Hi Anita

Yes, the plan is to move to chicago in January or February next year. I can see myself living in Dublin without any influence from my mother. I know she will never love me. I, don’t chase it so much any more. My feelings for her are of respect and sense of duty for my father who passed away two years ago.

marriage for some reason feels like the ultimate step in a relationship. I have always thought of it as the goal of a relationship. You are right. He hates change. He just got a better job and he is adjusting to it.

My issue is that, I was always told that when someone loves you, they don’t walk away from you. We have had a wonderful relationship but he is confused if he is staying away from marriage because of his demons or because it’s me. He doesn’t think it’s the later but I can’t help but take it personally.

on the subject of my mother, I did pick a fight with him after she fought with me. She said “i should’ve just aborted you when I had the chance. If it weren’t for your father, you would’ve never been born”. I asked him why I have to keep chasing him for what I want in a relationship. I have chased my mother a lot all my life for love, why do I have to do the same with him? That’s when I decided to walk away from us. Then I thought about how much I love him and gave him time to think about it. He then came back and said, he doesn’t feel good about it at all. First time he left to think because he felt disconnected with me. Now we are close as ever but he still doesn’t feel good about the ultimate commitment with me.

I feel like  suggesting counseling to him but I am not sure if he will agree.

I don’t know how to go back to Ireland. He is home for me.

I am sorry but i am not understanding what you have said above.

I know that I have issues and so does he. The fact that my mother doesn’t love me doesn’t determine my feelings for her. for me she will always be my mother. I respect all elders. i am kind to all so I don’t know why I would be any different to my mother. She fights her own demons. I cannot imagine how it was to be her. she came from a dirt poor family, married at the age of 10. She worked at my grandma’s farm more than 16 hours a day. The only thing that worked out well in her early life is my father. My father who was a kind hearted sweet man, grew protective of her once they came of age. She was abused for not been able to conceive. Than she was told that my father will have to be remarried to a woman who can give him sons. my dad never agreed to that but my grandmother made sure that the abuse and the guilt was laid thick on my parents. Before I was conceived, my mother went through many grueling religious and hack medical processes to make sure I was a boy. When I wasn’t one, She didn’t want me because she was sick and poor. My father fought to keep me alive.

I empathize with my mom because I couldn’t imagine myself in her shoe. Regardless, of what my parents views are for molesters and world in general, they gave me a comfortable life and made sure I had a fighting chance of being the best i could be. I am grateful to them. I am grateful for my mother for cleaning houses and coming home to clean and cook for me while I went to school. She isn’t a “mother” in the sense we except but she is one to the best of her abilities.

Anita, I know the parallels between me asking my boyfriend to love me in the conventional way, dating, moving in together, engagement and marriage way. And asking my mother to love me like a mother does where my tears don’t go unnoticed and I am allowed to be vulnerable. but I don’t see any other parallels. I am walking away from my love because I think I deserve better but my Buddhist teachings tell me to not have any expectations. We have a good relationship where we support each other and are friends. I am confused as shouldn’t that be good enough?

S

Thank you Mark. I have had a hard time and been dealing with the best of my abilities. I am a codependent and I went to a 12 steps meeting today. I am rereading the “codependent no more” book and I am determine to find the love within myself. I have been hard on myself but I had a mini breakthrough today. I found my old journal from 5 years ago and my coda workbook. I reread some of the months of my journal which I use to write in everyday. I was going through a breakup that time too and blaming myself for everything that went wrong. I also played the victim in my story. I was the villain and the victim. After crying for what seemed to be a long time on the floor, I had an insight. I have learned a lot from my journey earlier. I have been controlling in my relationship now and will be working on making sure that I am only responsible for my actions and reactions, not his. But it was a healthy relationship. It’s easy for me to fall into “I messed up” cycle but I didn’t mess up. I showed up authentically in my relationship. I spoke my truth. Raised my hand when I didn’t feel like myself and had to take time off. Went on solo trips. Really enjoyed my me time and really took care of myself. Yes, I had a relapse and fell into my codependent tendencies but I caught myself and owned up to my part.

I would love to keep working on my relationship with my boyfriend because I love him a lot but I won’t do it without him giving me the same authentic presence.

mark, I didn’t understand the “crucible” comment above. Can you elaborate or explain?

thank you

S