Home→Forums→Relationships→Help with approaching Asian parents regarding girlfriend
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anita.
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June 11, 2024 at 11:04 am #433717
anitaParticipant* A note for Tommy: Welcome Back!
anita
June 11, 2024 at 11:07 am #433718
BirdSong747ParticipantWow, anita, I just re-read your response multiple times and want to give you a hug. You’ve taken so much effort and cut right through the heart of the issue here… It’s incredible that you’ve voiced the very things I’ve been thinking of. I’m going to reply to some of your quotes here now, and thank you so much for the detailed reply!
– can you indeed see yourself possibly spending the rest of your- or her life- in the role of a caregiver?
This is one of my concerns, that I will end up as a caregiver, and while I could see myself doing it with joy within the context of marriage, I’ve come across too many stories where the caregiver spouse ends up harboring a lot of pent-up resentment, and I don’t think I’m of a unique, holier breed.
“She struggles with fine motor control, balance…my girlfriend’s cerebellum ataxia… the brain damage is permanent“- does she currently struggle with significant fine motor control and balance dysfunction that will make it unsafe for a baby to be held by her?
We believe so, yes. She frequently has jerky movements, and spills drinks or food all over the place. I did bring this up, while we were talking about the future, and she dismissed it saying she could wear a baby harness or something of that kind. As far as fine motor control, it does take her a while, bless her heart, but she can write slowly, and can even cook (operate a knife and other sharp instruments). As for balance, she cannot stand on one leg which is something I’ve noticed, and can’t run either.
– if her medical condition deteriorates, the relationship will change, will it not, from that of a couple to that of a caregiver and a care-recipient?
You are absolutely correct, and I know this is something that I shouldn’t feel bad bringing up because it is my responsibility right now to ensure if I am able to provide what she might potentially need as a care-recipient. Right now, I consider myself very independent, and value a partner who can accomplish tasks on their own too (not that we wouldn’t help each other!)
Notice her response to your inquiry about her medical condition: she subtly accused you, did she not, of being calculating, insensitive.. cold-hearted for considering pros and cons. From attentively reading and re-reading your words, I see that your logical approach is wrapped in a very warm, empathetic heart.
Is it possible that she is so cared of losing you, at times, that she has moments when she resorts- or is in the process of resorting- to guilt-tripping you as a way of keeping you, as in suggesting (not in an upfront, honest way), something like: if you leave me, Sam, it would mean that you are a bad person! ?
You hit the nail on the head here, anita. She did ask me if that was a dealbreaker and I had to quickly dismiss the question as she became distressed. She told me that she could get cancer after we get married, would that mean I would leave her? I don’t think that’s quite the same as it’s not something that’s known beforehand.
She also acknowledged that she has abandonment issues which is what you have divined in your reply here. She does not respond well to breakups or rejection.
One other piece of info that I was able to glean was her annoyance at her exes who asked if her condition was genetic or if she could hold a baby. I can certainly understand why that would make her upset; and she said she appreciated me helping her out with tasks she struggles with (like getting heavier plates, or extra napkins, etc.) without probing too much into her condition. Perhaps she felt that this insinuated I would step into the role of a caregiver effortlessly, and as required if necessary?
– what will your story be if you marry her: will it be a story of Honesty, Transparency and Deserved Trust, on your part, and on her part.. in sickness and in health?
Look for clarity and answers in the story as it is now before you commit, if you do.
This is a very sobering piece of advice, anita, and I appreciate it so very much. She hasn’t had many good experiences with romantic relationships and it makes sense why she started talking about a future together and a marriage very early into our dating journey. I know I’ve treated her well, as she ought to be treated, and flipside of that is, I deserve honesty and deserved trust like you say.
June 11, 2024 at 11:59 am #433719anitaParticipantDear Sam:
You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and the virtual hug: received!
“I don’t think I’m of a unique, holier breed“- good to know that you know that you are human.
