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How do I get over old issues

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  • December 12, 2017 at 5:44 am #181687
    Astrid
    Participant

    I have been in a relationship with a guy for about 18 months. He cheated on me in the first month with a girl (it was just a physical relationship) and then they continued chatting to each other till November 2016. Where I confronted him about being secretive. He didn’t cheat on me since then, but I still have a hard time trusting him. I don’t know what to do. A year has gone by and even though we both decided to start over on a clean slate I just can’t seem to get over the pain and disappointment of the cheating and lies. What should I do? Should I stay and work on the issues or just start over with someone else?

    December 12, 2017 at 6:26 am #181725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Astrid:

    Questions in my mind: were you conflicted this way for the whole last year of the relationship, were you checking to see if he was chatting with that girl during the last year, or with other girls… and did this conflict intensify for you lately, if so, under what circumstances?

    anita

    December 12, 2017 at 6:50 am #181731
    Astrid
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I have been experiencing problems with trusting him again. I checked on his phone but I didn’t see any conversations between him or any other girls other than his friends.

    I think it intensified once I knew who she was. I searched her on social media and I saw her a few times because I shop at the mall where she works at. I think a lot of comparison and insecurities also came into place because she is the complete opposite from what I am. It made me question the relationship a lot. As you can see I am still questioning it.

    December 12, 2017 at 7:17 am #181737
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Astrid:

    Yes,  can see you are questioning this relationship and wonder whether you should end it.

    You wrote that you met the other girl and she is “the complete opposite from what (you are)”- and that made you “question the relationship a lot.”

    Clearly to me, this comparison is significant: will you elaborate on it, on how she is the complete opposite of you and how is that a problem for you?

    anita

    December 12, 2017 at 7:31 am #181743
    Astrid
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Well, to begin we differ in the way we dress. I dress more modestly, yet fashionably, while she is someone that will expose more of herself. She is also someone that has very racy pictures online (the type of woman that lives for likes from guys). I don’t know her personally and I haven’t ever spoken to her so I’ve sort of made my judgements of what I’ve seen from her on social media. I’ve just been questioning what my boyfriend sees in me if that was the type of girls he use to get involved with. He also said to me that he use to think she is hotter than me and that he thought I was boring and clingy and that was the reason he cheated on me.

    He changed a lot this year and he has tried to show me that he has been faithful but I am still struggling to trust him.

    I’m still feeling conflicted.

     

    Astrid

    December 12, 2017 at 9:07 am #181759
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Astrid:

    It was very rude of him to tell you that he thought she was hotter than you and that you were boring. And this is how he explained his cheating on you, that she was hotter and more interesting?

    Did he change, no longer being rude to you or is he still rude in some way?

    Did he change by taking responsibility over his actions or is he still blaming you somehow (as he blamed you before, suggesting he cheated on you because you were boring and clingy)?

    anita

    December 12, 2017 at 9:18 am #181763
    Astrid
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    He owned up to what he said. Since then he has been working on communicating his feelings with me better. He only has positive things to say to me now. He even made plans for our future.

    Astrid

    December 12, 2017 at 10:04 am #181769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Astrid:

    But you don’t trust him. Why is that, do you think?

    anita

    December 12, 2017 at 11:23 am #181783
    Astrid
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I think I find it hard to trust him because he betrayed my trust a lot. First with the cheating at the beginning of our relationship and then when he promised me that he’s done he still continued to chat with her for “just in case we break up”.

     

    Astrid

    December 12, 2017 at 12:24 pm #181803
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Astrid:

    He stopped chatting with her November 2016, more than a year ago, you wrote in your original post. So for more than a year he has been faithful to you, correct? And he’s changed a lot, you wrote, communicating his feelings better.

    If this improvement has been gradual and going on for a year, maybe he is worthy of your trust.

    I think that your impression of his ex girlfriend, her immodest dress and showing off her body on Facebook, is fueling your distrust in your boyfriend. If, for example, your mother expressed strong dislike of such women to you, maybe suspicious of your father for being attracted to such, maybe that is fueling your distrust in your boyfriend. Anything like that at all?

    I will soon be away from the computer for about 16 hours. Hope to read from you when I am back.

    anita

    December 12, 2017 at 12:32 pm #181809
    Astrid
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I think forgiving him has been a stumbling block and although I said I forgave him I never truly did. Somehow I always held onto the pain and everytime I see this girl it brings up old emotions I thought I’d forgot about.

     

    You are right though and I do think that he has shown that he is worthy of my trust now.

    Thank you for your response.

     

    Astrid

    December 12, 2017 at 12:36 pm #181815
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Astrid. Post again anytime you’d like.

    anita

    December 13, 2017 at 5:32 am #181889
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Astid,

    Did you take him right back after he cheated? Did you at least “take a break” from the relationship after his dopey confession that this other girl was “hotter” and you were “boring”?

    I think even with a year of  surface-y good behavior from your BF you are still PISSED.

    You need to take your power back.

    Say you’re bored and need a break over the holidays. Casually post a picture of you with a hot guy over social media. Sit back and wait. Your BF will either detonate your relationship (good!) or he will probably get nervous now that he has all this excitement in his life over you potentially with a hot guy (“We’re just friends” you say. “We’re just talking” you say). After the New Year he will be that much more mature. Then YOU decide if HE is worth it.

    Best,

    Inky

    December 15, 2017 at 2:48 am #182267
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Astrid,

    Tell me, if your friend came to you & said my boyfriend has just said “that he use to think she is hotter than me and that he thought I was boring and clingy and that was the reason he cheated on me”, what would your response to your friend be?

    December 15, 2017 at 3:53 am #182297
    Astrid
    Participant

    Hi Inky

    I never took a break after he said those things to me. He is really trying to make things up to me. I understand that everyone makes mistakes and I don’t think I want to play games like that.

    Astrid

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