I believe myself to be a decent person, but when I used drugs nothing mattered to me more than getting high. My word meant nothing ! I would have the best intentions of doing the right thing after the guilt & depression would set in after my latest binge – I truly wanted to not use, but a few days later when people forgave me I would go out and use again. The real change for me occurred when, I admitted to myself(truly admitted) that I needed help, became willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.That meant going into a halfway house and going to meeting daily-working a program with recovering addicts as such as myself. My now wife, we were dating back then told me she would not put up with another relapse, and if I chose to drugs over her than my actions were clear to her what really mattered to me. She would support me in getting clean, but she did not trust me. My actions/words going forward had to equal my words NO matter how small the lie maybe rigorous honesty is a requirement in all my actions. It was by living an this honest life. I finally have regained her trust, but it took some time. I am grateful to say that I am approaching 21 years of sobriety and 20 years of marriage, I have a home and a family that loves me. My suggestion to you would be to join an Al-Anon group. It will do wonders and help you to gain a better understanding of not only the addict. but more so yourself.It is the best gift you can give to yourself.
Take care

Dear Amelia_R:

I am glad you are back although I wish you felt better. I re-read your posts on this thread.

You wrote in the last post that with this relationship ending you are “back to square one” I think this “square one” is the same square one you were in when the 7 years relationship ended and it is the same square one that you were in as a child.

Wooo, how did I get there? How would I know what state of mind you were in as a child? (One may ask…i do, obviously)

You tell me, Amelia, if you will, about Square One. When did Square One start?

If Square One is as lonely, sad, in-a-daze, lost place I am imagining, and remember from personal experience, then this place, this Square One is a place you will do anything to avoid. No matter what the thinking, the lies on his part… no matter what, you will want to avoid it… unless you confront it and heal what needs to be healed.

Tell me…?

anita