Now, it kind of kills me to realize that he may not be honest with me and his feelings towards me.

First of all, during my conversation with his best friend, she finally named his neuro-divergency: autism. Which didn’t come as a chock at all, one of my closest friends is also autistic and they both display a lot of common signs, the first one being very oblivion when it comes to communication. I don’t put the blame here. I know how it feels to be neurodivergent, I have ADHD/OCD, I am HSP and gifted child myself. But he never said out loud the name of it and I can’t stop myself from thinking that he was trying to hide it, I mean, he told me that he brain was slower than average and that socially speaking it takes him a longer time to bound with individuals. (and that’s another important point here)

Secondly, one of my friends who is his neighbor, talked about a situation with a guy who happens to be one of “my” guy’s friend, since beginning of May. My friend and I are really similar, in our characters but mostly in the situations with our two guys as mine was the former pub leader and hers is the current one.

Interestingly enough, the two guys aren’t that closes, they know each other but don’t have a lot in common and don’t necessarily hang out together. My friend’s guy is notoriously known to be a fuckboy who doesn’t want to settle down at all. The two of them were emotionally closes, he confessed a lot to her, and they spent 2/3 nights together without having sex. They said to each other that nothing would happen, and they were just friends. So, the situation was pretty obvious. And on top of that, “my” guy never saw my friend and “her” guy interacting with each other, so let’s keep in mind that everything he will say is completely based on pure assumptions.

Here is what “my” guy said to her: 1) On the 12th of May, the three of us were talking about the situation. My friend said “why people are so complicated?”, which I responded “it’s just fear which makes people acting in such a complicated way”, he said to me and only to me “you can’t say it’s just fear. Fears are based on the past and experiences. And it makes people take decision they regret”. At that point it was obvious we were talking about each other

2) On the 20th of May, “my” guy said to my friend what he thought: for him, my friend’s guy has feelings for her but he’s scared because he doesn’t know how to deal with that. Maybe he realized that he was becoming too vulnerable around you and hurt you before you hurt him. In addition, he also said that the next days would be hard because he may behaves to repair the situation and that would be by pretending nothing changed just to avoid confrontation, reassure himself that he was right and that she was just overthinking.

3)My friend told him by message on the 22th of May: “I think he’s too coward to face me once I say “we need to talk””, which “my” guy responded “He’s putting you in a horrible situation, you’re the one who needs to make hard decisions while he can only stay quit”.

4) After our clash on the 26th of May, the same day, he came to my friend and asked her if she wanted to talk. So, they spent their Sunday talking about her and her guy. And from that moment, I realized that they were both projecting onto each other. Him, me and her, his guy. I also really think that for him, it’s a way to understand what I think, what I feel and maybe to find a way to acknowledge his feelings and emotions under the cover of another situation. I think it is what happens, because everyone who knows my friend’s guy, knows that he really doesn’t want to settle down, if he shows up around with another girl, it doesn’t mean that he was trying to play mind games but simply that he is perfectly ok with the situation, moreover, they both said that nothing would happen and that it was only friendship. So, why would he bother getting hurt by developing more for someone with whom he already set u boundaries?

Now the situation with that girl which I genuinely don’t understand. First of all, knowing him and how his brain works, he can’t develop romantic or friendly feelings for someone he has known for only a couple of days. He promised me that before dating, they barely talked or even didn’t talk to each other. April and May were extremely messy for him. April because of the breakup, some issues with the association’s board and all of this led him to shut down at his place for at least two weeks without going out nor showering (he said that to one of his friends). And during May, well, I know he shuts down at least for 2 weeks because of me. I also know for a fact that he spent a lot of time with his friends, with the board and also with me. Yet, he assured me that he had feelings for her while one week and half before, talking about the 4 points I mentioned above with my friends. I know for sure he was projecting when he talked to my friends because all of his other advices, he gave to her, directly came from me and what I said during the breakup time.

Also, during April, when I knew he was having so much troubles with the board, I sent him a message in order to support him. In a pure friendly way, because he sent me a message to discuss about the situation with the association, we spent 5h talking about it and I gave him advices to deal with it. So it was obvious for me to send him a supportive message when I knew he wasn’t feeling ok and there was going to be a hearing with all the board. Yet he told me that for him, if he didn’t answer to this message it was because he thought nothing good would emerge from it. To what I said, ok yes sure, I got your point, but then, WHY didn’t you keep your distance with me in real life too? How comes it was less dangerous for you to be around me than responding to one simple message? How comes he didn’t keep his distance from me out of respect for her since they are supposed to be dating for a while now? Because as I remembered him, he told me that he kept his distance from her out of respect for me. So why didn’t he apply this to me as well? He said that he tried but I was the one going to him. Yes and no, I refer to what I stated in my other message for this point.

Another detail which tickled me a lot, I could sens that they weren’t physically close to each other. On the 26^th of May, when I saw the two of them saying goodbye, they didn’t even hug, he just pat-pated her. I mean, it was supposed to be one good month they were dating. He is the kind of person very tactile; he needs physical touches. He told me that he didn’t hug everyone but he selected the people; on top of that, I know for him being physically close to someone is deeply linked to being emotionally close.

