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Helpless

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  • #432856
    Laven
    Participant

    Alot of times I feel guilty for my feelings towards everything and also sharing. I feel like everything is always my fault and that I deserve everything. I feel embarrassed and humiliated for my feelings…and also my life experiences. I also feel like a bad person and feel like I shouldn’t feel the way that I do.

     

    I feel terrible for always discussing the heartbreak I’ve felt in life, and am currently going through.

     

    I’ve been minimized my whole life and I’ve learned very early in childhood that I shouldn’t prioritize myself, that everyone else comes first, and that my self, thoughts, feelings, problems, etc… I’m not important, neither are the things I go through.

     

    I feel overwhelmed, directionless, and stressed with life. Everything is weighing down on me and I can’t get up or move.

     

    Still very heartbroken and depressed over neighbor guy. It’s been 2 months since he ghosted me and it still hurts enormously.

    It’s disheartening and a struggle watching my foster mom deteriorate and suffer from depression..I mourn her former self and struggle to accept and come to terms with the new version.

     

    Even after how she’s always been towards me, it saddens me deeply to watch her struggle and suffer. I wish she didn’t have to. I also wish that she wouldn’t have dementia. It hurts to watch her struggle with deteriorating memory, and struggle to do and understand just about everything. She has to rely on me for a lot..she also calls me to help her multiple times a day. Today she couldn’t understand what her air conditioner did, the difference between a fan, air conditioner, and that the window doesn’t open when the air is on..

    She also calls me often because she forgets how to change the volume on her TV, what stations her daily programs are on, etc.. her doctor indicated that her memory is worse than last year.

    Despite everything..I just wish that this wasn’t happening to her..but it is and it’s very difficult on the both of us.

    #432861
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laven:

    A lot of times I feel guilty for my feelings towards everything and also sharing. I feel like everything is always my fault and that I deserve everything. I feel embarrassed and humiliated for my feelingsā€¦and also my life experiences. I also feel like a bad person and feel like I shouldnā€™t feel the way that I do“- what you described here reads exactly like how I felt as far ago as I remember myself. I felt Guilty, with a capital G. Guilty for everything, just like you wrote, and I was very ashamed of my feelings and my life experiences. I still do, more than I would like, but I made great progress and more to be done.

    It feels quite recently that I accept my emotions with little to no shame, and that I forgive myself for life experiences that I am not proud of, to say the least. I learned, finally, that I don’t choose my emotions, therefore, I carry no personal responsibility= no guilt for how I feel. Guilt applies to my words (spoken or typed) and actions when those are wrong. Not to my feelings.

    I feel terrible for always discussing the heartbreak Iā€™ve felt in life, and am currently going through“- please discuss your heartbreak for as long as you would like to,, and at any length you choose.

    Iā€™ve been minimized my whole life and Iā€™ve learned very early in childhood that I shouldnā€™t prioritize myself, that everyone else comes first, and that my self, thoughts, feelings, problems, etc.ā€¦ Iā€™m not important, neither are the things I go through“- again, as I read this, it is as if I wrote it. Growing up with my mother who guilt- tripped me a whole lot (telling me at great lengths how I hurt her, how she’s so hurtĀ  because of me), I believed that I was a bad daughter/ a bad person. No wonder I minimized something (myself) I believed to be bad, not worthy of having my own life. In my mind, she was good and she was the one who mattered; I was bad, and didn’t deserve to matter. So, I .. kind of lived her life, not mine

    I feel overwhelmed, directionless, and stressed with life... Itā€™s disheartening and a struggle watching my foster mom deteriorate and suffer from depression… Even after how sheā€™s always been towards me, it saddens me deeply to watch her struggle and suffer…“- I see that your empathy is with your foster mother, not with yourself. For the longest time, my empathy was with my mother, not with myself. Therefore, my life did not belong to me for the longest time. I let circumstances and other people determine what happened to me. I was Helpless (just like the title you chose for this thread, and with a capital H) in my own life, as in unable to make it better, unable to make my own choices for my own good. Guilty and Helpless, I too felt overwhelmed, directionless, and stressed with life.

    I hope it gets better.

    anita

    #432864
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laven:

    I just received online a document titled “Personal Bill of Rights”, meant for survivors of sexual and other kinds of abuses. It mayĀ  help both of us (and anyone who reads this post):

    “… I have the right to say ‘no’ to a request for sex, I have the right to keep others out of my personal space, I have needs and can take steps to meet them or try to meet them, I have the right to express my feelings in a nonharmful way, I have the right to make mistakes, I have the right to change my mind (and what I believe), I have the right to ask for help, I have the right to set a boundary, I have the right to be alone if I want to be… I have the right to set goals and prioritize them, I have the right to stop making unrealistic demands on myself, I have the right to stop blaming myself for things for which I am not responsible, I have the right to believe that I can succeed, I have the right to be healthier than those around me, I have the right to forgive myself when I am not perfect”.

    anita

    #432872
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Laven

    I think that your feelings are important and would like for you to share whatever your heart desires.

    From birth every child has inherent goodness. Yourself included. I think youā€™ve managed to keep your goodness against remarkable odds.

    Youā€™ve been told over and over that donā€™t matter. But you do. We all do. You havenā€™t had people take care of you in a proper way. There is nothing ā€œwrongā€ about you. The people who havenā€™t treat you with kindness are the ones who have wronged. Ā You deserved to be taken care of, just as much as anyone else. Iā€™m sorry that you didnā€™t get that.

    Iā€™m sorry that you have experienced so much suffering. You donā€™t deserve it. I think you deserve peace.

    Dementia is a scary disease. Itā€™s really hard as a caregiver. It changes people. Someone who used to be mean can become savage. Someone who used to be loving can become a nightmare to deal with. It can be hard to see someone slip away.

    There can be a lot of guilt for caregivers because of the difficulties of dealing with dementia patients. It can cause a lot of pain and suffering.

    Please remember to take care of yourself. Youā€™re doing an incredible job. Nothing about this is easy.

    Iā€™m sorry to hear that you are still suffering from your heartbreak. You are welcome to talk about it or anything else you like.

    Love and best wishes! ā¤ļøšŸ™

    #433290
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Laven?

    anita

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