horrible compulsion of mine

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This topic has 28 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by sofia.

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July 24, 2019 at 4:05 am #304617

sofia
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hello, my name is Sofia and I am 15 years old. I have a downright terrible compulsion that makes me feel so much shame and guilt. my compulsion stems from past mistakes that I feel immense guilt from. The compulsion I have is to compare what I have done to what others have done. And sometimes these mistakes people have made are very bad, but when I compare what I have done to what they have done, I will feel better for a millisecond before I feel very ashamed for doing that. For example, if I’m reading about something someone else did in the past they feel guilt for, I might compare my past mistake to that. Sometimes I’ll even scroll up to a part to “verify” if it’s as bad as what I did (this is a very impulsive thing since it’s so easy just to scroll on my phone). If it isn’t, sometimes I’ll feel a feeling of disappointment. This makes me feel incredibly ashamed. It’s as if I want people to do these things. For the last week, I have done nothing but cried everyday. Last night, I accidentally cried in front of my dad and my sister, and they asked what was wrong so I told them this basically. They tried to comfort me but it wasn’t helping very much. Today I felt better than I’ve felt for a week or so, but I ended up accidentally crying in fromf of them again and they had to talk me out of it for a second time. This time I did actually feel better. I had a feeling of hope. But I started getting the feelings of hopelessness and guilt again so that’s why I’m posting on here. My questions are basically, am I a monster? Am I a redeemable person? Sometimes I feel like I have ruined my whole life. Right now I feel like I’m kind of okay, but still feeling very regretful and ashamed of myself.

July 24, 2019 at 5:40 am #304643

Inky
Participant

Hi sofia,

We are human and humans crave a pecking order. How do we know how good or bad we are if there were no other people around to compare ourselves with?

When people publish or speak of horrible things others have done, it’s a self soothing technique. We tell ourselves, “I may have teased the dog, but at least I didn’t ABUSE the dog like that felon did!”

Let’s be honest, if you hear that someone is a cheater and a snake, would you hang out with them? NO! Because avoiding them is a way to protect yourself, and make sure they get the message never to do those things again. It’s a form of social order.

No more tears.

Best,

Inky

July 24, 2019 at 7:12 am #304657

Michelle
Participant

Sofia.

At 15 it is pretty hard to do anything which ruins your whole life and very very few people, if any, are truly monsters and not redeemable. I really don’t see you as being one of them.

Everyone makes mistakes, it is how we learn. And that is what matters – not how “bad” your mistakes are compared to others – but making sure you learn from them. So if whatever you did has made you feel bad, work out why and what you would have done differently, so that you can know better next time you are in a similar situation.

Comparing yourself to others is a losing game – there is always someone better/worse, prettier/uglier, richer/poorer/smarter/dumber, you get the idea. In the end it doesn’t matter – what is important is how you feel about it and what you do about it. Feel free to share what mistakes you think you have made here, if that will help you figure out what you could have done differently.

July 24, 2019 at 11:36 am #304713

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sofia:

You feel very, very badly for mistakes you made. So you are trying to take away the bad feeling by figuring other people made worse mistakes.

The mistakes you made in your young 15 years life, I wonder what those are. I wonder if they really are mistakes. Maybe you imagine some of those things you did to be mistakes, but really, they were not.

Those things you did that were really mistakes, maybe you can correct them, for example, if you stole something, you can now return it, or pay for it.

What if you share here a few of your mistakes? If you do, I may very well be able to help you figure out what to do about those mistakes and get rid of that bad feeling, this suffering you are experiencing.

anita

July 24, 2019 at 12:05 pm #304721
sofia
Participant
Thank you Anita, my biggest mistake is very hard to explain since it has a lot to do with OCD I think, but I will copy and paste my mistake from another forum that I posted it on.

“I feel disgusting that this event ever happened and I feel so much guilt and regret when I look back on it. I’ve been able to live my life normally but it still makes me feel horrible everytime I think of it. I’m going to give some context before I tell the story though. Okay so I basically have an OCD sexual obsession for everything you are not supposed to be attracted to. And to make matters worse sometimes when I’m touched by someone I do not want to be attracted to, I feel something down there. I think it might be because of fear, because I do get the same feeling out of fear in other circumstances, and not because of anything sexually related. Anyways, what happened was I was sleeping over at a friend’s house (I was 13 or so) and her little sister jumped on top of my legs, and I think as a compulsion or something I wanted to prove to myself that the feeling I get down there when I get touched by people, I don’t want to be attracted to, is not related to being actually sexually attracted to them and it was just something that happened when anyone touched me. so I tried to get the feeling without realizing that what I was doing was wrong. I kind of pushed like I was trying to pee (I’m really sorry this story is so gross but that’s the only way I can explain it without not making sense?) To try to get the feeling. I don’t think that I thought of it as a sexual thing, and I know for sure I was not doing it for sexual pleasure. It was not like that at ALL. It was purely because I wanted to prove to myself it had nothing to do with sexual attraction. I’m not even sure if it counted as something sexual because I don’t even think what I was trying to do was have a sexual feeling since it was just like an anxious reaction I think. I know this story is probably really confusing and I might sound like a horrible person but I just had to let it off my chest. I accidentally did this two other times (not with the same person) without realizing what I was doing (one of the times was before this specific event and then one shortly after some how),. I don’t know how I made the same stupid mistake 3 times, I honestly just didn’t know what I was doing or something, it’s so weird. I don’t understand how I made the mistake again after feeling incredibly guilty. And then after I did it I would realize what just happened and hate myself. But after the third time I learned my lesson and didn’t forget it. Should I let myself move on or continue feeling guilty?”