“She frequently has jerky movements, and spills drinks or food all over the place”- she shouldn’t be in charge of a baby.
“I did bring this up, while we were talking about the future, and she dismissed it saying she could wear a baby harness or something of that kind”- she dismissed your words, your input.
“Right now, I consider myself very independent, and value a partner who can accomplish tasks on their own too (not that we wouldn’t help each other!)“- fair and reasonable.
“She did ask me if that was a dealbreaker“- she is primarily, or solely (so it seems), concerned with her interest (to keep you with her), not with your interest (to be okay with being with her).
“and I had to quickly dismiss the question as she became distressed“- she has learned that showing distress serves her interest; it works for her.
“She told me that she could get cancer after we get married, would that mean I would leave her? I don’t think that’s quite the same as it’s not something that’s known beforehand“- she is arguing, logical integrity sacrificed the purpose of winning the argument (winning= keeping you with her).
“She said she appreciated me helping her out with tasks she struggles with (like getting heavier plates, or extra napkins, etc.) without probing too much into her condition. Perhaps she felt that this insinuated I would step into the role of a caregiver effortlessly, and as required if necessary?” – yes, without asking any questions, without her having to answer questions: she wants an obedient, no-questions-asked caregiver.
“I know I’ve treated her well, as she ought to be treated, and flipside of that is, I deserve honesty and deserved trust like you say.“- you can continue to treat her well, to help her (and other ataxia-patients, perhaps) as a volunteer.
My advice: Help her as a friend/ volunteer; don’t Marry her.
anita
June 11, 2024 at 4:19 pm #433725
TommyParticipantDear Helcat,
Thanks for the welcome. I have spent much time in meditation. So much that I lost track of time. And there were times I don’t know if I was meditating or sleeping in an upright position. Usually a slumping head is a good indicator of needing sleep. What have I learned? Not to be so self centered as I was before. Still don’t think there was any improvement.
Asian parents are tough and very stern. Most do not spare the rod when it comes to straightening out the children. I remember when my older brother did not want to go to school. My mother took a broom stick and beat him while he was in bed. So, I do understand where Birdsong747 is coming from. I have gone thru that and have caved. Looking back, it wasn’t a bad decision to listen to my parents. But, things would have been a world of different.
Anyway, when you find love, you should make everyday a day to enjoy each other’s company. Spend lots of time kissing and talking about nothing at all. Remember that with the good, there will be times to strengthen your resolve. Go to your family gatherings with anticipation that things can only get better. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t think of what could have been. Regret is a sad song playing on the radio. You hear it. You feel it and nothing gets better. It is only when you let go of the thoughts of what could have been that things improve.
I am sorry to hear about your struggles with having a baby. I certainly hope you are feeling better and able to be your good self. I know your advice is very helpful. I will see you around the forum.
Tommy
June 11, 2024 at 6:18 pm #433735anitaParticipantDear Sam:
I hope to read from you again, here on your thread. I understand that your strong emotions are involved, so it’s not easy to follow my advice (“Help her as a friend/ volunteer; don’t Marry her“) even if you somewhat agree with this advice. I would like to communicate with you further..?
anita
June 11, 2024 at 11:29 pm #433737
HelcatParticipantHi Tommy
That sounds like an amazing meditation bonanza . To be less self centred is good advice I think for anyone. Well I think you did a great job providing a lot of excellent insight. 😊
I see, so they are likely to be dead set against this union in an effort to prevent Birdsong from being a carer as well as the concerns about having a child. To be fair, I don’t think that is a bad thing to go through for something as serious as this. Actually living as a carer and dealing with this health condition will be more difficult than any confrontation. If there is no strength to endure it, it would be futile to attempt a marriage like this. It definitely isn’t a pleasant or easy thing to have a confrontation with strict parents though. I’m sorry that you experienced it yourself with a previous partner.
