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How can I change the relationship?

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • December 11, 2017 at 7:29 pm #181677
    Katie
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I grew up in very different lifestyles. His father abused his mother and after they divorced he had children with 4 different women. His mother had a boyfriend soon after the divorce and they fought constantly, like really really bad fights in front of him and his siblings. His mother now raises him and his 2 siblings alone. My parents aren’t divorced my dad has a good job and I never had to worry about money. I love my boyfriend with everything I have. I feel like he definitely loves me but not always correctly. He is a little bit controlling.. maybe because of what he has picked up on as a child? He definitely has a skewed perception of love. He thinks I need to do favors for him or else I do not love him. At first I thought this was b.s. and he was just straight up using me but we have been together for 2 years now and I have researched more about abusive relationships and how most of the time the abuser has a skewed perception of what love is supposed to be like. This boy loves so hard I see it. He has such a love for animals. He has a lot of love in his heart I know this but I think he has a lot of pain as well. This is no excuse for how he treats me but. I have noticed that the more in love with me he falls, the stronger our relationship gets besides his bad side. It is sad yes and yes I have heard stories similar to mine that do not end up good but I can’t give up on him. Something is telling me there is wayyy more to him than just “controlling, abusive guy” He doesn’t express his feelings well, but I know that inside of him there is a young boy who is very vulnerable and scared of getting hurt. I think he has been hurt so many times in his life that it is second nature. A couple nights ago we had a bad fight and afterwards got together to talk it out… well actually, we broke up and he went to a hangout with his friends and got drunk, then asked me to get him to talk things out. So he was saying a bunch of stuff to me as he was drunk in my car. I could tell he was really struggling to express how he felt but it went something like this

    him: “you think you are perfect…. no you are too perfect.” and “you are not there for me in my life, you know I am going through a lot”

    me: “what are you going through?”

    him: “you know what I am going through”

    me: “how aren’t I there for you”

    him: “no… you are there for me. you just act like you do not know me”

    me: “you  mean because I am shy?”

    him: “maybe you just act like you don’t know me”

    him: “sometimes i just wish i could go back to before we were dating, i was so happy”

    me: “i just want you to be happy”

    him: “ha. so you want us to break up”

    me: “not even close to what I said”

    him: “I have been depressed lately”

     

    this went on all night. even into some of the morning… but in the morning he told me he didn’t really mean it. I think he did. I think everything he said is true but for some reason I am the target for all the attacks. I honestly sometimes feel like I am depressed too and want to go back to before we were dating, so I understand him. Later he kept denying what he said. I don’t know if it were because we ended up going out to dinner and having a really good time, maybe he didn’t want to ruin it. I just need this boy in my life. What do I do

    December 12, 2017 at 5:33 am #181701
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    He is damaged from his (non)upbringing. He has to be re-trained, but you are not the one to do it. The best you can do is, at the first hint of abuse, is to take yourself out of the situation (take separate cars to places so this could actually happen) and then stay away from him for a while.

    So if he disrespects you in a restaurant, get up from the table and LEAVE, even after you’ve ordered your food. Then don’t take his calls for a day.

    He’d apologize and then eventually become abusive again. A week later you’re at a coffee shop. He gets abusive, LEAVE (with your coffee LOL) and don’t communicate with him for two days.

    ETC.!, Etc…

    Eventually he will either learn how to treat people respectfully AND/OR resent you for making him act like a human being. Like I said, it’s not really your job and I’m sorry, he honestly sounds like a STARTER boyfriend. BUT! This is what you’ll have to do if you’re not “done” with him yet!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    December 12, 2017 at 4:34 pm #181845
    Katie
    Participant

    What is a starter boyfriend?

    December 13, 2017 at 3:27 am #181877
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    His childhood, like many children who have come from abusive, traumatic childhoods, unfortunately has left a very negative impact into his adulthood, and will continue to do so, until it has been resolved. You can’t “fix” him. This can only be done with quality Psychotherapy and medication for his anxiety or depression, bi-polar, etc. Any type of abuse, manipulation, control, should not be tolerated until the person has completed or attended Psychotherapy and the relationship should be re-evaluated. I do admire you for standing by him, but you have your needs too, and he is unable to give what he is not able.

