This is going to be a huge step for me to reveal my ugly truth which needs to come out to the world, i need acceptance and  recognition.

Since i’m struggling with my identity and false-self (which i wrote in a couple of other posts) i thought that the best thing i can do to feel a little better is to reveal secrets about me and some of the things i wish to be healed in my life.

When i was about 13 years of age i was a very self-conscious and selfish, still am to some degree since i can’t find the solution to a problem which has been with me since then. The girl which knows almost all of my dirty secrets, since she is the victim of my narcissistic behavior which i played out on her because she was my victim to get money. I don’t remember exactly when it started to be about the things i got from her which made me do the things i did. In the beginning we only chatted for fun, and it was not anything harmful. She was madly in love with me and soon she started giving me gifts of money and i could not resist myself from receiving it, in addition to that i kissed her in return and soon this became a bad spiral which was impossible to brake. I used to call her and ask for money for things which i did not buy, i bought other stuff with the money. In total she gave me probably around 1500 euros back then for things i never needed and don’t have left. Now i am stuck with this same girl in my life, and we are in a endless bond which neither of us can brake. She still loves me endlessly, killing herself in the process. And i am killing myself in the process too, all my energy goes to hiding the truth away because i don’t want it to get out. She knows too much about me, and when she doesn’t get what she wants from me she guilt-trips me of the things i never did for her because i never really want to do anything with her anymore. We have tried being in relationships, had sex, done everything but i never get any feelings from this girl and obviously she has feelings for me.  Everything i give to her is because i feel guilty and when i give it to her she feels as if she ows me things which i don’t even want to have. She asks me out for dinners, pays my stuff when i don’t notice, asks me to expensive things which i don’t even want to go too. And then she complains to me that she is giving so much to me but i’m not getting nurtured so it feels like im only giving to her, because she is the only one enjoying the activities we do together. I never do, and i’m in constant bondage. I sometimes doubt myself, and ask if this maybe the right girl for me and that i might be able to heal or pay the karma by getting together with her but im so unsure about my feelings, i’m feeling numb at this point. I don’t want to be an asshole anymore, but i can’t stop it. She says she loves me and i feel pressured to say the same back but can’t and when i do it feels fake. To add to the problem, she is adopted which has core wound in her of rejection and abandonment, her best friend also died recently so i am the only person she knows which knew her as good as him. She uses all of these trauma to hook on to me and make me stay. I am literally slowly dying from within. I really don’t know what to do except turn to tinybuddha. I am feeling very ashamed of the things i have done, and i don’t know how to get over it. She insists to be my friend, and is in a very vulnerable state.

Thank you in advance