I have the gut feelings that he dates her and feel more “ok” with her because he knows he is not as emotionally close to her as he used to be with me. His best-friend told me that he didn’t even tell her that we dated, he told her that he felt extremely guilty about me and him, that he felt surer about the other girl. But again, it was obvious he would persuade himself he felt this way, no? I mean, at that stage, when he told his best-friend, we were supposed to have said farewell three weeks ago to each other. She also told me that he was the kind of person who needs to feel that he fits into people’s expectations and if he doesn’t feel that he fits then he will overthink and most likely persuade himself of another truth which will deny his real emotions and feelings. And finally, she thinks that he started dating her because he is trying to forget me, because he knows that he is leaving our town in a couple of weeks and our country at the end of July. My friends also added that he knew he couldn’t allow himself to stay close to me because he knew he wasn’t in a good place and was on the verge to leave.

So I don’t know what to think, I know I’m kind of overthinking but at the same time, so many hard facts keep converging towards all of those assumptions, I keep receiving proofs that all of them are actually true, or maybe it just all comes from my mind because it makes me feel so bad about myself..

Sorry for all those posts, I just remembered another thing which definitely tickled me a lot: I have some deep feelings that he is not emotionally connected with her. Twice he baited on her. For one event beginning of May, according to some friends of mine who were there, she went to the place, looking and running all over to see him. He wasn’t here anymore, basically he left without noticing her. And end of May, he was supposed to be at an event with a friend, I know because I also went to that event at the very last minute and my friend told me that he told her he was supposed to go as well. He never came, his friend was alone, very mad, he didn’t know I was here, he was offline all day and until the day after.

I know him, I know if he really cares, he will make the effort to be present, mostly when he gives his word. And for the first event, in order to demonstrate my point: when it came to me, he used to wait for me to appear somewhere, to look after me when we had parties, gala or dinners together before being officially together. With her, I feel like he didn’t do these kind of efforts. I realized that during the ball where he grabbed my arm, he went to another party where she was, but we spent the evening together and he only waited the last 30min of her party to join her. And I know for sure he wasn’t even with her the day after because my friend who lives in the same corridor as him, saw him in the morning and they spent something like 2/3 hours talking together.

On top of that, I could pretty much track back his schedule over the last 2 months, it’s not rocket science because his week-ends, he was either with me and our friends partying, or with my friend talking in their shared kitchen for hours and during the week-days, I spent my time seeing stories on social medias about him being with his board or just with his friends all day and all night. And when it was none of that, so many of my friends told me “yeah I saw him alone that day blablabla, he was going to the laundry room blablabla”. To be fair, even when I didn’t want to hear from him, I always find someone talking about him to me and what he did during his day.

Basically for him and I quote unquote himself, being with someone and caring for someone is about communication and spending time together. So far if I look over the last two weeks and half, he spent more time with his friends and his board than with her. When we were dating, we always used to spend at least two days together, if not more, not because we didn’t have other plans but just because we wanted to see each other. So I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m just imagining stuffs for my own sake, but again, so far, is it really only assumptions if it based on what I clearly see and what people tell me?

To be honest, I’m not necessarily looking for a rebound, right now, I wish to have more understandings about his attitude, is it me who is imagining more than I should or is his attitude really suspicious?

And I’m so mad at myself because I can sens from miles away that the same situation than with my other ex will happen. My other ex is trying to come back in my life now. Remember, he was very depressed and such. I really thought he didn’t have feelings for me either. Well, now he made it clear that he wants to rebound with me.

Why do I feel that it will be the exact same with him? I’m not hoping something at all. As I said, now his conversation is in my spams and I am actually seeing another guy, someone who matches more my energy and level of ambition (he is the youth representative of our country for the UN).

I dated in total 5 guys on a serious business. There is only ONE exception who didn’t try to come back (and for a good reason: him being my sexual abuser). Otherwise even the first guy qi dated TEN (!!) years ago came back one month before and told me straight to the point that he wanted a rebound as well.

What is wrong with them? And this guy, I am sure he won’t be an exception. The story and the patterns are way too similars for me to ignore  and dismiss it. I know everyone is different, him as well, but there are too much similarities and apparently he talked about me a lot this weekend to his friends.

I am just tired of those feelings and to cry over him for NOTHING.

and also, what is romantic attraction then? because so far, romantic attraction deals with a deep emotional connection isn’t it?

According to this website, here are some signs of romantic attractions:

• You’ll feel an emotional connection. In other words, you’re attracted to them as a person and not because of their body. You like their imperfections, opinions, mannerisms, and so on. While physical attraction is still important in a relationship, your emotional connection is more important.
• You like them for their personality. While friendships and even sexual relationships can be based on personality too, a romantic relationship brings personality above anything else.
• You like hearing their opinions. Even if you disagree, hearing this person out makes you happy.
• You just want to be physically close to them all the time, even if the feeling isn’t exactly sexual. Sometimes you just want to cuddle up to someone.

How is that not what we used to have and feel before and during the dating phase? Personality wise, if we didn’t match, we wouldn’t have been spending so many nights talking, physically closes yet nothing sexual in between.

