Dear Laven:

“A lot of times I feel guilty for my feelings towards everything and also sharing. I feel like everything is always my fault and that I deserve everything. I feel embarrassed and humiliated for my feelings…and also my life experiences. I also feel like a bad person and feel like I shouldn’t feel the way that I do“- what you described here reads exactly like how I felt as far ago as I remember myself. I felt Guilty, with a capital G. Guilty for everything, just like you wrote, and I was very ashamed of my feelings and my life experiences. I still do, more than I would like, but I made great progress and more to be done.

It feels quite recently that I accept my emotions with little to no shame, and that I forgive myself for life experiences that I am not proud of, to say the least. I learned, finally, that I don’t choose my emotions, therefore, I carry no personal responsibility= no guilt for how I feel. Guilt applies to my words (spoken or typed) and actions when those are wrong. Not to my feelings.

“I feel terrible for always discussing the heartbreak I’ve felt in life, and am currently going through“- please discuss your heartbreak for as long as you would like to,, and at any length you choose.

“I’ve been minimized my whole life and I’ve learned very early in childhood that I shouldn’t prioritize myself, that everyone else comes first, and that my self, thoughts, feelings, problems, etc.… I’m not important, neither are the things I go through“- again, as I read this, it is as if I wrote it. Growing up with my mother who guilt- tripped me a whole lot (telling me at great lengths how I hurt her, how she’s so hurt  because of me), I believed that I was a bad daughter/ a bad person. No wonder I minimized something (myself) I believed to be bad, not worthy of having my own life. In my mind, she was good and she was the one who mattered; I was bad, and didn’t deserve to matter. So, I .. kind of lived her life, not mine

“I feel overwhelmed, directionless, and stressed with life... It’s disheartening and a struggle watching my foster mom deteriorate and suffer from depression… Even after how she’s always been towards me, it saddens me deeply to watch her struggle and suffer…“- I see that your empathy is with your foster mother, not with yourself. For the longest time, my empathy was with my mother, not with myself. Therefore, my life did not belong to me for the longest time. I let circumstances and other people determine what happened to me. I was Helpless (just like the title you chose for this thread, and with a capital H) in my own life, as in unable to make it better, unable to make my own choices for my own good. Guilty and Helpless, I too felt overwhelmed, directionless, and stressed with life.

I hope it gets better.

anita

Hi Laven

I think that your feelings are important and would like for you to share whatever your heart desires.

From birth every child has inherent goodness. Yourself included. I think you’ve managed to keep your goodness against remarkable odds.

You’ve been told over and over that don’t matter. But you do. We all do. You haven’t had people take care of you in a proper way. There is nothing “wrong” about you. The people who haven’t treat you with kindness are the ones who have wronged.  You deserved to be taken care of, just as much as anyone else. I’m sorry that you didn’t get that.

I’m sorry that you have experienced so much suffering. You don’t deserve it. I think you deserve peace.

Dementia is a scary disease. It’s really hard as a caregiver. It changes people. Someone who used to be mean can become savage. Someone who used to be loving can become a nightmare to deal with. It can be hard to see someone slip away.

There can be a lot of guilt for caregivers because of the difficulties of dealing with dementia patients. It can cause a lot of pain and suffering.

Please remember to take care of yourself. You’re doing an incredible job. Nothing about this is easy.

I’m sorry to hear that you are still suffering from your heartbreak. You are welcome to talk about it or anything else you like.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