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Help with long distance

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  • November 17, 2017 at 4:15 am #178487
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophie:

    I think you handled those two occasions after the fact very well, apologizing appropriately. I don’t see these two occasions as being a deal breaker, acts of abuse. If repeated, again and again, over time, they will add up, sure. But twice and then corrected- these are imperfections on your part.

    To correct, to avoid more such incidents, notice your distress before you express it to him. Stay with the distress, enduring it without reacting to it. Take a time out. When you are ready, you can and should express your distress to him… responsibly. You can say something like: I miss you. I wish the weekend was already here.

    No blaming, no going on and on about your distress, just stating it. If he responds with resentment about being made to feel guilty (maybe because of the two incidents you detailed), you can share with him what it is that you learned from those: to share responsibly, not blaming, but communicating honestly. Without honest communication, there is no honest relationship, after all.

    anita

    November 17, 2017 at 4:53 am #178495
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sophie,

    It’s not that long distance relationships never work (my sister has been in one for years and years), it’s more like most people can’t handle them well.

    You have a few choices here:

    1. Find a job within half an hour of him. Live simply. Or, he can move closer to you.

    2. Treat the relationship lightly.

    3. Don’t have all this pressure about seeing each other most weekends. I would almost rather have the pressure of seeing each other for an occasional long weekend, vacation or holiday than driving/flying out every. single. weekend. Maybe make it loose, like, “At least once a month. More? Great.”

    4. It’s OK not to talk on the phone. Let days parade by.

    5. Communicate through text, FB, Skype, etc.

    Enjoy the unique “rhythm” of you long distance relationship.

    Best,

    Inky

    November 17, 2017 at 6:54 am #178511
    Sophia
    Participant

    Thank you for your responses.

    I agree that I need to invest the work to make sure that our relationship strikes a healthier balance, and so that I don’t place such an emphasis on this being my means of support and happiness.

    Taking some of the pressure off the way that we interact and spend time with each other might be a good answer – in the back of my mind, I just worry that this approach will cause us to drift apart but, again, this is just me being insecure about our relationship.

    I will make sure I take a step away, acknowledge and rationalise my feelings before reacting to them in future. That can be easier said that done in the heat of a moment, but it’s important I make an effort to communicate in a healthy way.

    Thanks for the advice – hopefully things become easier. We’re looking to move to the same place within the next year. 🙂

    November 17, 2017 at 7:03 am #178513
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophia:

    It is “easier said than done in the heat of the moment”- but it is possible and greatly beneficial. It is a skill, something you practice and get better at. With enough practice it gets easier.

    anita

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