Before you write him off as being someone you don’t want, make a detailed list of what you do want to see in a guy you date. Not necessarily a laundry list, but at least 5 core traits that you need to see in someone. While he may have made some bad decisions in the past, living in the present with someone and seeing them for who they are in this moment is one of the greatest things you can do for love. You also may be at a place in life (i.e. college) where relationships can create strain when you want to focus on other things. Know where you are first, so you can have a better idea of what the best path is for you to take. Don’t let your and his past dictate your present.

Hi Denise. I don’t want to do the older, wiser thing, because I may be older but I do not know that I am wiser at all! If it’s any consolation to you, I am 30 years old and had the very same feelings and experience that you had ‘feeling it is special’ and not wanting to be away from this person…I used to cry when I had to leave on the bus and I only knew him a week and I’m usually very independent, and a lot of other strange things happened (coincidences, etc) that gave the romance a feeling of being ‘fated’ or ‘meant to be’. Eight months down the line, a baby on the way, and I see that I have fallen into a trap of trying to ‘help’ or ‘save’ someone who also uses their past as an excuse. I would say honour your feelings, be yourself, be true to yourself…but don’t sacrifice yourself for a relationship with someone who is in a different place than you are, and at such a young age too.

The other thing I would say is that it sounds like you are struggling to accept him for who he is. Being with him does mean accepting him and his past. You hold judgements about choices his mother made, and seem to have issues with his own decisions and where he is in his life. His mothers choices are not his fault. Do you have a strong value system? Does his align with yours? I cannot stress how important this is for the success of a relationship because if they do not align, in some ways you will struggle to respect this person because you are always going to be in conflict with their value system. It doesn’t mean you need to agree on everything, but there are core values that will come up again and again.

You can care about someone without being with them. I would say be strong, give it space, give it time – with loving thoughts…do not make the mistake I made…(although there may be no mistakes, only what was/is) but really, there is no need to rush on love. x

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by inthebliss.

To be honest I’ve been thinking more about this and it strikes me that if you re-read the title you chose, and what you have concluded with, you already know the answer in your heart.