Both of us cared a lot about the other’s opinions, again, we confessed to each other many things and we used to manage a lot of issues together.

– did you notice that you are expecting consistent, logical and well-planned behavior from a person who (if the story is true) was so depressed that he was prescribed with electroshock therapy aka Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT)?

This therapy is prescribed for people who are severely depressed or severely psychotic and who do not respond well to other treatments. One side effect of ECT is memory loss… that by itself can explain inconsistency.

To be honest, I am definitely not familiar with this kind of treatment. Apparently it happened almost a decade ago. I have no idea what was the starting point of it. I am very confused with this. I wasn’t expecting this to come up. Now I understand a bit more why I felt that he reminded me my ex. There was something similar in them, but I couldn’t put words on it.

I think that he wasn’t serious about you nor was he serious about her. I think that you imagine that the relationship was closer than it really was.

Yes, to be fair, some of my friends also told me that it wasn’t possible for him to be serious with someone so close to his departure. With his student room, he has a two months notice, he said to his best friend about him not knowing about going until summer with her, etc roughly around end of April/beginning of May. He will leave for his family summer house beginning/mid-July for 2/3 weeks and then he will leave our country on the 31th of July (I know, he told me that). Which also means, him moving out from his student housing end of June/beginning of July for sure. So basically, even before getting engaged with her, he knew exactly when he was going to leave. It wasn’t about him not being sure because of his feelings, but just him knowing perfectly that he couldn’t do so. Is he just trying to make him look better as individual than he is? I mean, as I said to his best friend, I know deep down he is a good person. However his current life is so messed that it makes him take the poorest decisions which make him look like the worst guy ever.

People say things impulsively, or so to people-please, so to avoid conflicts, etc.,  and then.. people forget what they say. It is you whose been remembering his every word; he doesn’t.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think this is it. Because last week, he assured me that he thought every words he told me, repeating some stuffs I even forgot and felt genuinely everything.

Verbal communication from one person to another often get distorted when it goes through one or more people in between.

Hm this is true but I would say that 80% of what I “heard” about him was said through messages tho and I got screenshots about him saying those things.

Oh my god, I am sorry for all those little posts, for some reasons I can’t update my messages. Anyway, I just remembered something else he said during the break-up: “I am happy with you, you are happy with me, we both make each other happy. So this how I realized I couldn’t develop romantic feelings.” and after he said that he felt.. “intoxicated” by this happiness, that he felt that he couldn’t bring in the relation as much energy as I did.. ?????? But i mean, we both agreed that we were at two different extremes: him having a slower brain than average, me having a faster one. Me with my hyperactivity, I obviously have more energy than average, he told me that he felt he was draining my energy without being able to give back.. As I told him, I didn’t mind, him being happy because of me, made me happy and him making me happy was the main source of my energy..

 Regardless, some people’s memories are significantly poorer than others’, for various reasons.

True but in his case, if I am being harshly honest with myself, I know he refuses confrontation, it’s a mix between his personality and a strong cultural trait. He also practices denial as I’ve never seen before. I use as proof the first time I asked him his age: he didn’t respond at first and I thought it was because he didn’t hear me, turns out that he was just ignoring my question, as he said afterwards. He is the kind of person who would prefer makeup his mind about a situation rather than admit he was actually wrong.

We had a conversation a few weeks ago about regrets. I told him, what is the point of keeping things for yourself? It’s better to say sorry than feeling that you missed out something. Regrets don’t make someone wiser, they actually make you less and less able to be brave and honest about yourself. They stop you from living what you wish to to live, they stop you from daring being happy and on top of that, make you doubt even more about people’s intentions. That was my point. To which he said: “regrets teach me life lessons, it’s because I have a lot of regrets from my past that I understand, that I can be more cautious.”. So basically, he would rather live with those regrets for the rest of his life, continuing to feel nostalgic about the past. He even told me after the breakup, I remember “if I lose you, I will most likely realize how much I actually care for you”.

Jesus, I just realized how much I buried from our conversations during the breakup phase. It’s actually good for me to write all over again about this situation, because it reminds me exactly why I keep feeling this way for him, why i felt that so many things were so off in his reasoning. I mean, I don’t pretend that my thoughts are the best universally speaking, but I don’t think that I have masochists patterns like this. I may be overthinking at some point, but I know for a fact that once I felt that I dug enough, I will not come back and will not feel regrets about anything, because I know I did all I could to understand and fix everything.

you thought at the time, after two years of therapy, that your issues in regard to your mother were resolved, but seems like the issues with her were transferred (as I suggested this to you on Oct 22, 2021) to your romantic relationships in some major ways, no?

Yes definitely. Although with this guy, it seemed that the situation was very different, he was very caring, he listened to me a lot talking about my issues, he spent so much time making me feel good, reassuring me when I was stressing over, he did that so naturally, before we realized that we wanted to be together. Him caring so deeply and without asking for something in exchange, that was one of the reason why I fell in love with him.

But it seems like something deeper was still buried in me.. To be fair, I don’t really know what, because I don’t have much contacts with my mother anymore for the past 6/7 months.