I know that might be difficult to understand.. but now I compare myself with people who did worse than what I did. It causes me so much pain. I feel like an actual monster.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by sofia.
July 24, 2019 at 12:22 pm #304729

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sofia:

Because in your explanation of a mistake you made three times, you included so many of your thoughts, I can’t see clearly (in my mind) what you actually did. Can you post next only your actions, nothing about your thoughts and intentions?

Describe to me what took place, so I can see it as if I am watching TV, just the images.

anita

July 24, 2019 at 12:40 pm #304735
sofia
Participant
My friends little sister jumped on top of my leg, and I tried to have a response “down there”
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by sofia.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by sofia.
July 24, 2019 at 12:53 pm #304747

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sofia:

How did you try to “have a response ‘down there'”? What did you actually do after she jumped on top of your leg?

anita

July 24, 2019 at 12:55 pm #304749

sofia
Participant

I pushed as if I was trying to pee (I’m sorry that’s the only way I can explain it), I did not do anything that actually involved movement. I just let her lay on my legs.

July 24, 2019 at 1:12 pm #304753

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sofia:

I told you that I wondered if some of the things you think of as mistakes were not real mistakes? Well, I don’t see a mistake in this example, because you actually didn’t do anything. You pushed an internal muscle, but no external movement resulted. So no wrongdoing.

I see your confusion. You think that the thinking itself is a mistake, as if a thought by itself can be a mistake. And then, you think that feeling any particular feeling or sensation can be a mistake as well.

But a thought is never a mistake. A feeling/ sensation is never a mistake. Because thoughts just happen in our brain, we don’t choose them. Same with feelings and sensations, they just happen, we don’t choose them.

We choose actions, not thoughts and feelings.

Imagine the billions of people on the earth: every single person has sometimes angry thoughts, jealous thoughts, and every single person feels anger at times, and desires of all kinds, every single person.

Is everyone bad?

See what I am saying?

anita

July 24, 2019 at 1:27 pm #304755

sofia
Participant

Thank you so much Anita, I don’t think I will feel the need to compare anymore. But I still have guilt because I already compared what I did to actual stories of sexual assault/childhood sexual mistakes. Sometimes when I get the feelings of wanting to compare what I did to what someone else did, I’ll even look back at parts of what they said to verify if it’s “worse” than what I did. Does that not count as an action since I acted on an impulse/feeling? It’s as if I want people to do these terrible things.

July 24, 2019 at 1:59 pm #304757

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sofia:

When you compared stories, the comparing was a mental activity, happening in your brain, a collection of thoughts. No wrongdoing there. You disapprove of comparing, so you can stop comparing, every time you find yourself comparing, you can say to yourself: I don’t approve of comparing, so I will stop, do something else.

Like I wrote to you before, thoughts just happen, we don’t choose them. Whatever we think, it is our personal business, no one else’s. When we don’t like thinking certain thoughts and we notice that we are thinking them, we can think something new, like: I don’t approve of comparing, so I will stop.

Don’t blame yourself for thinking anything, as if you are a bad person for thinking this or that.

“It’s as if I want people to do these terrible things”- good news is that by thinking you don’t make anyone do anything, they can’t … hear what you are thinking. So your thinking is not dangerous to others.

Whatever you think, sofia, whatever you feel is okay. Everyone has thoughts and feelings that are not… pretty, or something they would like to tell others. No one has pretty, nice thoughts and feelings all the time- not a single person on the face of the earth.

Choose your behavior, choose to not look at stories of the kinds you’ve been looking for. It is not healthy for you to read and compare. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but it makes you feel bad.

I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours. Feel free to post again, anytime you want (today, tomorrow, the day after, anytime) and when I return I will read and reply to you.

anita

July 24, 2019 at 2:05 pm #304761

sofia
Participant

Anita, I don’t think you know how much those words truly helped me. No one has been able to help me as much as you just did. Thank you.

July 24, 2019 at 3:33 pm #304769
sofia
Participant
Anita, I’m sorry to bother you again, but I had another thought cross my mind. Since I feel like I’m wishing for others to do things to others that can cause much pain for the victim, does that mean I should feel pain myself?
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by sofia.
July 24, 2019 at 4:28 pm #304775

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sofia:

No, it doesn’t. Wishing something does not make it happen. Wishing is not a wrongdoing. It is a wrongdoing to make a wish like this happen by actually inflicting pain on another person.

But I can see, sofia, that you believe that you are a bad person and therefore, you should be punished. Tell me about growing up at home, early on, what happened over the years that caused you to feel like a bad child?

I am in and out, so take your time answering my question, if you choose to answer it. I will read and reply within a couple of hours.

anita
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