Hi Again!

A starter boyfriend is like the “first pancake”. When you make pancakes you always throw out the first one because it is burnt/ half baked/no good. Then you get jamming on all the other, perfect, golden, pancakes. Your REAL first boyfriend is the one you tell your grandkids about. This guy you wouldn’t  want to brag about. He will be “this guy I was with” as a cautionary tale, perhaps.

Hi Katie,

I’ve been in a relationship similar. I found myself in a fixing role, & this fixing role lasted for about 2 years. The thing is, in this fixing role, you very rarely get the breakthrough that you’re after, & tend to get trampled on. It is not your job to fix him, however much you think it is, even though you really want to, you really see the good side to him & even though you really love him.
I believe he may need some help in forms of a counsellor, to understand his perceptions on the relationships around him. Of course he has this skewed perception & of course it is not his fault, it is learnt behaviour as a child. He needs to break out of this & I feel that if he loves & values the relationship, he will seek help to do this, otherwise, I believe he will stay in an unhealthy relationship, as will you. At the same time, people will only change when they want too, & cannot be forced. He will feel comfortable the majority of the time with this way of thinking & behaving as it is established & familiar to him, change brings about fear in us, a fear that we feel unnecessary.
I’m not sure from what you said if you accept his bad & negative behaviours, but if you are, you’re reinforcing to him that it is acceptable & he will continue to go by this learnt behaviour as long as you go along with it. Breaking this will break the pattern & his mindset to “how things should be”. I believe the way you can do this is to talk to him when he is being negative or not very nice, explaining how it makes you feel using “I” messages ( http://www.encouraging-appropriate-behaviour.com/free-stuff/how-to-use-i-messages.html ) & encourage him to make positive changes to his current behaviour & ways. This will take time, it won’t happen overnight, it may even take weeks or months & there will be times when there are setbacks & problems. We all have triggers, & he needs to determine when & where his triggers are, as well as yourself.

it may also be good to look at this – http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ – because everybody recieves love in a different way. For example, I love my boyfriend to touch me (physical touch), so cuddles, kisses, holding my hand, his hand on my leg if we’re sat down etc, whereas my boyfriend likes me doing things for him (acts of service).