Dear John:

“Does anyone have any advice on how to practice patience when it comes to a relationship that is paused?“-

– (1)  If you don’t have one, create a daily routine for yourself/a structure to your day (all your waking hours), so you know what you’re supposed to be doing at any one time (resting should be part of the routine),

(2) Part of your daily routine can be, if it suits you, writing/ typing on Word “letters to (her name)” where you tell her about what you are thinking and feeling. Do this while listening to music, if it helps you to express yourself,

(3) Every time you feel like contacting her, thinking about how to do it, what to say to her.. don’t. Instead, do # 2 above.

You wrote “some things were said“- terrible things?

anita

Dear John:

“moving way too fast and saying way too much too early in a relationship…  I just need to practice the patience I am so desperately trying to learn…  I just need some support with patience“-

– Here’s a quote from Goodreads that’s relevant: “Patience is where we realize that to rush something is to compromise it to its own destruction. Maturity is to realize that the most effective way to stop the destruction is by beginning to develop patience. And the first place that we need to do that is with ourselves.” (Craig D. Lounsbrough, a counselor/ life coach)

Here’s a quote from the bible (1 Corinthians 13:14), also relevant: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

Quotes like these inspire me to develop more patience.

A major factor in learning patience is tolerating discomfort, to say to yourself, when uncomfortable (anxious, hurt, angry, bored.. impatient): This is merely uncomfortable, not intolerable. In other words, increase your tolerance for discomfort. It is an emotion regulation skill, aka distress tolerance. In developing distress tolerance, mindfulness practices are very helpful. Regularly listening to/ watching guided meditations, available free online, is one such practice.

For the impatient, it’s difficult to slow down as the guided meditation requires, but if you tolerate the initial discomfort involved, it will help you tremendously in learning/ developing patience.

anita

* Dear Tommy: when I read the ending of your (excellent!) advice, “I am sorry for my poor advice”, I had to tell you that I am a fan! Your fan, and more accurately, I am a Tommy’s Ego Fan (a TEF). I like your combination of humility and humor.

Dear John:

I went back to re-reading your posts because of Tommy’s reply and with his input in mind:

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes): “She’s asked for space, and I’ve really tried to give it to her… we are still in contact minimally“- better that you give her all the space she asked for. Otherwise, it portrays you as either too weak to stay away from her and/ or disrespectful of her need for space.

“Does anyone have any advice on how to practice patience when it comes to a relationship that is paused?”- a relationship that is paused is still ongoing, but it’s .. sort of, not alive anymore, yet it’s not dead either. This may be more difficult to endure long-term than if it was a relationship that was ended.

“Met a girl, we became really close, very fast… Things were said… in the line of moving way too fast and saying way too much too early in a relationship… I felt like I had to over do it so she wouldn’t lose interest.  I felt like I had to move quickly so that I wouldn’t lose her… I pushed too hard”-

– reads like Anxious Attachment Style, on your part, indicating you growing up with an unreliable parent: one that was present with you sometimes (enough for you to form an attachment to), but unpredictably absent too many times, for what felt (or was) long periods of time.  The absence could be a parent spending time outside the home, leaving the child behind with a babysitter, let’s say. It could be a parent staying in her bedroom for long periods of time, leaving the child alone, elsewhere in the house, or otherwise withdrawing affection from the child unpredictably.

Fast forward, the child, now an adult, forms a strong romantic connection to another, and the child-within panics, scared of losing the parent again, by proxy of the romantic partner (the parent gets projected into the romantic partner).

“The reason that this relationship means so much is because of how open and vulnerable I was, without hesitation from me or judgement from her.  I’ve never experienced that before”- before the relationship, you were too afraid to be open and vulnerable, with her you were open and vulnerable. Part of your openness was to express you anxiety about losing her, wasn’t it?

And that anxiety was too much for her to bear, so she needed space. Maybe she felt too much of a responsibility for your emotional well-being, as in having a needy child.

“Ugh.  I mean, it’s frustrating because of the self immolation that I constantly practice in my life”-

– from a website (save tibet. org): “Self immolation is a profound cry for help by those who feel they have no other way to tell the world about their suffering”.

You are welcome here, to tell about your suffering in ways that express- on the screen- the depth of your suffering, if it is something that may help you. (This is what I do in my own thread, and I find it helpful).

anita