Thank you for sharing your advice regarding love , family and regret. It is very poignant indeed. I agree that maintaining a positive mindset and expectation of things improving can change a lot. I shall be borrowing that advice for my own family drama. 😂
Thank you for your kind words Tommy. As always!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
June 12, 2024 at 12:03 am #433739HelcatParticipantHi Birdsong
To be fair, towards the end of life everyone needs a carer. The only difference is that her end is very much likely to come sooner than yours and that this experience is starting for you sooner rather than later in the relationship.
It is a difficult and scary thing. Honestly, I do not feel like there is anything nefarious going on with your partner. Just lots of very human things. Just like you are going through very human things. I believe that she is correct when she picked up on you deciding whether you can do this. But that is your right. It is also her right to be afraid of being abandoned. I don’t think that there is anything that could make anyone take on something of this magnitude if they didn’t want to. I think that you’re both in a bit of denial about the difficulties involved. I don’t think that she’s being dishonest. Denial just means that she finds the subject too painful to consider. No wonder she has difficulty discussing it!
There are many potential possibilities.
Marriage, her condition doesn’t deteriorate too much. You manage to have children. (Very Unlikely)
Marriage, her condition deteriorates and you have children.
Marriage, her condition deteriorates and you fail to have children.
Marriage and attempting to have children ends her life prematurely.
Marriage and no children. Her condition deteriorates anyway.
Marriage, no children and her condition doesn’t deteriorate too much until later on.
No marriage.
No one truly knows what the future has in store. Marriage with no children is the highest likelihood of success purely for health reasons. These things take a toll. Only you can decide what you want.
I’m sorry to be serious about the difficulties involved with children. It really is adulting on extra hard mode. I was wholly unprepared because I had babysat and assumed it was a similar thing. It is not. It’s much easier when you can hand them back. They require 24/7 care even though the night.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
June 12, 2024 at 5:43 am #433754TommyParticipantDear Helcat,
Thanks for the welcome. Sorry to hear about your … no, I am happy to hear of the birth of a new baby. It has taken a lot out of you. Hope you will be back to normal soon. I read your thread on chronic pain. Yes, there are good days and bad days. Personally, I have had back pain since I was around 40. Appear quite sudden while I was running after my daughter, trying to spoon feed her. I bent down a little and my back went into pure pain. I could not move. Fell over and grabbed my daughter to prevent her from getting into anything. She didn’t like that but I had to be sure she would not get into anything that might hurt her. After about an hour or so, the pain subsided s little. Enough for me to get back on my feet. Ever since, back pain. I found this “BLUE STUFF” that claim to reduce the pain. Well, I tried it and was so surprised the pain went away. It is relatively expensive. But, when one is hurting, anything. What was nice was that it did not affect my consciousness. I could drive a car. Take care of the baby. Now a days, I wake up with pain in the back and right hand (injury at work). Work out the stiffness and off to do stuff during the day. Retired and collecting SS retirement benefits (barely). Luckily, the wife is still working. She is also a gardener. Grows vegetables during summer and we save money on that.
Oh, back to, … It is fantastic that you can see it in yourself to help others while you are in such a way. My wife hates pointing out the obvious especially if the news is not good. She only wants to hear happy stuff. Anyway, you are inspiring. Thanks. I hope everything is getting better. A baby changes everything. Sleep routine, concerns for the future, what needs have to looked after. We use to live in NYC. The schools are okay there but we weren’t really receiving the attention my daughter needed. So, we moved to Albany for better schools. It turned out to be a good decision for my daughter but not so much financially. But, we do what we think is necessary. I hope you and yours will have a bright future.
June 12, 2024 at 5:50 am #433755TommyParticipantDear Anita,
Thanks for the quick note and welcome. I don’t want to hijack this thread from Birdsong747. But, I can see that you are still here helping those who need help Or a few words of encouragement. That is wonderful of you. Birdsong has a rough few days ahead of him. But, he seems to know what is ahead and how to manage it. Personally, I wasn’t as strong. And I have my regrets. But years, decades have passed. Life moves on. Hope you and yours are well.