    December 13, 2017 at 5:37 am #181891
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again!

    A starter boyfriend is like the “first pancake”. When you make pancakes you always throw out the first one because it is burnt/ half baked/no good. Then you get jamming on all the other, perfect, golden, pancakes. Your REAL first boyfriend is the one you tell your grandkids about. This guy you wouldn’t  want to brag about. He will be “this guy I was with” as a cautionary tale, perhaps.

     

    December 13, 2017 at 3:47 pm #182043
    Katie
    Participant

    Inky,

    Yeah… I see that. It sucks though because there are reasons I want to be with him and reasons why I value the relationship so much. We get along with everything except for this side of him. It is just really unfortunate. We have the same goals, we both want to live in Miami, we share the same love of animals, and so many good other good things. It just really sucks.

    December 14, 2017 at 2:17 am #182093
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I’ve been in a relationship similar. I found myself in a fixing role, & this fixing role lasted for about 2 years. The thing is, in this fixing role, you very rarely get the breakthrough that you’re after, & tend to get trampled on. It is not your job to fix him, however much you think it is, even though you really want to, you really see the good side to him & even though you really love him.
    I believe he may need some help in forms of a counsellor, to understand his perceptions on the relationships around him. Of course he has this skewed perception & of course it is not his fault, it is learnt behaviour as a child. He needs to break out of this & I feel that if he loves & values the relationship, he will seek help to do this, otherwise, I believe he will stay in an unhealthy relationship, as will you. At the same time, people will only change when they want too, & cannot be forced. He will feel comfortable the majority of the time with this way of thinking & behaving as it is established & familiar to him, change brings about fear in us, a fear that we feel unnecessary.
    I’m not sure from what you said if you accept his bad & negative behaviours, but if you are, you’re reinforcing to him that it is acceptable & he will continue to go by this learnt behaviour as long as you go along with it. Breaking this will break the pattern & his mindset to “how things should be”. I believe the way you can do this is to talk to him when he is being negative or not very nice, explaining how it makes you feel using “I” messages ( http://www.encouraging-appropriate-behaviour.com/free-stuff/how-to-use-i-messages.html ) & encourage him to make positive changes to his current behaviour & ways. This will take time, it won’t happen overnight, it may even take weeks or months & there will be times when there are setbacks & problems. We all have triggers, & he needs to determine when & where his triggers are, as well as yourself.

    it may also be good to look at this – http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ – because everybody recieves love in a different way. For example, I love my boyfriend to touch me (physical touch), so cuddles, kisses, holding my hand, his hand on my leg if we’re sat down etc, whereas my boyfriend likes me doing things for him (acts of service).

    March 25, 2018 at 3:16 pm #199415
    Katie
    Participant

    Poppyxo,

    That’s really good advice. I try to break his habits by explaining that it is not okay, sometimes even telling him the relationship won’t work. He has changed a little bit. Unfortunately before he never wanted me to hang out with my friends while now he does. Obviously I am going to hang out with my friends regardless of what he says so I guess he just learned to stop being so controlling. I don’t know, things are a little better I guess. But that’s also really funny that you mentioned love languages. I just took that test yesterday and also got physical touch, while my boyfriend got acts of service. I used to see him asking me to do things for him as another sign of being controlling, but after taking this test I realize maybe that’s not the case. I would get annoyed when he’d ask me to do things for him and he’d get upset when I acted like I didn’t care to help him. I definitely understand now that that’s just how he needs me to show him I care. But while I understand now he needs me to show him I care by doing things for him, I still think his reaction to when I don’t do things was a little unhealthy. He used to get super angry when I wouldn’t do things (maybe to hide his hurt), but now he is more understanding for some reason. He doesn’t get as angry. Maybe he is beginning to understand that I still love him regardless.

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