Tommy
June 12, 2024 at 7:06 am #433757anitaParticipant* Dear Tommy: you are welcome and thank you for your kindness and for being here. I just read your reply on another thread, about half an hour ago, and what a high quality reply, and from a man’s point of view!
anita
June 12, 2024 at 7:56 am #433760HelcatParticipantHi Tommy
I’m going to reply to you on my own thread Working on stuff. I agree. Wouldn’t want to take over Birdsong’s thread with our chatter. If you remember the name of that blue stuff please feel free to post it on the chronic pain thread. It is always good to try new things!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
June 13, 2024 at 3:52 pm #433818anitaParticipantHow are you, Sam (BirdSong747)?
anita
June 13, 2024 at 10:35 pm #433836TommyParticipantDear Anita,
I think everyone can see that you helped Birdsong747 realized more clearly his situation. It is one thing to bring home a white girl home to Chinese parents. It is quite another to face years of being a care giver. I do wish them love and hope for a better outcome.
Whatever they decide to do, I hope it turns out better for them.
Dear Birdsong747,
Be brave. Be understanding. Be true to yourself. Wish you all the best.
Tommy
June 14, 2024 at 7:58 am #433846BirdSong747ParticipantHello everyone,
I wanted to provide an update on our conversation. We did have a talk, and I feel like it was productive. There were a couple of concerns I had – 1) whether this condition would drastically shorten her lifespan (think 40s), which isn’t that far off; and 2) if the condition is degenerative.
I asked these questions during our conversation, and she did mention that the doctors told her when she was younger that it’s not degenerative. They said if it were, she’d be gone by age 10! So, at least we know that part isn’t a concern.
Regarding going to a neurologist for an expert opinion, I asked if she’d feel comfortable with us doing so (she hasn’t been to one since she was diagnosed as a child). Unfortunately, this caused some upset because she felt like I was questioning our relationship as in hinging our future on whether her condition is degenerative or shortens her lifespan drastically. My fear which I expressed was that I wouldn’t want to be widowed and with kids in my near future. To her credit, though, she did say that she would visit one after getting a referral from her primary care provider soon.
I understand why you might be right, Anita – strong feelings are involved here! But ultimately, I’m trying to do the right thing for us both. We can see ourselves together just fine as things stand now… but knowing or ruling out any potential for further deterioration would bring me immense relief.
June 14, 2024 at 8:40 am #433847anitaParticipantDear Sam:
Good to read from you again. I think that it’s very fair that you brought up the two issues: your concern in regard to her lifespan and in regard to the condition being possibly degenerative.
“she did mention that the doctors told her when she was younger that it’s not degenerative. They said if it were, she’d be gone by age 10! So, at least we know that part isn’t a concern“- doctors are not always correct. Misdiagnoses in the medical field are common (the reason people seek a 2nd opinion). What she remembers a doctor vocalizing decades ago is not evidence of anything.
“Regarding going to a neurologist for an expert opinion, I asked if she’d feel comfortable with us doing so (she hasn’t been to one since she was diagnosed as a child)“- wise initiative on your part: to not rely on her memory of what a doctor vocalized decades earlier.
“Unfortunately, this caused some upset because she felt like I was questioning our relationship.. To her credit, though, she did say that she would visit one after getting a referral from her primary care provider soon“- it will be indeed to her credit to arrange for a visit with a neurologist with you being present in the initial visit, and in a follow up visit where test results and prognosis will be discussed.
“Ultimately, I’m trying to do the right thing for us both. We can see ourselves together just fine as things stand now.. but knowing or ruling out any potential for further deterioration would bring me immense relief.“- I am impressed by what I perceive to be a unique combination on your part: strong logic/ mind and strong empathy/ heart.
anita
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